DIY King of ARRSE

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by MrPVRd, May 25, 2008.

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  1. Who is the DIY king of ARRSE?

    Rules for DIY King:

    1. Amateurs only - no "trade".
    2. Only one's own work.
    3. Can't think of any more.

    My humble claim - in the last 2 years I have:

    Drained a pond, refilled it to create a lawn
    Installed glass blocks as an internal window (replacing a fish tank!)
    Erected a garden shed
    Laid a laminate floor
    Created an external wall rack for 2 kayaks using eye bolts and nylon rope
    Replaced upstairs floorboards
    Put up, taken down, and replaced bookshelves (perfectionist)
    Replaced a Yale lock
    Laid slabs (not that many)
    Erected a lattice fence and gate (as a child cage)
    Pruned back trees and replanted shrubbery
    Cleared a blocked drain (with drain rods and lots of brown stuff)

    That doesn't include repainting and wallpapering 2 rooms and a hallway and repainting 2 more.
     
  2. My wife painted the whole house. 2 coats, no magnolia.
     
  3. I've done the ones in bold and many others that i cant remember, gives you a real sense of satisfaction 8) The laminate flooring was a proper cnut mind you, treated myself to copius ales after that little escapade. Im trying to deter a mangy fcuking cat from attacking my yearly nesting bluetits at the moment, any ideas anyone?? (aside from shooting, garroting, poisoning, lynching etc :twisted: )
     
  4. Sympathetic_Reaction

    Sympathetic_Reaction LE Book Reviewer

    You asked.

    in the last 2 years I have:

    In my house:

    Re-wired the house.
    Re-plumbed the house
    Ripped out the kitchen
    Layed underfloor heating under a slate tile floor
    Re-fitted kitchen
    Ripped out bathroom
    Re-fitted bathroom (bath, shower, sink, toilet, laminate floor)
    Plastered 4 rooms and re-painted.
    Built a raised bed veg garden
    Layed carpet in 2 rooms
    Built a built-in wardrobe

    In other peoples houses:

    2 rooms of laminate flooring
    Papered 2 rooms
    added general security features
    hand rails for the grandmother
    new light units in 3 rooms

    Still have 3 rooms to do, outside of house to paint, fence to build, gutters to replace and the utility room to finish off.

    to be perfectly honest i'm running out of steam and probably going to pay someone to some of it.

    S_R
     
  5. The best part of the job....once the tools are away, sitting inside or outside with a beer and admiring the work...the smell of sawdust, paint, new stuff....ahhh!

    Second only to barbecuing as an outlet for manliness, followed perhaps by fishing or putting up a tent.
     
  6. Fcuk it, im off to find some jobs to do!!! :D :D :headbang:
     
  7. Right, here goes... at my Mum's house....
    Repaired flooring joists (Wet rot)
    Lam Flooring x 4 rooms
    Real flooring x1 (planks run the whole length of the room with out any brakes - looks amazing).
    Skirting boards x3 rooms
    Non slip rubber flooring in the bathroom.
    Hung 6x internal doors + Fittings
    Hung 1x 2" thick solid front door + Locks and door knocker and handle.
    Fitted new light switches x6
    New light fittings x6
    Cooker hood
    Sink
    Custom Kitchen.
    Resculptured her garden (split level with retaining walls).
    Decking
    Moded the front room fire place.
    Knocked down out side loo (used rubble for split level garden).
    Chopped down a tree.
    Plus putting up shelves, painting etc and other easy stuff.
     
  8. Since I arrived at my new quarter 9 months ago I have:

    erected numerous floor to ceiling shelving units around the house from recycled timber;

    Installed German satellite television for 'er indoors;

    Altered all the plugs on my electrical appliances to UK ones;

    created an office workspace in the alcove under the stairs;

    erected a garden shed (after laying a concrete foundation underneath);

    created a safe walkway and storage area throughout the attic, using the old style wooden MFO boxes;

    recovered 4 dining room chairs with leatherette material;

    successfully shaped three bushes at the front of my house with shears (topiary);

    Laid a patio of 24 x 600mm square slabs, all the more remarkable for the fact that my garden appears to contain a buried version of Alton Towers;

    dug out an old concrete washing line, including it's foundations, and laid turf over it which I removed from the patio area;

    removed 1/3 of the old concrete path up the side of my garden with a lump hammer, to make space for the patio;

    erected a gazebo above the patio;

    made a concrete foundation for a rotary washing line, which is now completely invisible after I refitted the turf around the surface;

    'borrowed' four large rose trees from a derelict street in my camp when I first arrived, and planted them around the garden. They are just coming into bloom now;

    built a birdhouse from old scrap timber and framing, and mounted it to the top of the aforementioned concrete washing line post (didn't exactly plan ahead there, did I?);

    dug two drain trees out of the drains at the front of my house (after f*cking MHS refused to);

    sanded and repainted several door frames and skirting boards, (they were as rough and lumpy as Carlos Tevez's neck);

    put together several flat plack furniture items from Ikea, including two bookcases (one of which is wall mounted horizontally) a TV stand, a chest of drawers and a baby's cot bed;

    only yesterday, built a small box for wood storage for my firepit, and chopped up all remaining wood I had lying around to put inside it.



    I'd like to put my feet up and have a beer on my new patio, but it won't stop raining :(

    edited to add; I think I would have been far more adventurous if it were my own house, and not DHE.
     
  9. Trans-sane

    Trans-sane LE Book Reviewer

    Laminate is pretty easy AFTER you have seen a professional do it. They completely ignore the instructions on click lock laminate as a complete fiction.

    My best is laying a solid oak floor, finishing and laccering. Got a very manly injury while doing it as well. YOu have to use a cross nailer tool that puts the nails in at 45 degrees through the tongue of the board. You need to hit said tool with a BIG 2Kg hammer. Swinging one of them for a whole morning you get a bit tired. And sloppy. I hit my shin, did a back flip and ended up with a swelling the size of a fricking rugby ball.

    I'm also a dab hand at tiling. No job too big or small, and I may start giving out quotes to fellow arrsers.
     
  10. In order to find the ARRSE DIY king, it might be an idea to compare the completed tasks to the equivalent cost if done by a professional. For example, I installed German satellite TV, which, if done by a satellite engineer, would probably cost upwards of £80.

    I probably won't be crowned king but I don't care, saving a small fortune like I have is reward in itself.
     
  11. MrPVRd has caused a domestic rift in this household, Reading the extensive list of his DIY endevors, SWMBO has instructed me to list mine,
    1, Nothing
    2, more nothing
    3, extensive more nothing
    and long may it continue.......
     
  12. This is going back 18 years (when I could be bothered):

    Wife was pregnant with 2nd sprog and due to drop within days when she demanded a new kitchen. So packed her off to stay with family and set to work, aided by my bro-in-law. He had recently come out of the Coldstreams after 22 years, so can't be considered to be providing any technical expertise, but was extremely good at holding heavy things against the wall while I screwed them on.

    The first task was to strip out the old stuff. Bro-in-law was very useful here, but had to be very carefully supervised. Think of "couldn't go over it, couldn't go round it, couldn't go under it, had to go THROUGH it." It led to a bit of additional plastering that I hadn't anticipated, but hey, you don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

    Next, measure up the room and decide what units to put where. It's a small room, so no wasted space was allowed. The revelation from this was that I couldn't use off-the-shelf units. Wall cabinets had to be 4" or so higher than standard, floor cabinets had to be 2" or so wider than standard, there was an awkward space left over about 350mm wide which ended up being a set of drawers.

    Cupboard shelves were installed at custom heights. Hence trips to the supermarket to measure various groceries. The shelf height for the cereals was based on a 500g box of Kelloggs Cornflakes plus 25mm. (I was gutted when they brought out the 750g box). The tin cupboard was designed on three tins of tomato soup high plus 75mm.

    Electrical sockets were in the wrong place and had to be moved, the plumbing for the sink had to be shifted, telephone cables re-routed, the lighting had to be changed. Work tops were to be fitted against each wall, which I subsequently found weren't straight and had to have the plaster (and somethimes blockwork) chased out to make things work.

    I'd allowed myself just a week to get everything done, including the laying of lino. Things were going to be tight, especially as all the materials had to be sourced and bought within this time frame.

    Being a considerate sort of bloke, I established a rule that I wouldn't disturb the neighbours as they had young kids and the bloke started work at 5am. So, no loud noise before 08:30 or after 19:00, virtual silence before 07:30 or after 22:00. That still left nine and a half hours per day when I could be screwing things together, cutting lino, installing cables and so on.

    Knowing that bro-in-law would be lost without a fixed routine, I published Part One Orders.

    06:30 Reveille
    07:00 Breakfast
    07:30 Start work
    10:00 NAAFI break
    12:30 Lunch
    16:30 Evening meal
    19:00 Beer (while working quietly)
    22:00 Coffee (liberally laced with rum) (while working silently, replenished every hour)
    02:00 Cease works

    Cooking was done on a gas stove in the garden - by me, as bro-in-law's only experience of cooking was heating compo.

    At the appointed time all was complete less the wall tiling (the tiles had been ordered but hadn't arrived in time, so had to make do with a temporary paint job) and the iron-on laminate strips for the edges of the doors (don't know how I came to miss these off).

    Bro-in-law was knackered but very happy. He now had an idea of how to do DIY (resulting in many unfinished projects that had to be corrected at great expense by professionals). Whenever I offer him a coffee, he still has that certain gleam in his eye, remembering the half-coffee/half rum combination that kept us focussed(?) during the early hours.

    18 years on, the work tops are holding up well, the wall cupboards remain attached to the walls, the floor cupboards still support my weight, the one-and-a-half-basin sink with monobloc mixer tap doesn't leak and nobody's been electrocuted.

    The lino has had to be replaced and the iron-on laminate edging for the doors is STILL in the garage :oops:

    The garden needs to be sorted now. It's a project that started about ten years ago and hasn't really progressed very far. The shed base is down (unfortunately the shed that it was built for isn't made any more and no other shed currently available will fit it) and the bottom four courses of the brick walls have been laid - I can't go any further with them until I make my mind up about what to put up against them.

    I suppose the real truth is that DIY has lost it's fun - I now actively pursue a regime of reactive maintenance.
     
  13. So true, all my DIY has been reactive in the last few years:

    80M of fence
    Reduild Gearbox for BMW
    New wing, discs, springs on VW
    New roof
    New garage door
    Re-paper hallway
    New drain cover in driveway
    Numerous childrens bicycles repaired

    the list will never end until I'm too old, or my son decides to take up DIY or become a builder :roll:
    That said, I enjoy DIY but can never seem to get past the first beer :wink: