Do I have worms?

#1
I have just signed on to your splendid forums after many months of lurking and sniggering, so hello to you all.

Anyway, my predicament is as follows:

I am now living in sunnier climes and was just settling in to the local brew one night in my pit, when I felt a huge overwhelming scratch in my bum.

I dug in and gave it an old scrape whilst watching Discovery channel and it eventually went away for a few days.

Now it’s back with a vengeance and keeps me awake at night whistling between my teeth whilst praying I had an angle grinder handy with a wire brush edge.

My missus reckons I have either been stung by a local beastie or I have worms. She offered to take a look, but I declined as I am rather shy.

In any event she wants to shove mashed up garlic up my hoop as apparently it is a local cure which will cure all my ills.

Any advice on what I should do?
 
#5
Chamber brush should do the job nicely! :lol:

Edit for mongness....
 
#6
Are you sh1tting blood? when my cat had worms it sh1t blood.

Probably poor hygiene, wash your arrse with a soapy sponge in the shower, rather than having an quick dhobi once a week in the sink.
 
#7
Get naked, stick a piece of 2m bog roll between your arrse, set fire to it and run round the house for while. Let it completely burn all the way up if that doesn't clear it, the pain from a burnt arrsehole will take your mind off the itching.

ZXR
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#8
Bandalong said:
She offered to take a look, but I declined as I am rather shy.
You obviously have the Jakarta Jaxie Worm. Its an itch, till it spreads to your brain. And eats it.

Lets see....

Your Missus offered to poke about around your wormy bottom and you declined? First mistake. You could have done swapsies with her.

I think I see your problem, and fortunately some of my associates may be able to help... *Linky*

Hey, de nada. Anything else, just ask.
 
#11
Stop watching the discovery channel its giving you ideas. After reading this my arrse has started to itch as well. And I've just been watching same said channel. Wonder if its a recognised disorder.
 
#12
brucewillis said:
Stop watching the discovery channel its giving you ideas. After reading this my arrse has started to itch as well. And I've just been watching same said channel. Wonder if its a recognised disorder.
Not guilty! I'm watching liverpool beat chelsea!
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#13
The Amstrad arrse whisk puts paid to 95% of known worms.

 
#14
Get naked, stick a piece of 2m bog roll between your arrse, set fire to it and run round the house for while. Let it completely burn all the way up if that doesn't clear it, the pain from a burnt arrsehole will take your mind off the itching.

ZXR
Surely that is sport not a cure?
 
#15
Bandalong said:
Get naked, stick a piece of 2m bog roll between your arrse, set fire to it and run round the house for while. Let it completely burn all the way up if that doesn't clear it, the pain from a burnt arrsehole will take your mind off the itching.

ZXR
Surely that is sport not a cure?
So long as you have fun in the process who cares. :D


ZXR
 
#16
Your Missus offered to poke about around your wormy bottom and you declined? First mistake. You could have done swapsies with her
Im not that pissed!

Edit : Actually i am but silly cow is asleep now (I love her really, mother of my sons and all that).
 
#18
Possibly.

Threadworms, I'd guess, if not some more exotic parasite. The most awful itch of the tea towel holder known to man, or woman. Go google. Little white things about 1 cm long. They emerge at night and writhe around until you scratch the offending itch in your sleep. Once on the hands, the eggs get re-ingested.

Very easily acquired. The eggs are minute and can be picked up on the hands in most toilets if, for example, you touch the door handle after some dirty cnut has failed to wash their hands, or the taps after some cleaner cnut has washed their hands. Many school kids have them (25% or 30%, ISTR) and once one child is infested, the rest of the family get them.

Easily treated with some pills from the chemists, Ovex. All the family take them. Once you've met Mr. Threadworm, you become very meticulous about washing hands after visting the bog.
 
#20
Cheers Onetap,

Just what I reckoned, reference the worms.

So you think the crushed up garlic up my trumpet is a no no?

Missus (God bless her) is insistent, but I always reckoned she was a perv fresh from the kampong.
 

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