Dr Mong prescribes

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by thebearisstilldeano, Jan 31, 2009.

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  1. Has anyone else experienced the medical advice of his holyness The Emperor Mong and had a disaster with self teatment?

    I had a heavy cold and chest infection recently and rather than get proper teatment I consulted the Emperor, who told me he has a medical qualification of some sort.

    He said eating chillies would clear my blocked nose and ease my chest. Following his advice I cooked a pork stir fry with a stack of fresh green chillies - it was a real humdinger.

    Sure enough it cleared my nose - I fact I spent the rest of the evening looking like I had been snorting CS - what I hadn't bargained on was the other side effects (Mwahhahaha).

    2 minutes after getting in to bed the first gut rumble hit and I just about got to the bog before what felt like a river of fire shot from my jacksy.

    That was the first of more than a dozen trips to the toilet, interspersed by short bouts of trying to grab some shut eye (he one plus point was that by now my nose was so blocked that at least I couldn't really smell the rank honk now filling the house - missus did comment though).

    Eventually lying in bed feeling totally wrung out I thought I had got rid of it all.

    And then I started sneezing.

    The sneeze pressure must have been just enough to force out the last thimble of liquid fire from my guts.

    Worse still as I tried to slide myself out of bed on my side clutching my buttocks together in the vain hope it would contain the effluent the cramp set in.

    Dr Mong has since told me that sleep deprivation combined with pain and total stomach evacuation is a sure fire cure for a cold.

    Have any other ARRSERs undertaken self treatment under the Emperor's direction?
     
  2. Yep, I hurt my hip during a foot chase and his Mongyness told me it would be a good idea to keep running on it regularly in order to "heal"it.

    It ended up with me needing 6 sessions of physio.
     
  3. Who is the Emporer Mong?
     
  4. Mong. "Don't worry RHC its only an insect bite or two, it will soon go away".
    Me. "But sire its quite a big rash and should it look like a crab roundel".
    Mong. "Cease your drivel, what can a lowly insect do to the pinnacle of evolution, now go and do not bother the nice NHS people"
    Three months, big rash, headaches, joint pain and mild confusion later.
    "Yes Mr RHC your tests are back and you were right with your self diagnosis of Lymes disease, any chance you could come in to your local hospital, like now".
     
  5. terroratthepicnic

    terroratthepicnic LE Reviewer Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Runners

    I knew a bloke who was told by his holiness that poring boiling hot water on his genitals would get rid of crabs.

    It didn't.
     
  6. Feck! How did I miss that thread! It's one of the funniest I've read on here. I've not really undertaken much medical advice (thought I'm an ex-RMA, so I'm okay with minor things anyway), but I've listened to him plenty of times before - will have to think of some of the best & add to the other thread.
     
  7. Not sure if the story is true or not, but an old full screw I was working for in the stores at Chatham (who was a genuine bloke, so personally I don't doubt the story) told me about a young lad who worked for with him once tried to get rid of his crabs using aftershave.

    I'm not sure what he did exactly with the aftershave, but apparently it turned his testicles transparent. Though it feels vaguely familiar that he shaved himself then used to aftershave to kill the eggs.