Doubt I'll get to the interview stage

[Harry Skinters]

Yesterday I was sent an email concerning an American company who had found my CV on some jobs site then sent me a completely innappropriate job offer for a Junior Accounts position. Having looked at their website , they have an office in London and are trying to garner interest whilst at the same time coming over as Jonny big bollocks.
For those who would just occasionally like to chops off at some faceless entity, here is my reply:

Mark ,

Thanks for the information . If you remember from your badly worded message yesterday, I have not sent you a resume. In fact, you found it on a fairly downmarket website which you admitted. Why you are acknowledging receipt of said document baffles me ?

I see you think I would be interested in a Junior Accounts position . I wonder what part of my CV would allude to this, being as I'm currently working in Sales, enjoy the career stream and stated I am looking to move into Recruitment.

Perhaps you didn't analise(sic) my skills or indeed paragon(?) them to your specification as you so mystifyingly pronounced yesterday. Whatever it is that your appalling grasp of English believes that means?

I have neither the time or the inclination to jump through the hoops of your selection process as my qualifications are evident from my Curriculum Vitae. I hesitate to complete a form that presumes I may have a zip or a State

Screen what you like, select who you will , carefully consider whatever lights your candle . I for one am underwhelmed by this opportunity to go to the bottom of the career ladder that you so graciously offer.

Lastly, thank you for your co-operation, whilst perhaps sounding business like to your underdeveloped sense of courtesy is unfortunately a phrase I last recall Robocop saying. A small point I admit but ending your correspondence with phrases cribbed from a tax bill will ensure they conjure the same feelings.

All the best

I think I sound a bit precious but it passed an otherwise dull afternoon. I can picture the bloke in his office getting irate and muttering," God damn Limey faggit ****"

 

[llech]

Ungrateful twat!

 

[Nobby Sapper]

You sound just the man for the job.

 

[vvaannmmaann]

Mr Patel in Mumbai will be very cross when he reads that.

 

[Flagrantviolator]

Perhaps if you weren't so consumed with being a slack **** with little else better to do than insult honest recruiters, you might have a job to fill your idle hours. I wouldn't hire you to wipe the diarrhoea off my poodles bespattered nuts.

 

[Civvy Scum]

With an attitude like that you will go far. Expect an email from Mark very soon telling you to **** off.

Well done that man, winding up corporate mongs is ALWAYS a worthwhile pursuit, the gormless, up-their-own-arse fuckwits that they are.

 

[Harry Skinters]

Perhaps if you weren't so consumed with being a slack **** with little else better to do than insult honest recruiters, you might have a job to fill your idle hours. I wouldn't hire you to wipe the diarrhoea off my poodles bespattered nuts.

I am working in sales and am normally very busy. I just didn't like the blokes tone in his original email and his desire to analise my skills and indeed paragon them.

While I'm here , I can help with your Poodle by the way . I bought a dog grooming parlour with my resettlement money .Poodles are a speciality. I love them .

Unlike most dogs which have double coats, poodles have a single layer coat (no undercoat) composed of dense, curly fur that sheds minimally. They could be considered hypoallergenic (though not completely allergen free) The Poodle does shed, but instead of the fur coming off the dog, it becomes tangled in the surrounding hair. This can lead to matting without proper care. Texture ranges from coarse and woolly to soft and wavy. Poodle show clips require many hours of brushing and care per week, about 10 hours/week for a Standard Poodle. Poodles are usually clipped down into lower-maintenance cuts as soon as their show careers are over. Pet clips are much less elaborate than show and require much less maintenance. A pet owner can anticipate grooming a poodle every six to eight weeks. Although professional grooming is often costly, poodles are easy to groom at home with the proper equipment.



Hope this helps ?

 

[Manley]

I am working in sales and am normally very busy. I just didn't like the blokes tone in his original email and his desire to analise my skills and indeed paragon them.

While I'm here , I can help with your Poodle by the way . I bought a dog grooming parlour with my resettlement money .Poodles are a speciality. I love them .

Unlike most dogs which have double coats, poodles have a single layer coat (no undercoat) composed of dense, curly fur that sheds minimally. They could be considered hypoallergenic (though not completely allergen free) The Poodle does shed, but instead of the fur coming off the dog, it becomes tangled in the surrounding hair. This can lead to matting without proper care. Texture ranges from coarse and woolly to soft and wavy. Poodle show clips require many hours of brushing and care per week, about 10 hours/week for a Standard Poodle. Poodles are usually clipped down into lower-maintenance cuts as soon as their show careers are over. Pet clips are much less elaborate than show and require much less maintenance. A pet owner can anticipate grooming a poodle every six to eight weeks. Although professional grooming is often costly, poodles are easy to groom at home with the proper equipment.



Hope this helps ?

Plus, so I,m told, they make very nice Clopperlappers in their first six months of life.

 

[Harry Skinters]

Six months is about it , after that they just become jaded

 

[Flagrantviolator]

Perhaps you'd consider leaving sales and come work in Canada as a groomer (poodle, not my kids)/ au pair/ bacon buttie chef? I like your style.

 

[vvaannmmaann]

Oi Baz,did you get the copyright contract that I sent you?

 

[Harry Skinters]

Perhaps you'd consider leaving sales and come work in Canada as a groomer (poodle, not my kids)/ au pair/ bacon buttie chef? I like your style.

Are you an old lonely broken down Gunner/Sapper and would I have to wear a quasi official uniform for the role ?

 

[Harry Skinters]

Oi Baz,did you get the copyright contract that I sent you?

If this is about the male rape pic I can pay a yearly fee if you like ?

 

[Flagrantviolator]

Are you an old lonely broken down Gunner/Sapper and would I have to wear a quasi official uniform for the role ?

Broken down, alcoholic Tankie with a incredible hot wife ( 'struth! some on here have seen the pics)and 4 daughters ( 3 teenaged) Whom you are to stay well clear of. I will provide the bellman's cap. You will have to scrape the dried mortar out of my crevice at the end of each workday. Deal?

 

[WolvoExPunk]

Last year, I saw an ad in Gateshead Jobcentre for an experienced computer repair technician at a firm in Wallsend. The pay was the minimum wage. ******* slave driving cnuts!

I composed a similarly worded e-mail to them, saying I would not bring my laptop to them for repair as their staff must be right numpties if they're doing a skilled job for a shelfstacker's wage. I did not expect a reply.

A few weeks later, they sent one, thanking me for my application, but due to the large number of applicants, I was unsucessful. I never even enclosed a CV or stated any interest in the job!