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Dont fek with the RAF

#1
This has got to be hydraulics but....


Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road. One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO fighter jet over the North Sea, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district.

Back at police headquarters the police fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style.

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the aircraft had automatically locked on to your 'hostile radar equipment' and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder Air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the pilot responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile was launched".
 
#3
But would the Sidewinder be appropriate for that Canadian/Irish/Maltese lighthouse that stays still for decades then jumps out in front of Septic Carriers ?.
 
#6
Sounds like pish to me? How would the coppers know it was "latched" onto a plane if they couldn't see it, let alone where it came from originally.

Also, why would the plane be flying with fulll live ordnance on a low-level exercise? Hmmmmm

Lastly, although I stand to be corrected on this one, I'm pretty sure that planes don't automatically return missile fire to laser lock targets??
 
#8
I doubt that the speed gun has a particularly high output, would a fighter pick it up?
 
#10
See Mr_C_Hinecap is RAF and you don't want to fcuk with him :D

<prods RAF type with long stick> :D
 
#11
This appears to be a thread in which to post this. enjoy :)

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

These are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with
a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 
#12
Hey thats new. Thanks. :)
 
#13
strewth said:
This appears to be a thread in which to post this. enjoy :)

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

These are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with
a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
made me chuckle
 
#14
BanjoBill - Afraid the story is indeed total hydraulics. What is true is that in about 1989 IIRC, a Plod photographed a Sea King (or maybe a Puma - brain not working properly) flying under National Grid powerlines down in the West Country. This made the papers, and cartoonists, etc, had a field day exaggerating it into second-rate Speed Gun jokes. The only useful outcome was that the National Grid, who were utterly relaxed with the principle that we train people to fly under their lines, suddenly realised that this one particular location was not a good choice, since IF a mishap did occur, south Wales would have been blacked out - bit like nobody realising the critical importance of Walham power station until the waters started rising... :roll: Anyway, we got a useful list of places to avoid out of that.

Have seen the check-list version before - needless to say, whilst on this occasion attributed to Qantas, the gag about IFF rather undermines the idea that this is a genuine piece from any civil airline.

Don't mean to be a killjoy.
 
#15
Ollie - Had to be hydraulics mate... came from a reliable source of....

That kinda reminds me of when I lived in a small village in North Yorks... we often had low flying exercises - which I enjoyed... could watch the aircraft snaking about the valley... heading for the hill on which our house stood. Great fun!!!

I never believed the 300ft min rule... or at least my sense of the height of a pylon is much distorted. Never saw one go under wires though... but bloody close.

There was an ex RAF fighter driver lived in our village... I asked him about the min height rule... he just grinned and gave me that knowing look. :lol:
 
#16
A scuffer told me a similar tale a while back although this concerned a Herc on the ground at Lyneham.

Seems said snowdrop's mate was a bit bored and decided to point his speed gun (do the RAFP have those anyway?) at a passing special forces C-130 on its take off run and ended up with a runway strewn with chaff and flares and a rather unpleasent interview with his boss later.

I'm guessing that's a pile of bollocks too, though.
 
#17
strewth said:
This appears to be a thread in which to post this. enjoy :)

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

These are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with
a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Thanks strewth-had me crying with laughter :D
 
#18
BanjoBill said:
This has got to be hydraulics but....


Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road. One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO fighter jet over the North Sea, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district.

Back at police headquarters the police fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style.

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the aircraft had automatically locked on to your 'hostile radar equipment' and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder Air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the pilot responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile was launched".

Hope it's true - live in the area and it would be nice to know local plod are being kept on their toes :D
 
#19
oldmuso said:
BanjoBill said:
This has got to be hydraulics but....


Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road. One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO fighter jet over the North Sea, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district.

Back at police headquarters the police fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style.

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the aircraft had automatically locked on to your 'hostile radar equipment' and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder Air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the pilot responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile was launched".

Hope it's true - live in the area and it would be nice to know local plod are being kept on their toes :D
Also thanks to the RAF for our free 'Scottish Borders Air Show' Monday to Friday!!

Seriously though guys, total respect - and we're working on shutting up local objections to low flying exercises.
 
#20
This is a true one, it appeared in The RAF News:-

A farmer in Northern England got pi$$ed off with low flying aircraft scaring his animals, so he painted "PI$$ OFF BIGGLES" on the roof of his barn/house. This was like a red rag to a bull and word went round NATO, he got buzzed daily apparently. There was a photo of it as well.
 

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