Does Ling Do computers?

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by RTFQ, Apr 4, 2006.

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  1. RTFQ


    The time has come to bring the newly aquired RTFQ Towers into the late 90's by installing a 'Personal Computer' with access to something called the 'Worlwhyweb.'

    I am supposed to be greatly excited by this prospect.

    My friends and doris recently ambushed me as I read "Don Quixote" and claimed that I was a dinosaur and a philistine for not having a computer (and for never answering my phone - another story). My friends managed, covertly, to convey that I was missing out on a subterranean world of flesh and lubricant, whilst my girlfriend subtly suggested that unless I stopped embarrassing her modernity and either purchased a PC or curtailed my use of old unit polo shirts/ties/tankards, the flow of regular sex would dry up. No way was I binning my regtl merchandise, so I agreed to go 'online'.

    Now, this seems to mean that I must sacrifice my evenings spent in the bar, playing sport (inexpertly), making love (downright incompetantly) or taking baths (erm, I mean playing more sport). In their place it seems I have to sit in front of a little glowing machine, playing with myself whilst oriental women put things in themselves and ordering eastern european brides. I'm not convinced, but if I have to embrace humanity's 'ascent' then I want to make sure I'm doing it with best gadgets and in the best company.

    Unfortunately, despite what one may think, my expansive knowledge of porn, playstation2, calculators and text messages does not magically combine into a working knowledge of computers and global communication. Indeed, up-until yesterday, I thought the internet was something I only did at work in protest at the fact that they've taken all my soldiers and friday pm knock-offs away. I've already tustled with the automated hell of tiscali and the asian telephonic sweat-shops of various other providers and I'm 'enabled' which is nice. The rest is where you guys come in.

    I'm prostrating myself before arrse's wisdom. How do I best (and most inexpensively) make use of the internet? Your advice on the following would be most useful:

    PC: I'm thinking of getting one from the Dell Outlet site, as it feels decidedly black market and has much cheapness - has anyone found them to be any good?

    Game: Total War - Rome. Looks sufficiently grandiose and I can pointlessly send squads of troops marching back and forward across the map, just like being a real officer. I suppose I also want a flight thingy whereby I can shoot germans down in wrecks of twisted metal and flames. A little headphone thingy would also be useful so I can hear the hun basta.rds scream their last. Any recommendations?

    Porn - More importantly, how to sterilise your computer post-porn so the pop ups and predictive text-address box thingy doesn't jack on you to the girlfriend for looking at Mother.

    Any other decent stuff to do/look at on the internet that preferably doesn't involve hastening palm-hair growth and prostate failure, and which may be interesting/educational even.

    Free music download sites. Preferably illegal and likely to induce James Hetfield or Mariah Carey into raging, foot stamping, over pampered aneurisms.

    The email address for that nice nigerian bloke offering investment opportunities in the Gabon. I want me a slice of that action.

    Software stopping repeated adverts for pharmaceutical products etc invading my machine. Do I look like the kind of bloke that orders his medicine from people on the internet called Archie Velez?

    You get the picture. Any advice at all will be gratefully received.

    Oh, and what is the Matrix btw? I was too busy looking at Carrie Anne Moss's lycra clad thighs and bemoaning how she'd never get a good grouping with a MP5K with those firing positions to pay attention to anything else. :D
  2. ... sooooooooooooooooooooo you play sport, make love (?) and take baths in the bar do you? Are you in Ancient Rome perchance?

    Don't Dell. Close approximation-to-a-boyf (CAB) told me they're not that great.

    I bought one from and it's fecking brilliant. Mind you I am a doris...

    and the cheapest legal and SAFE MP3 source on the net is

    You can decent burning, conversion and mixing software at

    ummmmm. Wear protection whilst surfing. There's a lot of nastys out there. Especially from asian girls.
  3. I've been using Dell PCs, Laptops and PDAs for years and I cannot really fault them. If you are based at a BFPO location you can alos get them delivered Tax Free (as I have done a number of times - it's easy!!)

    Design the spec you want and can afford - they will deliver in about 10 days or so. Sorted!!
  4. You will need a machine with a decent graphics card too, if you want to get into gaming. Although, that doesn't mean you need to spend the earth on one.

    I personally would never buy a prebuilt computer again, its far, far cheaper to build your own. Which is what I done, using a two page guide that come free with a magazine. You could prob. build a decent system, with a monitor, etc for around 600quid.
  5. RTFQ


    Look love, I'm sure it's good for emailing a list of your favourite members of Westlife to your mates, and for checking the spring collection of your local etam. It's probably got large bubble keys for your outsized fingers, but I want POWER so I can invade countries and shoot down messerschmidts. :D
  6. Dell are the spawn of the devil when it comes to pooters, but they have brilliant customer services for when they go hopelessly wrong. I’d recommend them to anyone who knows bugger all about IT as they make your life easy.

    If you want a gaming machine then take a look at this bad boy

    the operating system to XP professional
    the ram to 2048MB Dual Channel DDR2 533MHz (2x1024)
    the graphics card to Dual nVidia(R) GeForce(TM) 7800GTX

    and you’ll have a gaming machine worthy of a king :D

    If you want a good wary game then I’d recommend BattleFeild2 – you play against others on the internet and kill, kill, kill.

    For free porn, go here

    To protect yourself against nasty popups, viruses, hackers, and other internet nastys use Norton Internet Security 2006.

    Free MP3s I’m yet to track down but for dirt cheap MP3s go here
    and if you want free music streamed to your computer then go here

    How to best make use of the net?
    Well shopping on line is cheaper than going to the highstreet and more convenient. Go to for bargains on anything and everything, I use for all my CD, DVD, gaming purchases.
    I use to find maps of areas I haven’t been to before.
    There’s MSN messenger for chatting to friends, ARRSE for a little light entertainment, and more porn than I know what to do with.

    It really boils down to what you want to use your computer for, you’re limited only by your imagination and your pocket book.

    Oh and if you want to know what the Matrix is then look here :wink:
  7. Then you could be a geek like me - I loved it on room inspections as people would come into my room, look at my huge, glow in the dark PC. Then as soon as I explained it didn't have a fan, it had water instead, they would talk to me about computers and then leave.

    I never even used to bother tidying my room to a high standard in the end, as I knew they would just look at the computer, talk about it and then leave!!!
  8. Free music: (PM me if you want Limewire PRO for free)

    Free (and pop-up free) porn: (NSFW) The only pop up is at the end when you leave the site, and amazingly it just goes away when you click the X, not start an indefinite chain of the becking things. If you use FireFox as your browser, then it's automatically blocked. The general porn standard is around 80-95% for the general stuff. if you want to perv over sweaty women without registering, PM me and you can use my account.

    Game: Imperial Glory. Tis excellent.
  9. Dell are crap. Avoid like the plague. I've used a couple of times and they worked for me.

    As to Rome:Total War, the vanilla version is historically appalling. Download one of the mods around - I recommend wholeheartedly - if you don't want to be mocked for your views on ancient military orbats.

    Avoid Norton Antivirus like the plague too, it's worse then the viruses in come respects. I use AVG Antivirus and ZoneAlarm firewall (the free versions) and they do it for me. Oh, and OpenOffice as a free alternative to MS Office.
  10. There is also a fantastic freeware version of photoshop. Just google "the Gimp", its really good... and free.
  11. if you want any software, then give me a shout and i'll be able to get most things for you, either free or at a fraction of the extortionate prices normally charged.

    and for the record: MFPS is completely free and only needs a valid email address to join.
  12. freewares are crap. WAREZ all the way!
  13. This thread should be renamed to: "All who offer advice, on this thread, are computer Geeks. Beware". :D