Do my wedding pome


Book Reviewer
Those few of you who know and love me will know that I am to be wed some time between now and Christmas. For the second time.

The first one worked OK, but when it came on top, a full Police and Fire Brigade investigation proved I was nowhere near that cottage when it went up. So lets not dwell upon the fucking past, eh?

What I require now is a poem what I can say when I snare the current main squeeze... sorry, when we join our estates... shit... when I marry the girl I love.

Right, heres the best I've come up with so far..

Hem hem...

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some cunt got Jordan
But I got you"

Hard to imagine improving on that, but any help will be gratefully recieved.
When we touch, its like the spark of electricity,
Even if when doing anal, your bottom is a bit shitty,
When I tell you Im shopping, im shagging a young laddy,
Even if, I'd rather be touching Maddy.

Have I got the beginings of something there?
Sorry I misread the title, I thought it said 'Do my wedding porn'.

I'm not very poetic, but I'm a dab hand with a video camera.

How about:

Her eyes they shone like diamonds
I'd swear she's the queen of the land
She fucked off with the house with some other bloke
and all I've got left is my hand!

By the way you should listen very carefully to what the vicar says.

"Do you Blah Blah Blah take this woman Blah Blah Blah to be your awful dreaded wife?

Just say No!
Reds are red,
Violets are blue.
I like spaghetti,
Suck me cock.
There was a young man nicknamed 'Duke
Who was happy to p1ss and to puke
From a night with the lads
But now She's got his nads
He'll have to make do with with a Fuke
Try this one:

When I was Young and Ignorant

When I was young and ignorant I loved a Miss McDougall,
Our days were spent in happiness, although our means were frugal;
We did not sigh for worldly wealth, for vain and tawdry treasures,
We were a simple country pair with simple country pleasures.
Beneath the village chestnut-tree it was our joy to meet once;
We used to tread the dewy fields with wonder-waking feet once;
We wandered once in leafy lanes and walked in Woodlands shady;
But now she's gone to Birmingham to be a Bearded Lady

I loved her as I loved my life when I was young and tender,
And happily our time was spent although our means were slender.
We used to pass the golden days in countrified pursuits once;
We walked through simple country bogs in simple country boots once.
High hopes of happiness I had, but now my hopes are zero,
Alas! My love has left me now to carve her own career O;
Not all the hopes of her I had of her are worth a maravedi;
My love has gone to Birmingham to be a Bearded Lady.

My love now dwells in circus halls with clowns and tight-rope dancers,
Where dromedaries play bassoons and sea-lions do the lancers;
She moves amongst trick-bicyclists, buffoons and comic waiters,
With elephants and acrobats and prestidigitators.
No longer daily by my side she wanders through the hay now,
The glamour of the public eye has lured are far away now.
Remorseless Fates, my tender hopes how cruelly betrayed ye!
My love has gone to Birmingham to be a Bearded Lady.

When I was young and ignorant I loved a Miss McDougall;
But that was e'er she heard the call of Fame's imperious bugle.
I thought her kind as she was fair, but I was green and calfish;
My love, though brighter than a star, was colder than a starfish.
High hopes of happiness I had when I was young and tender;
But time and tide have falsified my juvenile agenda.
Farewell, my castle is in the air! Phantasmal mansions, fade ye!
My love has gone to Birmingham to be a Bearded Lady.

-- Patrick Barrington
God's Curse (pt.1)

marriage is a prison
from which theres no escape
there is no door
windows are covered by drapes

marriage is a hell
living with a devil for all eternity
nothing but darkness
cannot find quiet serenity

marriage steals your life
takes away your soul
kills your spirit
buries you in a deep dark hole

marriage is Gods curse
its worse than living
compared to this thing called marriage
death is more forgiving

Sandy Nobody
Your a female version of Private Pile
Sh1t tits, bad haircut, no style
Fcuk knows why I'm marrying you
when I struggle carrying you
You'll have to be wheel barrowed up the aisle

An army bride you are soon to be
Once wed I'll nail you to a tree
attention for my c0ck
doing it to get out the block
get pregnant I'll force you to miscarry
Marriage that last
These day are hard to find
So here are some simple rules
To ensure ours will be fine

It must learn to look after its skin
As soon it will be mine
So it must rub the lotion on its skin
To ensure it feels divine

So it goes and get a tan
It must do this quiet soon
As pale and pasty garments
For me just will not do
For the Taking

When I first saw her.
She took my breath away.
She smiled at me,
And left me speechless.

When I last saw her.
She took my child away.
She smiled at me,
And left me homeless.

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