Do You (in a minor way) Buck The System At Work?

#1
Its really pointless & childish, but it makes me feel good - the green t-shirt I wear for work does not bear the name of any Op Tour I have been on, any previous posting I have had, any major exercise I have been on.

No - It bears the name of my favourite band. From the outside I look the model soldier, under my shirt - IM A ROCKER!!!

Come on you ex RCT types - confess to wearing your old RCT stable belts under your combat jackets.

For the record, its a Cinerama T-Shirt.
 
#2
Phew! I can hear the strains of "Wild Thing" in the background.............GB, you are living life on the edge.
I suppose my penchant for wearing full rig under my combats is mild by comparison...........
 
#3
Rickshaw - like I said, it is really pointless & childish - just enables me to walk round feeling a little bit smug with myself. Wearing full rig under your combats - well thats another thing entirely.
 
#6
Nope,

I respect my supervisors and seek to carry out all tasks allotted to me in a timely and efficient manner whilst having due regard for the sensitivities all anyone whom I may encounter whilst about my lawful occasions....

Not...
 
#7
It's a very important, sanity maintaining device, to get small ones over on the bosses.

I make it a point of principle to never defecate during my lunch break. Even if it's pushing me off the canteen seat, i'll happily bake a turd, until the minute hand of the clock creaks past 1pm. I can then sh-it to my hearts content, safe in the knowledge that each breather ring brings me another 5 minutes closer to hometime.

As BA Baracus once said,

"I piddy tha fool, who don't take his sh-its in da firm's time"
 
#8
convoy_cock said:
It's a very important, sanity maintaining device, to get small ones over on the bosses.

I make it a point of principle to never defecate during my lunch break. Even if it's pushing me off the canteen seat, i'll happily bake a turd, until the minute hand of the clock creaks past 1pm. I can then sh-it to my hearts content, safe in the knowledge that each breather ring brings me another 5 minutes closer to hometime.

As BA Baracus once said,

"I piddy tha fool, who don't take his sh-its in da firm's time"
Phew, I'm not the only one then. I always make a point to have a sh1t before I leave as well, even if I don't need one, I force a bit out. No point sh1tting in your own time.
 
#9
StabTiffy2B said:
convoy_cock said:
It's a very important, sanity maintaining device, to get small ones over on the bosses.

I make it a point of principle to never defecate during my lunch break. Even if it's pushing me off the canteen seat, i'll happily bake a turd, until the minute hand of the clock creaks past 1pm. I can then sh-it to my hearts content, safe in the knowledge that each breather ring brings me another 5 minutes closer to hometime.

As BA Baracus once said,

"I piddy tha fool, who don't take his sh-its in da firm's time"
Phew, I'm not the only one then. I always make a point to have a sh1t before I leave as well, even if I don't need one, I force a bit out. No point sh1tting in your own time.
I don't see the point of
a) sh1iting in MY time
b) wasting MY water (and other toilet consumables)
c) using MY toilet paper

I get few enough perks as it is, need to make the most of the facilites!

I could expand this by the same logic of why should i screw my wife in my time when i can screw the seceratery in work time. (obvioulsy this would never happen as Im happily married and the seceratery is a moose old enough to be my grandmother!!)

OS
 
#10
A good point has been raised here. Logging on work time.
I don't even cack during the weekends or in the evening at home. Like convoy, I don't log in lunchtimes either.
Maybe this explains why I never take a holiday. Personally 2 weeks is the longest I can hold in a turkey without some form of chemical or medical assistance. The 2 weekers normally get stuck half way, at which point I have to wrap the jammed turd in bog paper, thus forming a rudimentary pistol grip, and use the hand assist to drag the bugger out.
It would kill a straight man.
 
#11
toilet breaks should always be carried out during work time and i can be regularly be seen carryiny a water bottle to make the most of it.
That and my nato green t-shirt with a dog licking it's own arrse with the slogan " I can't believe it's not butter"
 
#13
the_rigger said:
A good point has been raised here. Logging on work time.
I don't even cack during the weekends or in the evening at home. Like convoy, I don't log in lunchtimes either.
Maybe this explains why I never take a holiday. Personally 2 weeks is the longest I can hold in a turkey without some form of chemical or medical assistance. The 2 weekers normally get stuck half way, at which point I have to wrap the jammed turd in bog paper, thus forming a rudimentary pistol grip, and use the hand assist to drag the bugger out.
It would kill a straight man.
Only last Thursday I got gripped by the boss. It was ten to one and I was back at my desk. He was surprised to see me there before one o clock and even more surprised to see me knocking out knees to the chest like a good 'un.

"What the bl-oody hell are you doing, Convoy."

Without breaking stride, I informed him.

"An old army trick boss. You know that cardboard compacting skip out the back of the compound?"

"Yes"

"This does the same job. The action compresses the turd back into the colon. When it comes out, it's like chewing tobacco. If I don't knock out another 40, I may have to have a shizer in my own time."

He walked off muttering. He was either horrified by my actions or disorientated from the little, one-cheek-sneaks I was letting off with each rep.

As for BA Baracas, Gunny, he was a real pavement philosopher and could always be counted on, to dispense street-sense when it was needed.

My favourite episode was when he got leathered in the NAAFI at Fallingbostel and started bezzering Hannibal.

"Hannibal, I love you, man, an I piddy tha' fool that says owt different. (he always lapsed into a strong Yorkshire accent when beered up.) But if you try and put me on a plane again, a'll fookin have thee."
 
#14
Further to Mr Ts cacking wisdom, in the director's cut of Rocky III when Clubber Lang offers out Rocky, he actually says.
"Come on, Balboa. I'll fight you anytime, but you better be making it quick sucker, cuz I need a crap real bad, and I aint takin me no log in no work time. Damn, I knew I shudda had me a turd before PT. Hurry up, fool, I be prairy doggin'."
 
#15
For the past two years I have been religiously stealing stuff from work and giving it away. I also always take a three hour lunch break and took great pleasure in missing work several times in order to watch the Lions tour of New Zealand. I have also been thrashing my company van and making a nonsense of its fuel economy figures with poor clutch control and the speed I drive it at.

Imagine my surprise then when my wife reminded me that I own 50% of the company and that I am the CEO too. Was my face red...but luckily we all saw the funny side.
 
#16
I'm supposed to be doing a diagram of a network overview on powerpoint for my boss today.

Him being a bit of a forgetful c-unt, little did he realise that he asked me to do the same thing for him last June, and never bothered looking at it. Therefore I have been pleasantly spu-nking off all day, doing just about fcuk all. When he comes by later to ask how i'm getting on, I'll get a good ten second warning as I can see him coming along the corridor. I shall simply stick a pencil in my mouth and adopt a confused frown, squinting at my PC before saying.

"Didn't notice you there, boss."

"How are you getting on with that overview, Convers, old bean?"

"I'm nearly, there. Just a bit of tidying up to do, massa."

"Good, good. That's the spirit."

Returning to the Mr T/BA/Clubber theme though. I can't help thinking that things might have turned out differently had he been my boss.

"Hey, Convoy, you jive ass muthaf-ucka. You dun that muthaf-ucking network overview yet. I be needin' it for my presentation to the muthaf-cukin directors later, you dig?"

"Yes, i've nearly finished it BA."

"Don't you lip me, white bread. I smash muthaf-uckas like you every day. I say every mutha-fcuking day. You been spunking off aintcha huh?"

"No, Clubber."

"You lying muthafcuka. I asked you to do it last year. I still got the muthafcuking email in Microsoft muthaf-ucking Outlook, shamone (whoops that was Michael Jackson)"

A hastily arranged beating-to-within-an-inch-of-my-life would then ensue, with me occasionally saying through broken teeth "You ain't so bad."

BA as boss. The mind boggles.
 
#17
Inspired by reading this thread yesterday, this morning I did not carry out my usual waking IA Drill fully( SFYPS - Scratch, fart, yawn, p*ss, sh*t). I left off the last S, and determined to stick it to the man, held on to my bowel movement until I was on Army time. Not a pleasant experience, I guess I'm just designed to poo first thing in the morn. Not doing so chucked my whole system out of kilter, and I couldn't get anything right. Cut myself shaving, burnt my toast, made a crap cup of tea, upset the kids (OK, that's normal), stalled the car, and forgot my beret.

Thanks to you bunch of c*nts, I've just spent the most uncomfortable hour and a half I can remember (since that perianal abcess, anyway), doing the stiff buttock two step whilst trying not to cack myself. The relief when I finally made it to the work bog was almost sexual, and I spent a glorious couple of minutes revelling in the lack of colonic pressure. Somewhat recovered, I reached for the toilet roll only to find the remnant of half a sheet tagged on to the cardboard, and no replen.

From now on, I'm going to sh*t on my own time,and instead just go to the bog ten minutes before NAAFI Break to play with my willy, whilst perusing old copies of Army Training News. that'll learn 'em.

As for BA Baracus, the man was a fool. Murdoch was the real power there.
 
#18
Bad drills, senor. Re training you body to cack on army time (no, not -one two three squeeze, two three wipe), is like trying to a get a baby to sleep through the night. It isn't just plain sailing from the start. Stick with it, mate. And soon you will be enjoying the experience of dunging up the traps under the comforting knowledge that you are shirking work.
And once you have mastered that, you can go for the holy grail of worktime toilet antics. The ladies lavvy, 'mission impossible', uber verbotten, daytime milk. It's the Hereford Gun Club of ironman trap drills.

And ref your Murdoch clap trap, that' crazy talk, Sucker! That Murdoch, he ain't right in the head, damn fool always be talkin' 'bout all kinds of weird she-it.
 
#19
Blo-ody hell, i'd forgotten about the workee-wankee. As for doing it the women's bogs, that's a bridge too far for me i'm afraid. If something at work has caught my eye sufficiently enough to make me want to pull the head off it, I make straight for the disabled bog on floor two. As my mate always says about disabled bogs.

"I come for the leg room, but I stay because there's no mirrors."

You can have a great thrap in the disabled bog, safe in the knowledge that nobody is going to pop in to the trap next door, just as your on pre-vinegars. You know pre-vinegars? That bit in your daily wa-nk where you know your just about to hit vinegars, but you check your watch and see you've got bags of time, so you ease off a bit, until the hair trigger has lapsed slightly, knowing that you can milk back to vinegars with a couple of really vigorous, glans popping strokes. The sink in the disabled bog is perfectly placed as well, just the right height to rest your spuds whilst aiming for the overflow cavity with your spudge.

The only downside is the exit. I listen carefully at the door until i'm certain there is no human traffic within earshot. As soon as it's quiet, I dash out a la Coalisland RUC 1988 and don't stop until i'm at least 5 yards clear, before dropping into a casual walk as an unmilked bit of flubber oozes into my grundies.

PS Anyone who thinks Murdoch was the power behind the throne, is guilty of a massive self-deception, for, as BA once said at 5.45 one Saturday afternoon on ITV,

"The 'Nam fcuked his punk ass up real good. Why you think I don't beat on him no mo' Hannibal? Shhheee-it, it be like kickin' a man, when he down. Hey, what's the time. You muthafcuka, lunch break be over an I be needin' ma daily sh-it."
 
#20
Themanwho said:
Inspired by reading this thread yesterday, this morning I did not carry out my usual waking IA Drill fully( SFYPS - Scratch, fart, yawn, p*ss, sh*t). I left off the last S, and determined to stick it to the man, held on to my bowel movement until I was on Army time. Not a pleasant experience, I guess I'm just designed to poo first thing in the morn. Not doing so chucked my whole system out of kilter, and I couldn't get anything right. Cut myself shaving, burnt my toast, made a crap cup of tea, upset the kids (OK, that's normal), stalled the car, and forgot my beret.

Thanks to you bunch of c*nts, I've just spent the most uncomfortable hour and a half I can remember (since that perianal abcess, anyway), doing the stiff buttock two step whilst trying not to cack myself. The relief when I finally made it to the work bog was almost sexual, and I spent a glorious couple of minutes revelling in the lack of colonic pressure. Somewhat recovered, I reached for the toilet roll only to find the remnant of half a sheet tagged on to the cardboard, and no replen.
Skills son, skills. You need the P part of EDIP. I shall begin with the E. It takes practice. Trust me, of course, I would never do this myself, it can be done by anyone with sufficient practice. Perhaps begin with a tiny poo in the morning to relieve the pressure. Plenty of farts in bed should do the trick to ease off the colon. Then comence scratching/yawning/piss. Important not to piss at the same time as your mini poo as you will feel tempted to let the whole lot go.

You will find that your first cup of coffee will be sufficient to send your bowels into spasm and you will find that you have to rush to the loo at this point (on works time of course as you have already logged into your computer (pardon the pun)). You may find that for the first week or two this is a bit of a runny one. However, with practice, you will find that the farting in bed relieves enough pressure that you will not need the morning mini poo and the first one at work will be more solid.

Good luck TMW, now practice makes perfect. I'm off to erm, powder my nose........ :?
 

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