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Dropped a bollock.

Have you ever pissed in the wardrobe when legless?


  • Total voters
    56
All around 2 deck on a type 42 Destroyer, there are little pipes leading down to the machinery spaces and engine rooms. The idea being that if there is a fire down there, you can just chuck a hose down the pipe and spray in a load of foam without actually going in the compartment.

Lets just say certain members of the ship's company used to frequently chuck their own 'fire hoses' down the pipes and lay yellow waste to the stokers below.


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As a young Foodspoiler of 17 whilst living in spider huts -RAVC TC & D Melton Mowbray - I was woken from a drunken midnight walkabout by a very irate Cpl. It seems I had left the room and turned left instead of right, opened his locker and pissed in it. Jock (the aforementioned corporal), so I was told later, was asleep at the time. Not for long though, he followed me back into the room, asked some of the other lads what I had been on and promptly knocked my lights out for real.

Next morning my room mates were pissing themselves whilst I was wondering where the sore lip and black eye had come from. They took great delight in filling me in on my previous nights escapade and I began crapping myself with the prospect of meeting jock when I got to work. However, Jock - coincidently, the best NCO I ever worked with - just told me to collect his laundry and clean the locker. A true gent. It seems he was happy with his instant retribution and a clean up.
 
Taking a dump in a just completed show home bog has been my best effort to date.Seems they put water in the pan to stop smells coming up from the sewers - who knew?
 
I heard a story from a friend of mine about another friend whose missus woke up to find him pissing into her large, open handbag. When she challenged him - drunk and stoned out of his mind he simply looked up sleepily (the stream of piss shifting over to the carpeted floor), put his finger to his lips and said "SHHHHHH"
 
Fortunately, I have never done it but my Brother in Law, Steve, once opened the sliding door to the built in wardrobe in his bedroom, climbed in, closed the door and relieved himself. My long suffering sister was woken by the mournful wailing of 'I can't get out......Linda, help me.....I can't get out' He got his ******* nuts chewed THAT night. And, to make make matters worse, Linda told everyone who would listen about his little indiscretion.
 
After 2 years sober (due to having been diagnosed with hepC) I had a night off at a new year party, I also smoked some skunk for the first time while already pissed I ended up paralysed and was put in a bedroom with a blanket over me. Meanwhile my Aussie mate Gareth had been sober for around the same amount of time for his own reasons and had decided to have a few as well, he ended up being given Queensland rum by some local alky who had worked in Australia and was home for the hols, Gareth left to go home and sleep it off, it was a cold night below freezing, shortly after two guys found him sparked out in the close, so he was put down beside me. As the ****** warmed up he regained consciousness and stood up and pissed carefully in our hostesses sewing machine. I woke up with the noise, but was still unable to move and I projectile vomited straight up, it went in my eyes and burned them which finally broke my paralysis enough for me to get to the bog. As far as I know Gareth has not been drunk since.
 
I recently saw a kid having a shit in one of the pans in B&Q. Class.
There was an episode of Jackass where they did that, but only on the second attempt, on the first the bloke timed it wrong and shat himself in the van on the way there. One if the few things on tv that has brought me to tears of mirth

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Early 80 s Hyderabad Bks Colchester I was woken from my drunken stupor by a loud bang lots of smoke and shouting. Andy P stood naked holding is cock looking dazed, Bugsy B (not a big drinker) jumps out of bed and twats Andy. Its then I realise that Andy has pissed all over Bugsy s telly. Try explaining that to the lady at SSVC hire.
 
Alexander Bks., Aldergrove 1975. Big 4 man room. Some bastard pissed in Geordie's pitspace last night. It must have been that new Taff git who arrived yesterday and went out on the piss. At least he apologised after I gave him a effin mouthful!

Later on, Pete, who slept in the bed opposite, quietly explained that although the pee went all over Geordie's kit, I at least had the good manners to be very quiet going back to my own bed:oops:
 
Thorney Island mid to late 80s, many a good nite in Hayling, followed by a little Micks Monster Burger, and 1 or 2 Bods on parade with the starch "pressure-washed" out of their KF Shirts, c/w damp patches. Why oh why did they paint those lockers white? Bull/China shop.
 
One a course in Catterick in 1993, 4 of us in a room together, one mate woke up in the middle of the night, after on the lash from Scabs, and pissed in another lad's locker. The footsteps he took are the same ones he took in his married quarter from his bed to the toilet.

During my Punk Rocker days, Xmas Eve 1984, after a night on the lash in The Tavern In The Town, back in my Rising Damp style bedsit, I swamped out in my single bed - my lass was lying asleep next to me. She woke up, and went downstairs to the communal bog. While she did this, I pissed in the sink, sponged myself down, and changed the sheets, lining the mattress with that night's Express & Star. Then, I switched the light off so she wouldn't notice the different sheets. As she got back into bed, she asked "What's that crinkling sound?"

I told her I had put newspaper in as insulation from the cold. She never twigged, or if she did, she never let on.
 
I failed my initial medical to join up. Turns out I had protein in my piss from too much teenage tuggery, but at the time, the doc suspected it could be kidney malfunction. As such I had to jump on the train to Haslar for further testing.

So 15 year old me goes up to the desk and I'm put through a further piss test, a blood test and I'm asked to provide a stool sample.

The pretty nurse handed me a small plastic jar and pointed me in the direction of the bogs.

Now having never provided a stool sample before, I was intrigued as to how things worked. On opening the jar I discovered a small spoon, like you'd get in your ice cream at the cinema.

Devoid of a diagram or any legible instructions, I cupped the jar to my hoop and curled a Bungle's finger straight into the jar. A teenage diet of McDonalds and crisps ensured that it was way too big for the jar. Some artistic creativity was required.

Thinking on my feet, I quickly figured out what the spoon was for. Grasping it betwixt thumb and finger, I crammed the turd down with the spoon, pressing it down until it filled every corner of the jar, I then carefully used the back of the spoon to smooth off the top, before finally sealing up the jar.

Proud of my effort, I dumped it on the nurse's desk.

She was horrified. How the **** was I supposed to know you only use the spoon to scoop up a tiny bit to put in the jar?





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