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Dossy Jobs

#1
I was sat at a set of traffic lights in the car last Saturday. Just me and the 6 year old. Whenever it's just us two, i'm always happy to dispense a more X rated level of fatherly advice. Although the school he goes to doesn't have an official religion, he's always asking me Christian orientated questions like, "How many animals were on the ark?" and "Did Jesus come back to life?" My wife reckons that there's nothing wrong with a bit of Christianity-lite but I have to be true to my own principles and always answer as honestly as I can, conversing via the rear view mirror.

"There was no ark, son"
"Miss Whalley says there was."
"She's wrong"
"You're wrong"
"What've I told you before?"
"You're right about everything"
"Correct"
"But what about the ark?"
"I'll tell you son, they've scoured Mount Ararat and they've never found a fcuking donkey skeleton, never mind an ark."

Just as we were going to start going round in circles, a couple of mounted coppers tootled up on their horses. The religion conversation stopped as my lad had a good gawp at the rich brown fudge coming from one of the horses arrses.

"Why do they have police on horses, dad"

"I'm not sure, but it's got to be the number one dossy job on the planet"

"What's a dossy job?"

"That which we all seek, son."

Are there any equally dossy jobs? Your a Manchester based mounted copper. All your mates are chasing sh-itbags round the estates in cars and on foot, always in danger, up to their necks in crims of various sorts. Your contribution? Bimble round town in your black jodphurs, stopping occasionally to wink at yummy-mummies while their kids pat your horse. Every now and again, go down to Old Trafford or the Boo Camp and let your nag drop pancakes onto unsuspecting matchgoers. Seems like a good number. Do any of our resident boys in blue have an opinion?

Can any arrsers think of other jobs, they've casually envied?

We've been using cherrypickers for the last year. They always come supplied with a suitably dim-witted operator, who literally does fcuk-all once he's set the picker up. I had the same guy for 6 weeks at one stage. Every single day, he'd turn up, set the beast up, then read an Auto-mart for 8 hours. So if someone asked him in the pub what job he did, he'd have to say, "I'm a proof reader for Auto-mart" Lucky, dossy-job-doing c-unt.

I WANT A DOSSY JOB.
 

cpunk

LE
Moderator
#2
It has to be nurse in a hospice. The punters are all going to die, no matter what you do, so why not just put your feet up and read the papers?
 
#3
I wanna be a new WO1 in spamland, and sit around all day waiting for some Brit ORs to salute me.


Off thread and anticipating deletion, but you gotta dream.
 
#5
Theres a huge sports field, consisting of 3 footy pitches and a couple of rugby pitches near where i live. I exist in pure envy of the bloke who mows it. All day, sat on a tractor, smoking and listening to his ipod. It has no particular responsibility beyond not running anyone over. Thats the job for me.
 
#6
Abortion doctor. You get to ID all the slappers in town, all chicks dig doctors and you'll probably have a young doe-eyed nurse assisting you in your plush harley street office - PLUS: if you feck the procedure up, the women won't complain because they'll feel so guilty that they'll think they brought in on themselves and that god is punishing them.

I am going to hell.
 
#7
Surely it's an In Service Degree Officer? Paid by HMG their normal wage, accom paid for, tuition paid for and the totty comes free with the uni course! Find something dossier than that.
 
#8
The great british road repair worker. You get a natty tent to drink your brews in, spend 6 hours a day staring at your mate as he digs a hole with one of those little diggers, get a sun tan and watch bovine commuters in their vectras slowly lose the will to live.
 
#9
mini cab driver.

no personal hygene required,

no knowledge of the local area required whatsoever,

no flash car, any nissan with over 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 miles on the clock will do

no road tax mot or insurance required,

no ability to speak english required...

work the hours to suit you

and all the women you can rape. :D
 
#10
Civil Servant (especially at some MOD agencies)

Easy work - just repeat the same bullsh!t from the last programme, no responsibility - if you screw up they just move you to another project, loads of excuses to get out of the office and enjoy contractors' hospitality, internet access, flexi-time, no dress code, etc.
 
#11
boney_m said:
Theres a huge sports field, consisting of 3 footy pitches and a couple of rugby pitches near where i live. I exist in pure envy of the bloke who mows it. All day, sat on a tractor, smoking and listening to his ipod. It has no particular responsibility beyond not running anyone over. Thats the job for me.
Now I know an ex officer who has that job....
 
#12
media sales ..... a job for true slack ARRSEs you do nothing but butter up clients by going on the lash with them, close deals by going on the lash, and take your dough home in a wheelbarrow.

apparently it could be done by a shaved chimp with 2 hours training, and the advantage is ... wait for it

the chimps will work for peanuts ... boom boom ... er .. waiter... cheque please.
 
#13
Im applying forthe position of Bra fitter at my local lingerie shop!

"Tactics for Better Bra Fit

Luckily, there are ways to deal with these problems. Most lingerie stores, along with some larger department stores, have men on staff who are specially trained in fitting bras. While this may sound hideously embarassing, it really doesn't need to be - the staff are generally unfailingly professional. You can be measured while fully clothed, or naked, although measuring while undressed can give the fitter a far better idea of which bras will be best for your particular size and shape. As the vast majority of women (large-breasted or not) wear an improperly fitted bra, professional assistance can be invaluable"
 
#15
shortfuse said:
media sales ..... a job for true slack ARRSEs you do nothing but butter up clients by going on the lash with them, close deals by going on the lash, and take your dough home in a wheelbarrow.

apparently it could be done by a shaved chimp with 2 hours training, and the advantage is ... wait for it

the chimps will work for peanuts ... boom boom ... er .. waiter... cheque please.

Whats your point dole scum ;)
 
#16
I thought that Moody wasn't shaved?
 
#17
Gynaecologist, ginychologist, gynychologyst, gaeno - feck it, C'unt Doctor. I mean please. "Aaah, mrs wilson, you have necrotising faciatis and a scabby labia - take two brufen and wrap your flaps in tubigrip. That will be 500 of your english pounds please"

It's not like she's going to check is it? "'Ere, Maevis, cop a ganders at this, does it look like necatisy fashytighty?"

Doctors, bluffing cnuts.
 
#19
I remember when Rupert Murdoch first started buying up Fleet street, he would turn up at the offices of his latest acquisition, and randomly challenge people to explain what they did and justify their continued employment.
There were people there who had done bugger-all for so long, that they coudnt even remember what theyd been originally hired for. :roll:
 
#20
FARMER:

(a) drive a knackered un-roadworthy piece of sh*t and hold EVERYONE up
(b) get foot and mouth and don't need insurance coz you and me will fork out for them
(c) Nice brown envelope with their subsidy cheque in
(d) destroy the countryside and pretend you are a "custodian"
(e) wander round with a bit of straw up your arrse so everyone knows you're a dumb yokel
(f) need a lay - get a sheep
(g) pay 20 odd pence for your deisel
(h) spread sh*t everywhere and pretend its "fertilising" the land
(i) avoid inheretence tax because of the agricultural clause
(j) give your herd BSE by feeding your cows the cheapest crap you can lay your hands on and blame the government
(k) Moan about the 11p per litre you get for your milk but still do it coz you are still making money
(l) diversify into Ostrich farming then get bailed out by Mr taxpayer when it goes wrong
(m) lug staw around and watch it fall onto every car behind you
(n) lug cow sh*t and watch that stick to every windscreen behind you
(o) drive straight off a farm onto a road and deposit a tonne of mud onto it to help with road safety
(p) have the feckin goverment move the clocks an hour twice a year coz your herd can tell the time !
(q) pay less council tax because its an "agricultural dwelling"
(r) wear a stupid flat cap
(s) wear stupid wellies with your trousers tucked into them to your pub
(t) fart, belch and stick of sh*t in public because Joe pulblic excuses you as a farmer
(u) talk in a dim-wit accent "Oooo arrrrr Oooooo arrrrr...."
(v) limit your conversation to farming to the ignorance of all other issues
(w) live in times gone by
(x) use a mobile phone when driving your tractor
(y) block country lanes when chatting to your only mates - other farmers
(z) in the event of war, you won't get called up - we'll need the crap food they produce
 

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