• This is a stand-to for an incoming competition, one of our most expensive yet.
    Later this week we're going to be offering the opportunity to Win £270 Rab Neutrino Pro military down jacket
    Visit the thread at that link above and Watch it to be notified as soon as the competition goes live

Dropping Your Bait

#1
Not sure why, but a lot of conversations at work always end up about dropping a log, type of log etc etc. Just been in a meeting and for the first half hour it consisted of us all comparing scary stories about sh*t. Now, that got me wondering, where is:

1) The worst place you have ever had to send Mrs Brown and the bairns to the sea side

2) The worst dump you have ever had and why.

I would go for Hohne ranges in the height of summer after most of NATO have been using the sh*t pits as the worst place.

After a night in the mess with the Irish Dangers drinking FallaBollahs (apologies for the crap spelling) I shat blood for a week and could barely sit down.

Come on then, share your sh*t with the rest of us.
 
#2
I went for a big dump in a night club in Salisbury....sank a few more pints, farted followed through... the stench of shatitised curry and bitter filled the room, i decided to dance...it cleared the floor... I thought i was John Ravolta in shite fever, then i grabbed a Doris who looked very pale so I "gave her a cuddle"......she spewed... fcuk I laughed...until i got thrown out.
 
#3
Having to chop the top of a long drop that was no longer a long drop

(More a mega sized brown mister whippy with added sh+it rag, poking out the hole like the mountain off close encounters)

with an axe

in deepest darkest Siberia at -45
 
#4
Sh+ting myself inside out on a portaloo while puking out the door in front of a company of PWRR laughing their t+ts off. Kosovo
 
#6
vvaannmmaann said:
Is there a correct term for the splash of water that soaks the brown starfish as the payload goes the other way?
Soothing.
 
#7
vvaannmmaann said:
Is there a correct term for the splash of water that soaks the brown starfish as the payload goes the other way?
How about BackSplash. Point to note: take care when dropping depth charge type mocking birds into a recently cleaned pan that still has bleach in it, the resulting backsplash of NaOCl onto your nether regions is never funny.
 
#9
1) Worst place = Carpet factory in Cairo.

Night time and the outside Sh1ter had no water supply [it would appear to have had none for a few weeks] and was full to overflowing. Severe case of Pharoahs revenge meant I HAD to use it. The lightbulbs was missing and so you couldn't close the door or you'd be in pitch black so had to hover a foot over the thing with my tackle on full show to half of Cairo whilst aiming a jet of bum gravy in the general direction of the pan. Missed by a country mile...just lucky to have an emercency wad of bog paper in my pocket.

2) Worst shit = Invited my kid brother round to ours for a meal with his new girlfriend, to get to 'meet her' and all that. Felt a massive fart brewing and, trying my best to appear to be well mannered, decided it would be better ettiquette to keep the fcuker stiffled between my ar5e cheeks until girlfriend left the room. B1tch must have had a bladder the size of a space hopper and took 2 hours to fcuk off to the bog. No sooner had the door shut behind her, than my sphincter ruptured under the pressure and released the beast with all the fanfare of a 'Cecil B DeMille cast of a 1000 elephants' epic. unfortunately the entire contents of my lower colon decided to take advantage of the breech in my defences and organised a mass prison break, down my right leg. Lucky for me his girlfriend had stank the sh1ter out so bad that she didn't notice my vapour cloud as she passed me on the way out of the khazi.
 
#10
In a caravan park in Dumfries, near the john paul jones museum.

Torpedo did not budge so frantic 40 minutes flushing like a madman, before red faced mentioning to reception a plumber was needed in said caravan.

In a big forest at a nice little outhouse near Srebrenica, only to discover my packet of wet wipes was empty. frantic searching for leaves only to discover they were not as useful for anything.
 

Attachments

#11
JRHartley said:
2) Worst s*** = Invited my kid brother round to ours for a meal with his new girlfriend, to get to 'meet her' and all that. Felt a massive fart brewing and, trying my best to appear to be well mannered, decided it would be better ettiquette to keep the fcuker stiffled between my ar5e cheeks until girlfriend left the room. B1tch must have had a bladder the size of a space hopper and took 2 hours to fcuk off to the bog. No sooner had the door shut behind her, than my sphincter ruptured under the pressure and released the beast with all the fanfare of a 'Cecil B DeMille cast of a 1000 elephants' epic. unfortunately the entire contents of my lower colon decided to take advantage of the breech in my defences and organised a mass prison break, down my right leg. Lucky for me his girlfriend had stank the sh1ter out so bad that she didn't notice my vapour cloud as she passed me on the way out of the khazi.
Fcukin brill - tears in my eyes.
 
#12
hammy123 said:
Not sure why, but a lot of conversations at work always end up about dropping a log, type of log etc etc. Just been in a meeting and for the first half hour it consisted of us all comparing scary stories about sh*t. Now, that got me wondering, where is:

1) The worst place you have ever had to send Mrs Brown and the bairns to the sea side

2) The worst dump you have ever had and why.

I would go for Hohne ranges in the height of summer after most of NATO have been using the sh*t pits as the worst place.

After a night in the mess with the Irish Dangers drinking FallaBollahs (apologies for the crap spelling) I shat blood for a week and could barely sit down.

Come on then, share your sh*t with the rest of us.
Already shared it, by depositing it on your Mums chest
 
#14
1 & 2 Combined:

Got a free upgrade to business class from London to Singapore and proceeded to hammer the booze for twelve hours whilst forsaking all food.

Four hour stopover in Singapore before connecting flight to Jakarta where more booze was involved.

Passed out during the 1:35 hour flight and was shaken awake by a very attractive lady hostie only to discover that I had shat myself at sometime during the flight with an abundance of evil smelling liquid dung.

Managed to stagger through immigration and customs whom all proceeded to point at me and laugh whilst pinching their noses with one hand.

Met very urined of missus who half carried me to the car where my trousers and kecks were stripped off and flung out the window. Trip home with open car windows took almost 2.5 hours through heavy traffic.

Arrived home semi-naked to be greeted by her family where I promptly retired to my pit and slept for 36 hours.

All in all a most memorable experience which I hope to repeat again sometime soon.
 
#15
India imodium not working so need to go for a spray and pray in the outhouse of the pub which was behind it on some waste ground. So walking in the dark cheeks so tight together that I was walking on tip toes only to find that a pack of stray dogs have moved in and are growling like fcuk. Que me thinking better not get attacked as my bowels are going to rip loose. make it to the bog only for light not to be working and finger goes through the bog paper wash it off as best as I can but no soap so end up with a wafty finger for the remainder of the night :oops:
 
#16
taffridge said:
hammy123 said:
Not sure why, but a lot of conversations at work always end up about dropping a log, type of log etc etc. Just been in a meeting and for the first half hour it consisted of us all comparing scary stories about sh*t. Now, that got me wondering, where is:

1) The worst place you have ever had to send Mrs Brown and the bairns to the sea side

2) The worst dump you have ever had and why.

I would go for Hohne ranges in the height of summer after most of NATO have been using the sh*t pits as the worst place.

After a night in the mess with the Irish Dangers drinking FallaBollahs (apologies for the crap spelling) I shat blood for a week and could barely sit down.

Come on then, share your sh*t with the rest of us.
Already shared it, by depositing it on your Mums chest
Not funny in an otherwise very funny thread. Try harder to amuse.
 
#17
Spank-it said:
JRHartley said:
2) Worst s*** = Invited my kid brother round to ours for a meal with his new girlfriend, to get to 'meet her' and all that. Felt a massive fart brewing and, trying my best to appear to be well mannered, decided it would be better ettiquette to keep the fcuker stiffled between my ar5e cheeks until girlfriend left the room. B1tch must have had a bladder the size of a space hopper and took 2 hours to fcuk off to the bog. No sooner had the door shut behind her, than my sphincter ruptured under the pressure and released the beast with all the fanfare of a 'Cecil B DeMille cast of a 1000 elephants' epic. unfortunately the entire contents of my lower colon decided to take advantage of the breech in my defences and organised a mass prison break, down my right leg. Lucky for me his girlfriend had stank the sh1ter out so bad that she didn't notice my vapour cloud as she passed me on the way out of the khazi.
Fcukin brill - tears in my eyes.
funny as vuk! haven't laughed so much in a long long time! absolute class!

My worst was the biscuits brown, exercise compacted crap i had to take after 5 days holding the bugger in.... All I can remember is weeping in pain as the troll, possibly with a circumference of a nasa space shuttle, slowly split my gentle pink star from north to south.... i'm sure everyman harbouring up for the night must shat themselves hearing the high pitched yelps coming from deep within the woods...

anyway, it was a case of 'just dab, don't wipe'...... nothing like an exercise crap, squatting, ciggie in 1 hand, other hand grabbing a tree for extra support.... good times!

Now... all those who've shat in someones shell scrape stand up....
 
#18
I'm sorry I didnt realise that toilet humour had quite the intellectual audience that it has. Shall go away and try and remember my wittiest turd based story
 
#19
mate, you know its bad when one of your best memories of the army was the craps you took on exercise....

i loved it... and at the time, wouldn't have traded it for a cheap plasctic seat for the world!
 
#20
Not long after marrying Mrs Blunts, we went on an exotic holiday to Gambia. Stayed in a resort hotel where, once a week, the hotel put on a luxury sea food buffet. It was famous throughout Banjul and open to allcomers at a fee. No fee for us, we were halfboard.

Come the night of the buffet, 2 days before the truck safari to a Senegal lakeside nature reserve, the wife and I strolled from the bungalow to the dining room in mouth watering anticipation. Oh what a sight greeted us. Roast meat joints steaming under the lights, sea food salad beyond compare and nestled amid cascades of crushed ice shoals of lobster waiting to be cracked and guzzled down our greedy gullets.

Ever had lobster, says I, No she replied. Me neither, lets get stuck in. Amongst everything else we gorged down that night we had 5 lobsters each.

The next morning I was violently hurled across the bed by the spasms wracking my guts, I ran moaning to the bog and explosively decompressed via my hoop, losing, what felt like, several litres of scalding hot gravy all over the pan. As the pain moderately eased off, I had to spin around and puke violently down the bog straight on top of what I'd just shed out of my arse. The resulting stench/visual combination resulted in a further series of heaves until I was utterly hollowed out.

Just then the Mrs comes wailing into the toilet, clutching her belly screaming don't watch me, don't watch me then proceeded to mimic, spasm for spasm and wretch for wretch my actions of a few minutes before.

The shitter was now a puke and shit filled bowl of the worst smelling effluent this side of the Belikin brewery outside APC.

More to follow.
 

Similar threads

Latest Threads

Top