Dossy Jobs

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, Sep 15, 2005.

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  1. I was sat at a set of traffic lights in the car last Saturday. Just me and the 6 year old. Whenever it's just us two, i'm always happy to dispense a more X rated level of fatherly advice. Although the school he goes to doesn't have an official religion, he's always asking me Christian orientated questions like, "How many animals were on the ark?" and "Did Jesus come back to life?" My wife reckons that there's nothing wrong with a bit of Christianity-lite but I have to be true to my own principles and always answer as honestly as I can, conversing via the rear view mirror.

    "There was no ark, son"
    "Miss Whalley says there was."
    "She's wrong"
    "You're wrong"
    "What've I told you before?"
    "You're right about everything"
    "But what about the ark?"
    "I'll tell you son, they've scoured Mount Ararat and they've never found a fcuking donkey skeleton, never mind an ark."

    Just as we were going to start going round in circles, a couple of mounted coppers tootled up on their horses. The religion conversation stopped as my lad had a good gawp at the rich brown fudge coming from one of the horses arrses.

    "Why do they have police on horses, dad"

    "I'm not sure, but it's got to be the number one dossy job on the planet"

    "What's a dossy job?"

    "That which we all seek, son."

    Are there any equally dossy jobs? Your a Manchester based mounted copper. All your mates are chasing sh-itbags round the estates in cars and on foot, always in danger, up to their necks in crims of various sorts. Your contribution? Bimble round town in your black jodphurs, stopping occasionally to wink at yummy-mummies while their kids pat your horse. Every now and again, go down to Old Trafford or the Boo Camp and let your nag drop pancakes onto unsuspecting matchgoers. Seems like a good number. Do any of our resident boys in blue have an opinion?

    Can any arrsers think of other jobs, they've casually envied?

    We've been using cherrypickers for the last year. They always come supplied with a suitably dim-witted operator, who literally does fcuk-all once he's set the picker up. I had the same guy for 6 weeks at one stage. Every single day, he'd turn up, set the beast up, then read an Auto-mart for 8 hours. So if someone asked him in the pub what job he did, he'd have to say, "I'm a proof reader for Auto-mart" Lucky, dossy-job-doing c-unt.

  2. cpunk

    cpunk LE Moderator

    It has to be nurse in a hospice. The punters are all going to die, no matter what you do, so why not just put your feet up and read the papers?
  3. I wanna be a new WO1 in spamland, and sit around all day waiting for some Brit ORs to salute me.

    Off thread and anticipating deletion, but you gotta dream.
  4. I want to be Charlotte Church's thong
  5. Theres a huge sports field, consisting of 3 footy pitches and a couple of rugby pitches near where i live. I exist in pure envy of the bloke who mows it. All day, sat on a tractor, smoking and listening to his ipod. It has no particular responsibility beyond not running anyone over. Thats the job for me.
  6. RTFQ


    Abortion doctor. You get to ID all the slappers in town, all chicks dig doctors and you'll probably have a young doe-eyed nurse assisting you in your plush harley street office - PLUS: if you feck the procedure up, the women won't complain because they'll feel so guilty that they'll think they brought in on themselves and that god is punishing them.

    I am going to hell.
  7. Surely it's an In Service Degree Officer? Paid by HMG their normal wage, accom paid for, tuition paid for and the totty comes free with the uni course! Find something dossier than that.
  8. RTFQ


    The great british road repair worker. You get a natty tent to drink your brews in, spend 6 hours a day staring at your mate as he digs a hole with one of those little diggers, get a sun tan and watch bovine commuters in their vectras slowly lose the will to live.
  9. mini cab driver.

    no personal hygene required,

    no knowledge of the local area required whatsoever,

    no flash car, any nissan with over 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 miles on the clock will do

    no road tax mot or insurance required,

    no ability to speak english required...

    work the hours to suit you

    and all the women you can rape. :D
  10. Civil Servant (especially at some MOD agencies)

    Easy work - just repeat the same bullsh!t from the last programme, no responsibility - if you screw up they just move you to another project, loads of excuses to get out of the office and enjoy contractors' hospitality, internet access, flexi-time, no dress code, etc.
  11. Now I know an ex officer who has that job....
  12. media sales ..... a job for true slack ARRSEs you do nothing but butter up clients by going on the lash with them, close deals by going on the lash, and take your dough home in a wheelbarrow.

    apparently it could be done by a shaved chimp with 2 hours training, and the advantage is ... wait for it

    the chimps will work for peanuts ... boom boom ... er .. waiter... cheque please.
  13. Im applying forthe position of Bra fitter at my local lingerie shop!

    "Tactics for Better Bra Fit

    Luckily, there are ways to deal with these problems. Most lingerie stores, along with some larger department stores, have men on staff who are specially trained in fitting bras. While this may sound hideously embarassing, it really doesn't need to be - the staff are generally unfailingly professional. You can be measured while fully clothed, or naked, although measuring while undressed can give the fitter a far better idea of which bras will be best for your particular size and shape. As the vast majority of women (large-breasted or not) wear an improperly fitted bra, professional assistance can be invaluable"
  14. I did look for the mountain rescue team job in Holland :wink:

  15. Whats your point dole scum ;)