Domestic Saboteurs

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, Nov 21, 2004.

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  1. I don't care what methods the CIA and all that lot use, there is no greater torture method than the one I discovered last night.

    I got in late last night and snuck quietly into the darkened bedroom. After silently disrobing I started across the room to get into bed. She says she didn't leave it there deliberately, but the upturned three-pin-plug that I stood on, gave me the worst blast of pain i've ever experienced. All three-pins right in that fcuking soft bit between the ball and the heel. I was doing Riverdance for fifteen minutes.

    Has anybody else been sabotaged in a similar unproveable fashion, by spouse or offspring?

    I broke my little toe on a skirting board corner two years ago. I'm beginning to think that she may have modified it while I was out.
  2. Got a late night call from hubby to tell me he was 'shwitly dwunk' and would be as quiet as a mouse when he got home 'I shwear you'll not hear a th-hic-ing'.
    As I’d had a hard day I went off to bed and fell fast asleep exhausted with baby tucked up in crib.
    Hubby duly returned home, didn't turn lights on as he was the caring type (shunt :evil: ) and as he staggered across the sitting room in the dark snapped his shinbone on the reason for my exhaustion.
    I’d spent the whole day rearranging furniture to set up a playpen in the corner.
    He didn't do riverdance, not for nearly three months... mwahahahah :twisted:

    Not a spouse or offspring at the time but I did creep into my brothers bedrooms to shake thumb tacks and single unit Lego pieces over their floors as they lay drunk when I was younger, oh how I’d smile when I’d hear them screaming at 0400 as they got up to go pee... :twisted:
  3. I have been sobaotaged and done in, in a kind of two stage pincer fashion this weekend.

    Friday afternoon, after a particularly shitty I week I drive home and the dashboard light appears and tells me I have multiple bulb failure... 'Super' I thought, just need a pull off the filth, so I looked for a Kwik fit to get it sorted.

    I found one, parked on the forecourt and wandered in.... all the spanner monkies were gathered around the max pax coffee machine and automatically sneered at the cnut in a suit.. seemingly annoyed that I had brought them some work so late on a friday afternoon.

    They told me to pull the motor inside and they would sort it, so I did.... as I climbed out of the motor, my foot slipped on some strategically placed water and both legs flew out in front of me sending my arse first into the deck...

    Fcuk it hurt like nothing on earth, I thought my arse was bust good and proper... all the workshop hid thier heads in thier hands and I heard bursts of laughter as i leapt in the air nursing my smashed up hoop.

    ten agonising minutes later I was en route back home to a hot bath and not a lot of pity.

    Part II

    My old dear is staying with us for a few days while my old man is in the krankenhaus... later the same evening, with a bruise the size of Brize Norton I make my way upstairs to fetch down a box for the trout.

    As I manoeuvre downstairs with a big heavy cardboard box I fail to see the two pairs of shoes and a handbag my old dear had left on the bottom step and trip backwards over them bringing my already poorly arse bone plummiting down on to the stair edge.

    My old dear, in 32 years has never heard me swear.... on this occasion however I called her all the cnuts under the sun as I ran around the back garden cradling my fritter like a rent boy who had just let the rugby team roar up him.
  4. Yeh I'm beginning to think that my sis-in-law had a hidden agenda against me. Offspring seems to 'forget' toys and lego bits over the floor (not in his room of course) despite repeated threats of shoving the whole lot in the bin, SIL seems to buy him more. Not only those, but those plastic super hereos model with sword attachments.
    I had one stepping incident when I couldn't sleep and when for a drink from kitchen. Unfortunately, this was during a serious episode of chicken pox couple years ago - where they were painful and got everywhere - inside and out including the sole of my feet; and not only did I patented a new form of wake-up alarm, I instantly felt the need to pee and recall not reaching the bog in time.

    Thanks spiderman. Ba$tard toys. :)
  5. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: There is a God!
  6. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator

    The favourite trick chez VB is to wait until I am in the shower and then flush the lavatory or turn on a hot tap in the kitchen, resulting in a freezing dousing or a thorough scalding for me. I swear I can hear laughter behind the 'oh, sorry...' that floats up the stairs in response to my agonised howls.

    While we're on the subject of unexplained domestic occurences, why are there always exactly 3 sheets of lavatory paper left whenever I go for a dump?
  7. Stepping in cold cat sh*t in bare feet. It's for winners, especially when it curls up between you toes... 8O
  8. My parent's old neighbours had a cat that really loved them. It loved them so much that it would go out hunting at night and bring back things for them.
    It would lay those presents beside the bed without a sound. You could hear her scream from next door when she stood on the worms / mice etc in the middle of the night!
  9. Why would you ever need more?

    Wipe, scrape and shine, - nothing further required!! :D
  10. I too have suffered the agonising pain of stepping (Nae, Jumping!!!) onto a 3pinned plug.

    I was coming down the ladder from my attic and jumped the last 2 steps. Upon landing i was greeted with the unimaginable pain of landing barefooted (i know, dumb or what!) onto a stry power plug that had managed to find its way into the centre of the hallway.

    it burst the skin open and left a real bitch of a bruise on the soft squidgy part of my foot!!


    Now i look where im jumping :)

    agent smith
  11. Mrs Chickenpunk recently had a tilt at wiping out two members of the Chickenpunk family in one go. She 'refurbished' an old brass table lamp that her Grandmother had left her. It polished up very nicely but, of course, she didn't bother to check the wiring where a lot of the insulation had rotted away. Chickenpunk Junior then switches on the light and gets a great wallop of mains electricity up the arm and, of course, sticks to the lamp. I heard him screaming and, without thinking, grabbed him to pull him off and got the same rather big shock. Fortunately I was able to kick the lamp out of his hand. Poor little fecker had full-thickness burns across three fingers. Ouch.
  12. Strangely enough, I had almost exactly the same experience as Chickenpunk with an electrical 'heirloom' that mysteriously appeared one day from my Grandfather's house.

    A 1950's style pair of Hair Clippers.

    At the time, I was 13 or 14 and still at school, the rage in haircuts at the time was shaved No'2 at the sides and back.

    I discovered the aforementioned Hair Clippers in a carrier bag behind the sofa and thought "Hmmm, I'll save myself some money in Haircuts here"..

    Being the coward that I am, I thought rather than jump straight in and give myself a Haircut I'd try them out on my Younger Brother, who was about 8 at the time and readily (Stupidly) agreed to be my model.

    Knowing that an actual Hairdresser oiled the blades of the clippers before use, I decided to lubricate them with the first thing that came to hand...surreally.or perhaps even Ironically..'Fairy' Washing up Liquid.

    Switching the big heavy clippers on with a powerful and reassuring 'Humm'... Away I went, deftly ploughing a 1 inch furrow through the side of my younger brothers this point standing back to admire my handiwork, something went seriously wrong (Perhaps the Fairy Liquid lubrication had done its inevitable work?) and my arm suddenly went rigid as the Humm from the clippers changed in note and I gripped the clippers in an electrical Death Grip...Realising that I was being electrocuted in a pretty savage way I tried to throw the clippers to the floor...My hand wouldn't release them no matter how hard I desperation I looked up and saw my Younger Brother watching me with a bemused smirk on his face and for reasons unknown to me..perhaps instinctively, I reached out and touched his arm with my Free hand.

    The Results were instantaneous...My Brother Screamed and (what was left of) his hair stood bolt upright
    Luckily, The clippers flew from my grasp and smashed into pieces all over the floor.


    The add insult to injury, I caught a good wallop from my Mum when she spied my younger brothers fetching Haircut (Who was now sporting a Hairdo that wouldn't look out of place on a member of Duran Duran)

    Needless to say, I never grew up to be a hairdresser..
    I'd also like to point out I've had a healthy respect for mains electricty ever since :D