'Doctor, doctor! My small son has just swallowed a roll of film.' 'Don't worry. Let him rest a bit and we'll wait and see what develops.' Since I had treatment by a private doctor I've lost five kilos in weight. The doctor's bill was so enormous I've been unable to afford to buy any food to eat. Last Tuesday I was in the doctor's waiting room and a young man came in with an expensive watch for the doctor. 'Thank you, thank you, thank you!' said the man, giving the doctor the expensive watch. 'This is a small token of my thanks for all your excellent treatment of my uncle.' 'But he died last week.' said the doctor. 'I know,; replied the young man. 'Thanks to your treatment I've just inherited five million pounds.' What did the vampire doctor shout out in his waiting room? 'Necks please!' Patient: 'Doctor, I want to stop pulling funny faces.' Doctor: 'Why?' Patient: 'Because the ugly people don't like it when I pull their faces.' When my mother-in-law went to the doctor and complained that her nose runs and her feet smell, he said: 'I'm not surprised. You were made upside down.' The woman went to see the doctor. She had a large flower growing out of the top of her head. The doctor looked at the flower and said: 'That is quite remarkable. I've never seen anything like that before. But I'll soon cut it off.' 'Cut it off?' snapped the woman. 'I don't want the flower cut off. I just want it treated against greenfly.'