Drinking licenses

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Steamywindow, Oct 16, 2005.

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  1. Given that we are slipping into a Police state, with ID cards, detention without trial, summary justice, ASBOs etc, I want to make a suggestion that would have real social value and fit right in with the authoritarian UK we are coming to terms with.

    Drinking licenses.

    There are too many utter gimps out there who can't hold their ale.

    I propose that you are only allowed to go on the pop if you can pass a few simple tests.

    The test would be as follows:

    The L - drinker meets the Examiner at the pub. They sit down, and the L-drinker has a pint (no girly bottles of WKD). The Examiner makes an innocuous comment like 'Your team ain't doing too well this season, eh?'

    The reaction is noted.

    L-Drinker has another, and is asked whether he fancies the barmaid (a Ministry of Drinking employee, to be 32DD and blonde).

    The reaction is noted.

    A third pint, and crisps are offered - Can the L drinker crumple the packet up in such a way as to prrevent it clambering back out of the ashtray within 2 minutes?

    Pint 4, and the Examiner makes a reference to Little Britain (or Monty Python if the L drinker is over 35). Does the L drinker start quoting whole sketches word for word? Fail if so.

    Pint 5&6 are drunk at the pool table. Can the Candidate pot? Can he fail to pot without making a big song and dance about it?

    Pint 7, and the candidate is sent to the juke box. Any muisic is acceptable, but it is an instant fail to sing along or play air guitar, likewise to embark on an explanation of why this is 'his and Jenny's song, God I miss her'

    With the breaking of the Gallon, the Candidate is permitted to visit the Gents. Shoes to be checked for splashes on return.

    The 2 questions from pints 1&2 are re-iterated over Pint 9. It is a fail for the candidate to make any humourous boob-cupping gestures, say 'I would' or 'she'd get it' (unless done quietly). Any attempt to start a football- related fight is an instant fail.

    a quick double is issued prior to the outdoor part of the test. Can the L-Drinker negotiate his way to his house without waking up any neighbours, puking in any gardens, or leaving a trail of kebab salad and urine?

    These are my initial thoughts. I would welcome suggestions from the wise heads here on Arrse, before I contact Parliament. Obviously, this would only apply to civvies. Serving/ex squaddies are models of decorous behaviour regardless of the amount drunk.
     
  2. bugger, i'd fail on pint 4, its all too easy to quote Monty P when drinking....

    after all I wasn't expecting a Spanish Inquisition
     
  3. NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our four...no... Amongst our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise....


    That's me failed then...
     
  4. Have you been drinking though?

    (is this going to turn into a Monty Python/Little Britian quote thread?)
     
  5. No booze at that stage so I'm still in with a chance of getting my drinking license.

    Is quoting Python/Fast Show/Little Britain classed as sad if you are sober?



    computer says no.....
     
  6. I am very concerned by this suggestion. Will wives be given summary powers of endorsement and/or disqualification under this legislation? Will this lead to licensing of beer-goggles?
     
  7. What sort of behaviour could lead to the drinking license being removed?

    Sober in charge of a large donner during the hours of darkness? Failing to produce a urine sample when passing a darkened shop doorway? posession of babysham?
     
  8. Drinking of Alcopops or other homosexual drinks. Pints and chasers are for real men!
     
  9. lmao.. totally agree with ya...

    It would be a great night out if there was a drinking licence..

    Of course i'd pass and outdrink all you fellas under the table...

    (by the way, whats the score with drinking games... would there be a section on that...???)

    :wink:
     
  10. Cuddles: No. Emphatically no.
    It may not be PC to say it but the ladies have no place in drinking culture. Sure, they can have the odd glass of white with a meal, or a nice Merlot of an evening. No problems there. And, let's not overlook the importance of Vitamin Alc in loosening the inhibitions.

    Realistically, pub-based consumption of ale is a man's game, and that is that.

    Hence my proposal for Drinking Licenses. There are too many people out there who shouldn't be driving, and need their ticket taking away, and similarly, there are a lot of fools, losers and big girls' blouses in pubs up and down the land who need sorting.

    Blue WKD? Cheeky Vimto? Vodka and Red fucking Bull? I think not. Kiddies, get out of the pub.
     
  11. are you going to be a candidate in the next election? drinking licences class idea you get my vote!
     
  12. Vote Steamy for a Better Britain.
     
  13. Steamys drinking party, count me in, can I be 'Minister for recreation use of alcohol?'
     
  14. Yes you can, so long as you can tell me the correct response to the following scenario...


    theoriginalphantom: Double malt please Barman, Laphroig, to chase my bitter.

    Barman (a youth who knows nowt): Ice in the whisky, Sir?


    Is it:

    a) oooh, yes please, and lemonade, no no not lemonade, diet Coke!

    b) Just a little. And an umbrella.

    c) No. You cnut. It's fukcing malt whisky, not fukcing Aldi vodka.

    (the incorrect response gets you 3 points and a £30 fixed penalty)
     
  15. any bloke asking for a lager top should also fail.