The time has come to bring the newly aquired RTFQ Towers into the late 90's by installing a 'Personal Computer' with access to something called the 'Worlwhyweb.' I am supposed to be greatly excited by this prospect. My friends and doris recently ambushed me as I read "Don Quixote" and claimed that I was a dinosaur and a philistine for not having a computer (and for never answering my phone - another story). My friends managed, covertly, to convey that I was missing out on a subterranean world of flesh and lubricant, whilst my girlfriend subtly suggested that unless I stopped embarrassing her modernity and either purchased a PC or curtailed my use of old unit polo shirts/ties/tankards, the flow of regular sex would dry up. No way was I binning my regtl merchandise, so I agreed to go 'online'. Now, this seems to mean that I must sacrifice my evenings spent in the bar, playing sport (inexpertly), making love (downright incompetantly) or taking baths (erm, I mean playing more sport). In their place it seems I have to sit in front of a little glowing machine, playing with myself whilst oriental women put things in themselves and ordering eastern european brides. I'm not convinced, but if I have to embrace humanity's 'ascent' then I want to make sure I'm doing it with best gadgets and in the best company. Unfortunately, despite what one may think, my expansive knowledge of porn, playstation2, calculators and text messages does not magically combine into a working knowledge of computers and global communication. Indeed, up-until yesterday, I thought the internet was something I only did at work in protest at the fact that they've taken all my soldiers and friday pm knock-offs away. I've already tustled with the automated hell of tiscali and the asian telephonic sweat-shops of various other providers and I'm 'enabled' which is nice. The rest is where you guys come in. I'm prostrating myself before arrse's wisdom. How do I best (and most inexpensively) make use of the internet? Your advice on the following would be most useful: PC: I'm thinking of getting one from the Dell Outlet site, as it feels decidedly black market and has much cheapness - has anyone found them to be any good? Game: Total War - Rome. Looks sufficiently grandiose and I can pointlessly send squads of troops marching back and forward across the map, just like being a real officer. I suppose I also want a flight thingy whereby I can shoot germans down in wrecks of twisted metal and flames. A little headphone thingy would also be useful so I can hear the hun basta.rds scream their last. Any recommendations? Porn - More importantly, how to sterilise your computer post-porn so the pop ups and predictive text-address box thingy doesn't jack on you to the girlfriend for looking at theDevilsCheerleaders.com. Mother. Any other decent stuff to do/look at on the internet that preferably doesn't involve hastening palm-hair growth and prostate failure, and which may be interesting/educational even. Free music download sites. Preferably illegal and likely to induce James Hetfield or Mariah Carey into raging, foot stamping, over pampered aneurisms. The email address for that nice nigerian bloke offering investment opportunities in the Gabon. I want me a slice of that action. Software stopping repeated adverts for pharmaceutical products etc invading my machine. Do I look like the kind of bloke that orders his medicine from people on the internet called Archie Velez? You get the picture. Any advice at all will be gratefully received. Oh, and what is the Matrix btw? I was too busy looking at Carrie Anne Moss's lycra clad thighs and bemoaning how she'd never get a good grouping with a MP5K with those firing positions to pay attention to anything else.