Driving Test disaster stories.

#21
I passed first time (but I had been driving for years on a Saudi Arabia issued International Driving Licence. At least until a polite traffic officer told me it was no longer valid. Feck knows how he knew that as it was mostly in Arabic).

Taking his advice I booked six lessons with an instructor. Not so much to learn how to drive but to drive in a manner that conformed to what an examiner expected. He told me that the nearest test facility was in Hayes and the examiners tried to close down their tests ASAP. Their trick was to get started and tell the examinee to “proceed”. That meant driving down to a dual carriageway with a Go Left sign. The examinee would stop and ask “which way”. Immediate Fail.

I did my emergency stop with his hand slapped on the dashboard. Five minutes later some mong stepped out in front of me so I did a real emergency stop. He turned to me and said “your first one was satisfactory Mr T”. I knew I had passed then.

The flatmate of a bird I was helping out with her sexual fantasies had failed her test six times. I asked her what the main problem was. She told me that she was incapable of changing gear whilst concentrating/worrying about everything else. I said “then why don’t you do the test in an automatic. Then you don’t have to worry about gear changing”.

“But I will only be able to drive an automatic”.

“Yes. But you will at least be able to drive”. Pearls before swine (but her and the bird were my first threesome).
 
#22
See you at SPOTY 2018, since you are a prime contender. Not surprised to find out that that your daughter is as useless as you. I susspy a trend here.
Pete, old love. "Susspy?" Really? Whatever that means?
The chances of you seeing me recommended for a SPOTY award are about as remote as is your ability to achieve an erection.
As for my daughter, I can honestly say that she get's her 'intelligence' genes from her mother, rather than me.
Now, if you'd like to continue slagging me off, or any other member of my family, then feel free to pm me.
 
#24
Ladies and Gents,
A bit of a light hearted post for a friday night. But I'd like to see whether any of you know of anyone, or even yourselves perhaps - who have failed the practical driving test multiple times!
My eldest daughter failed her practical driving test for the fifth time this week!
She passed the theory test first time around, but in three months time, it will be over two years... Yes, you did read that correctly... Two years, since she passed the theory test, so if she doesn't pass the practical part within that time, she will have to retake the theory test, because it is only valid for two years.
It isn't even as if she is failing at the practical test for the same errors. Every single test that she has taken, she has failed for totally different reasons.
This week, it seems that her general driving was fine, but she failed on the 'control and observation' skills, when she was asked to carry out the parallel park manoeuvre.
So far, she has failed twice because the Examiner had to take physical action. Another time for telling a driver to 'go fück himself'. And not forgetting the time that she just 'forgot how to drive'. Which must have been the shortest driving test in history!
Unfortunately, this latest failure has really upset her, and she has now said that she intends to give up on the idea of driving.
I hope not.
So come on, let's hear your stories of driving test nightmares.
Surely, she cannot be Britain's worst driver? Can she?
My ex-wife always said she would never drive. Said she had tried and failed loads of times. Then she won some money (from the MOD, I made her pregnant==kicked out) Got her license. I spent the next 5 months Pannel beating, widening the drive gates, straitening bumpers and the list can go on. It got so bad, I took a lump hammer to the car and wrote it off.
 
#25
Jeezus. Friday nights ain’t what they used to be. Harrumph.

Derailed into a personnel vendetta inside two pages!

The Friday threads didn’t normally get derailed until Spider/Bugs/ANO Mong started up and the Anti Bugsy QRF moved in.
 
#26
Pete, old love. "Susspy?" Really? Whatever that means?
The chances of you seeing me recommended for a SPOTY award are about as remote as is your ability to achieve an erection.
As for my daughter, I can honestly say that she get's her 'intelligence' genes from her mother, rather than me.
Now, if you'd like to continue slagging me off, or any other member of my family, then feel free to pm me.

Nah, it's far more fun doing it it in public. Once you find the eternal spastic, you stay there.
 
#27
Nah, it's far more fun doing it it in public. Once you find the eternal spastic, you stay there.
Pete. You are making yourself look foolish old love. This thread also happens to be in the Int Cell atm, and not in the NAAFI.
 
#28
First test I (thought) I drove fine but got failed for some nefarious reason. Second was a fair cop. Third I passed.

In the weeks running up to the successful attempt, I had chinned off my driving instructor, going out with a relative on my provisional. We later found out the instructor had early onset dementia, always wondered why he forgot much I owed him at the end of every lesson.

On the morning of the final test, took a wrong turn up a one way street much to said relatives horror on the way to the centre. Passed!

On a different note, I remember a very good looking co-student (who ended up as a sought after Escort in Cardiff Bay) telling me how her driving examiner had offered her an exchange of favours shall we say in order to pass. A practice which I am led to believe wasn't as rare as you'd think. This was in 2001, so no doubt times have moved on, I hope.
 
#30
My instructor was a Trinidadian. I could only understand one word in three. On the way to the test centre, he said something like "shit mon, I as forgot roundabouts". So we went round a roundabout about 4 times on the way there.

Thinking about it, it would have been 1989. So it was a Rickshaws bloke, not a Loggie that examined me. I remember the verbal questions at the end. Name 3 things you can't do on a motorway. Got the first 2 pretty easily, but he wanted me to say "reverse". when he eventually spat it out in frustration, I looked at him in bewilderment. Of course you can't fcuking reverse on a motorway!!! This was one of my earliest moments of recognition that Trogs are a long way down :) He probably thought the same about bleeps :)
 
#31
You are are complete waste of oxygen. You will even fail at SPOTY18.
Well I guess that you'll find out as to whether you are in any way correct at the end of this year. Assuming of course, that you are still alive.
 
#33
First test was going great then we got to our third and final roundabout and some **** in a black Corsa indicated to leave on my junction. I went into the gap, he changed his mind, flipped off his indicator and came within a foot of rear ending us. I had just enough time to get my foot down and go right up to the back of a lorry to avoid a collision.

I was feeling super chuffed to have got away with it, until the examiner told me to pull into a lay-by, got out the car and told me the test was abandoned on account of dangerous driving.

"Why did you pull out in front of that Corsa?"
"He was indicating to use my exit, but stayed on."
"Not that I saw..."
"Well, he was."
"If you say so. Wait here till your instructor turns up."

6 weeks later. Same car. Same route. Same examiner.... and I pass with just one minor for undue caution at junctions.
I wonder why?
 
#34
I managed to break the examiners windows, when doing an emergency stop I stopped too fast and everything in the back of the car hit the windscreen and it might have cracked a little, well when I say a little....

They then went out of their way to try and fail me by trying to get me to do things that break the highway code which I kept mentioning

Still passed, but they were the most awkward they could have been
 
#36
Had a mate who failed in the first 10 seconds.

Army tester in Catterick.

He jumped in the landrover beside the instructor ,

One hand on the wheel he started the engin, swapped hands and with his left changed the mirror so he could see.

Then took his right hand off the wheel to adjust his beret while looking to see just how good looking he thought he was.

Instructor just said fail fucc off.
 
#37
Doesn't matter to me whether I am still alive or not.

But everebode else will still kno.

Winker.
Er... What exactly will everebode else will still kno?
I'm intrigued. Do tell me old love.
If you were to die before this year's SPOTY award nominations were announced, what would our fellow arrsers still know?
The drunken ramblings of an old fool perhaps?
 
#38
My best 'pupil' was a chap, mid 30's,big tough chap. wanted 8 lessons and a test, paid up front, cash. Radar flapping when i found out he had to do an extended test!! which meant he had been banned at some point. Prior to becoming a driving instructor i worked for plod as a 999 dispatcher, so i had a word with some friends. Turns out this chap had been the getaway driver in a robbery, led the police on a lengthy pursuit before dumping his passangers and then crashing into a police car !!!! I was his first port of call after getting out (turns out i had got his lads girlfriend through her test). Nicest bloke ever, wonderful driver, very safe. passed with no errors, so confident he left a thank you card under the drivers seat before starting the test !!!
 
#39
My best 'pupil' was a chap, mid 30's,big tough chap. wanted 8 lessons and a test, paid up front, cash. Radar flapping when i found out he had to do an extended test!! which meant he had been banned at some point. Prior to becoming a driving instructor i worked for plod as a 999 dispatcher, so i had a word with some friends. Turns out this chap had been the getaway driver in a robbery, led the police on a lengthy pursuit before dumping his passangers and then crashing into a police car !!!! I was his first port of call after getting out (turns out i had got his lads girlfriend through her test). Nicest bloke ever, wonderful driver, very safe. passed with no errors, so confident he left a thank you card under the drivers seat before starting the test !!!
There's hope for my daughter then!
 
#40
Not my driving test, but an advanced police refresher whilst in Customs.
For some asinine reason, senior management decided that a bunch of the oldish and reckless highly safety orientated surveillance drivers should be sent on refresher courses, as it was deemed that some amongst us had retained too many bad habits from the good old days of live drugs runs.
Apparently, it was deemed that whilst ramming a transit van with a load of Class A driven by a south london scrote off the road was acceptable*, times had changed, drugs work had been transferred to SOCA and similar tactics employed on a dodgy VAT fraudster accountant with a dubious attache case were a bit of a no no.
Much grumbling ensued to no avail and we were sent on our merry way to assorted police driving schools , naturally being London based my destination was a very, very rural one.
It actually turned out to be a brilliant four weeks, excellent instructors and I learnt a hell of a lot,but there was always the nagging doubt of the final test which was a simple pass or fail and according to the course bumph it would last about 60-75 minutes depending on weather conditions etc etc.
I drew the short straw and went first at 09:00 after carefully fastening my rising sun bandana and bidding my shivering colleague Del a cheery " See ya in an hour or so".
One conked out car on the motorway and a replacement with faulty blues and two's later, I returned at about 11:30 to pass on the good news to Del that it was his turn now.
Feck knows how but we both passed, presumably cos the test took so long and the driving school was charging mega wedge .
* The terminology used in Court was " I placed my vehicle in a blocking position and a collision occured".
 
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