doing my bit for world poverty

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by shortfuse, Jul 4, 2005.

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  1. this weekend i hosted a dinner party to raise awareness about the plight of the worlds poor,

    for starters we had roasted baby quail in a white truffle and cocaine jus

    for the main course in keeping with the "keep poverty off our streets" theme we had a buttered tramp on a spit, cooked in his jacket to give him that wonderful "gamey taste.

    pudding was a selection of glazed endangered species on a bed of gold leaf and the whole evening was set off perfectly in the flickering glow of burning twenty pound notes (so much better than tenners but i find fifties are a little pretentious)

    i now feel my conscience is salved and i can look the world in the eye and say "i've done my bit"

    anyone else helping keep this message in the public eye?
  2. I'm proud of you mate - I did my bit too - caught a poverty stricken chav breaking into my car last night - he was obviously so hungry, cold, and one step away from deaths door that he and his chum had to go around scavenging from new cars. And the officer agreed (fortunately) that in the darkness it was difficult to gauge distance when running, and I accidentally ran into him with my Maglite - the big fcuckin' version - at earhole height, and as he turned around his nose got caught up with the heel of my right hand. I half expected his mate to come and see what the fuss was about - but he must have had a phone call from his mum telling him to run home straight away..... and this is in leafy Berkshire for chrissake!!!!
  3. I, too, was inspired by Sir Bob's efforts on poverty and hunger..been beastly hot lately and a number of the denizens of the local creek have been wandering about, aimlessly from the heat, on the roads... accidently took out a racoon and a goose with my precision driving..

    rather than have them go to waste I scooped up the puree and delivered them to a small coterie of indigents sitting on a park bench..looked like they needed them as the young girls were desperately thin and the boys quite slack in the muscle department..

    one young lady screamed in delight as I placed the freshly deceased bird in her petite lap.

    also offered an old blanket from the car as she was poorly attired in an ill fitting shrrunken top and pants that couldn't pull up all the way...b*stard boys were more than amply supplied with oversized shirts and pants with plenty of excess material but the b*stards wouldn't think of even giving their girls the ball cap off their heads as protection from the sun, even though they had a gumby hanky underneath them for additional sunblock...

    Left them all shouting with thanks and a pack of plastic cutlery I had in the glove compartment from a visit to Kentucky Chicken last week..

    feel I've earned a Church indulgence with that move...
  4. "I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."

    Groucho Marx
  5. Quality!!!!!!
  6. We all know its pointless feeding the hungry as they will only sit on thier idle arses expecting 3 square a day until they fall hungry and bleat again.

    Why not erect a big pie shop, or even project an image at the distant edge of each and every minefield.

    As the hungry drool and start to wander towards the ginsters stand they will detonate the mines thus killing two birds with one stone. No more hunger, no more minefields.

    I'm sure this idea can be marketted in betting circles and bring in icreased revenue, in order that we can book a flight for Bob Geldof..... we could send him first class to the dark side of the moon.
  7. I've given further thought to this, and I'm sure there are a vast number of hungry people who will feel left out due to being too hungry to walk.

    No problem, a team of pre-selected lucky people can lob them into the fields from the bucket of a big JCB :D
  8. Why don't they feed the dead to the living ?
  9. Armourer you are one sick, sick puppy!

    Beebs :?
  10. Armourer, you can be my dawg.
  11. 307

    307 War Hero

    Wait a minute though, armourer has just solved 3rd world starvation, without even flickering an eyelid. Apparently cannablisim is all the rage in Africa anywho!
  12. ah! the Soylent Green solution..
  13. I really wanted to see what all the fuss was about so I re-enacted one of the 'disturbing' scenes forced on me whilst trying to watch Live-ate. I stripped off, rubbed some jam on my face to get the flies in, pulled some hessian over my head, sat down in my neighbour's garden, (no breakfast of course...serious...) drew my knees up so they were touching an ear each and then looked sadly at him and his family as they got the barby going. I even pretended to nod off and lurched dangerously to the left feigning imminent death. In the end he came across with a beer and said 'join in mate, there's plenty to go round!' Which of course there was :)
  14. I did my bit by beating up some anti-capitalist protestors who were trashing a McDonalds - how do they think they are going to stop world hunger by destroying the world's premier fast-food outlet? I was trying to explain that maybe they should buy some Happy Meal for some starving kids & send them there by airmail, but then they complained that they'd spent all their giros on weed, beer and Ché Guevara-halves. They said that as the capitalist oppressor, I should pay. I then politely pointed out that I'd already paid, and that they'd spent it within minutes of cashing their giros, so it was their turn. This got their tiny little CCCP flag waving little minds all tangled up, so then they started to get eggy. And that was just the smell emanating from their unwashed dreadlocks. They threatened to set that intellectual and physical behemoth Fridgemagnet from Unwashed75 on me, which didn't impress me too much. This made them even eggier, although that effect may have been due to the sun coming out from behind a cloud & raising the temperature somewhat.

    I then remembered that I had a bar of soap in my pocket, and I raised it like a crucifix to a vampire. They hissed and shied away from its pleasent scent and 1/4 moisturising cream, and started writhing around on the floor in some kind of Socialist angst.

    By this time I'd had quite enough of them and their smell, so I quickly brained them all with a roll of twenties & fúcked off at the high port.