drinking drills

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by easy-wan-kenobi, Sep 17, 2006.

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  1. take a look below and maybe add your own squaddie branded ones to the list, enjoy!

    SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
    FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION: Punch him/her.

    SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
    FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

    SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
    ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.

    SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
    FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
    ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

    SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth.

    SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
    ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

    SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
    FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

    SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: That lager is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

    SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar.

    SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
    FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
    ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

    SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
    FAULT: You've been walking into things.
    ACTION: Maintain dosage.

    SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
    FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
    ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

    SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
    FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
    ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of urself
  2. SYMPTOM: Alone in bed
    FAULT: Too much booze/passed out in bar/carried home
    ACTION: Drink some whiskey and phone ex-wife
  3. symptom: money at end of month

    fault: sold tv and stereo for 20 quid each

    action: worry about new electricals on payday, for now you must drink!
  4. good first post... well done and welcome to arrse, you cnut
  5. I presume this t1t has several usernames Lazy H. Just ignore the little fecker.
  6. SYMPTOM: Severe headache and gut rot
    FAULT: Takeaway curry and 20 pints
    ACTION: Take a dump and get back to the bar
  7. Symptom: Your bed is unusually hard and your bedroom ceiling appears to be missing

    Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter

    Action: Check to see if its opening time yet, if not , treat yourself to a lie in
  8. Sympton: No memory of night before
    Fault: You have drunk far too much/had a drink spiked
    Action: Call mates to discover if you did anything stupid the night before. Congratulate self if mates say you were fine.