Duck jokes only

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by TheIronDuke, Sep 14, 2007.

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  1. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Just ducks, OK?

    I'll start shall I?


    So, a duck walks into the bar and says "You got any grapes?"

    The barman says "No, we havent"

    The duck shrugs and walks out.

    The next day the duck walks in and says "You got any grapes"

    "No" says the barman.

    The next day the duck walks into the bar and says.... well, you get the picture? This goes on for a week until the barman loses it and says "Look, its a bar, we sell beer and crisps. The next time you come in here asking for grapes I am going to nail your horrible webbed feet to the fucking bar, all right?"

    The duck shrugs and walks away.

    Next day the duck walks into the bar and says "You got any nails?"

    "No" says the barman.

    "You got any grapes"
  2. AlienFTM

    AlienFTM LE Book Reviewer

    Two ducks on bikes. The lead duck says, "Quack, quack."

    The other says, "I'm going as quack as I can."
  3. Two cows in a field,
    first cow turns and says, ' oi mate, u heard about this mad cow disease?'
    second cow replies, 'no mate, i'm a duck'
  4. A man feels the need for some release, so he visits the local house of ill repute.

    He's a bit short of funds, but the Madam says, "No problems, go into Room 4. Special deal for your reduced financial state".

    He walks into room 4, and gets comfortable. Nothing happens for about 10 minutes, and then in waddles a duck. He realises that this is probably his special deal, and that really, it's a quite attractive duck, so he goes for it, hammer and tongs.

    He's happy, duck's full, job's a good'n.

    The next week, he goes back. Thinking that the special deal was really quite exciting, he ask's what other special deals they have.

    Room 3.

    So in he walks, to find a room full of other men, watching a couple going for it on a bed, through a one way mirror.

    He says to the man next to him. "Gee, this is pretty exciting"

    The guy next to him says "This nothing. Last week there was a guy in there fucking a duck".

    Got my coat. I believe my taxi's just arrived.
  5. Duck desperate for a shag and asks room service for some condom's to be sent to the room..

    Room service says they'll be put on his bill.

    Duck says "FUCK OFF.......i'm not a pervert"

    BADDAMM DISHHHH!!! thank you im here all week..........
  6. Billy-Bob awakes and decides to go duck hunting. He wakes Mary-Lou, and says, "Mary-Lou, I'm goin duck huntin. You got three choices.
    1 You come duck huntin with me.
    2 I screw your ass.
    3 You blow me off.
    I'm gonna put the guns and the beer and the dog in the truck. You better had decided when I get back."

    After 30 minutes or so, he returns, and asks Mary-Lou what it's going to be.

    "Well Billy-Bob, I ain't going duck huntin, and you sure as hell ain't screwin me in the ass again, so I guess I'll blow you."

    So Billy-Bob gets out his pecker and Mary-Lou gets down to it. She's only been at it a few seconds when she spits and gags and says "Jesus Billy-Bob, your dick is rancid, I ain't ever tasted anything so shitty!"

    Billy-bob replies
    "That God-damned dog didn't wanna go duck huntin either.....
  7. How do you make a duck into a country singer?
    Stick it in the microwave till it's Bill withers.
  8. Why don't ducks fly upside down?

    Because if they did, they would quack up.
  9. bloke in the pub sold me a tap dancing duck.
    It just stood on a biscuit tin dancing way, all day.
    It also tap danced all through he bloody night so I got no sleep.
    After 3 days I was blooming well fed up with the tap dancing duck,
    so I took it back to the bloke in the pub.
    "Please stop the fecker dancing." I asked him my red eyes looking at him
    pleadingly. "Okay said the bloke." He then took the duck off the tin, opened the lid and blew the candle out.
  10. Did you hear about the special needs duck.
    He had eider down syndrome. (I just made that one up)
  11. Man walks into a pub with a duck under his arm, and says "this is Donald, the talking duck. he understands every word I say".

    The landlord says "prove it and I'll give you free beer for the night"

    The man walks over to the fireplace, chucks the duck into the fire and says "get off the fire!"
  12. man walks in to a pub with a burnt duck on his head the landlord says "HOW DID YOU GET THAT"
    The duck says, "it started as a pink lump on my arrse."
  13. Man walks into a pub with a duck under his arm, and says "this is Donald, the talking duck. He understands every word I say".

    The landlord says "prove it and I'll give you free beer for the night"

    Man says "Donald, what's your favourite street drug of choice?"

    Donald says nothing.

    Man asks him "Donald, what day is it?"

    Donald says nowt.

    landlord chucks them both out into the street. As the man is about to punt the duck over the nearest house, Donald pipes up

    "Hang on fella. Wait and see what odds you get tomorrow ......"
  14. Hear about the gay duck?

    Flew upside down for a lark.