Divorce - any experiences?

Discussion in 'Charities and Welfare' started by mephisto, Oct 6, 2007.

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  1. This is not a plea for sympathy, it's just the way things have turned out.

    My wife is going to sue for divorce. We've been separated for a while now as some of you know but she's finally had enough and wants to make it official. I mean, it was nice of her to warn me, it would have been awful to just get a letter about it. I said 'fine' (wasn't sure what else to say).

    There seem to be three main problems :

    One is my total inability to say I love her - this is post-PTSD, I can't seem to say anything which involves emotion with any genuine-sounding tone any more (it's not that I don't feel it).

    The other is my erratic behaviour. Can't blame her for this. She's absolutely right.

    Finally, my obsession with my ex-job does her head in. I am obsessed with it, with what happened and with things which she thinks I should have moved on from.

    The stupid thing is that there's not been anyone else (for me, don't think there has for her but I could be wrong) and it's me who's fucked this up. She's worried about the kids and I don't blame her for that either. She's never refused me access and I always dutifully turn up when I've been offered access, never, ever missed (apart from a period of about three months when I was not quite right in the head and, even then, I stayed away BECAUSE I didn't want to damage the kids emotionally etc.)

    I'm seriously worried about this access thing if the divorce goes ahead. With my mental health record I look like the worst father in history (on paper) or, at the very least, I look like someone who might, potentially, be a problem.

    Has anyone else been through this? I'm dealing with the practicalities better now, getting out and running, doing a few social things etc. I haven't got a personal lawyer yet as I haven't received any papers. But it all scares the shit out of me.

    Any advice from anyone?

    [Just edited to say thanks to those people who've pmed me with really helpful information - I'm doing ok with it but really appreciate those who've had experience (unfortunately for them) and who've taken the time to pm me with advice - thanks.]
  2. Can't give you any advice mate. But I hope everything works out for you in the end.

  3. Kill her.

    Have you tried AWS?
  4. Schaden

    Schaden LE Book Reviewer

    Mine turned out quite well....course I did have to move to another continent first...
  5. Check PMs meph xx
  6. Had 3 divorces when I was in the Army (coincidence?) and fortunately for me all went smoothly.

    No kids involved with any of them so no financial commitments arranged.

    I wish you luck fella but seems your missus is on your side re kids visits etc and unless she was to kick up a fuss I doubt anyone else would interfere.
  7. Your first concern should be for your kids (as it clearly is) but you can't be a good father in the long term until you get your own head right.
    Do whatever you have to do to fix yourself up. Get professional help and accept that these things take time. If you can stay away from booze and drugs thats a huge plus.
    Your wife may or may not be serious about divorcing you. Get the best lawyer you can afford and listen to what he tells you. There might yet be hope for your marriage or it might be that you need time as a single man again. Unless your wife is exceptionally vindictive or very frightened there is no reason why you will be denied access to your kids. Whatever situation occurs; take it a day at a time and make the best of each day.
    Be positive and keep things in perspective - it's only life.
    If you can maintain a sense of humour you have already won half the battle. If you continue to put the effort in you will find that time is a great healer - this is not just an old cliche. You will never be entirely your old self again but maybe you can build a new self.
    I hope it works out for you.
  8. Thanks for the replies, and also thanks to those people who pmed me. One person particularly helped me out by outlining some safeguards I could put in place.

    I don't see any reason for my wife to be vindictive, she certainly hasn't been so far. I just worry about some lawyer getting involved and making things worse!

    In many ways, I think she's totally right to pursue a divorce. We've grown apart in so many ways, my main concern is that I manage to maintain good access to our children (and, obviously, I'd also like to have a good relationship with my wife).

    As far as my PTSD is concerned, I'm a great deal better now than I was and so, hopefully, this will count in my favour. Not saying that I'm always fine, but I'm certainly better than I was.

    Thanks again for the replies.
  9. Your wife should be more understanding she knew what job you did when you married her .

    Joining the army is not like having your tooth out you have seen things that your wife etc will never see in a life time ,So it is totally wrong of her to think of you in this way saying your obsession with your ex-job does her head in. civilian life and army life is totally different and it is much harder for a soldier to adapt to civilian than a soldiers family .

    You both have parental responsibilty and even if you have mental health problems she cant stop you seeing your children ,And even if she does kids being kids when they get older will start questioning your wife and there is no point her lying about anything because kids find the truth out in then end any way .

    Years ago when soldiers had p.t.s.d. they never received the help that soldiers do today and people never understood what p.t.s.d. was but now things are a lot more out in the open people have a great respect for people like your self with these kind of problems .

    You say she is worried about your children ,But i know soldiers with p.t.s.d. would never harm there children intentionally anyway .
    An i was under the understanding you married for better or worse and you work through your problems no matter what .

    If she does have a new boyfriend shake his hand and say good luck to them both .

    As long as you pay maintence and vist them on a regular basis your kids will love you no matter what .

    You need to have a positive attitude ,Wait for the documents to come through then go and see a specialist lawyer who specializes in divorce ,Taking in to account ex military and medical problems from your service with in the armed forces .

    There is also organisations out there which the users on this site who can give you lots of advise regarding with the practicalities better now, getting out and running, doing a few social things etc.

    Good Luck and hope everything works out o.k.
  10. Thanks bluediamond but I honestly couldn't describe my wife as someone who just ran off the moment there was a problem. We went through a lot (both of us) and it's always easier to say what you would do when you're not in that situation than it is to actually be in it. No-one ever really knows how couples relate behind closed doors and, in many ways, I think she's totally right about this. It's not the outcome either of us particularly wanted but I think there comes a time when you have to look at moving forward and maybe we can BOTH do that better apart.

    I absolutely do not believe she would purposefully try to hinder my access to the children. My only real worry is what a lawyer might try to persaude her to do. However, I had a remarkably helpful pm from a forum member on here today and now have an idea which hopefully will mean we can sit down and set out some ground rules before the greedy solicitors get their mits on either of us.

  11. :eek: Thanks TLF, I thought the post was a bit odd but didn't like to be rude! Cheers for that.
  12. Lessons learned for me. If we had done this at the outset I would have saved quite a significant sum of money. Solicitors are evil scum intent on lining their own pockets. Try to go to them with a solution to be formalised legally, if you can. The more you can sort out between you the better.

    Good luck BTW, and there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel!!
  13. Thanks and, yes, you're right. Thanks to an exceptionally helpful pm from a forum member suggesting that we both sorted out what we wanted/didn't want beforehand and a few other pointers, I had a meeting with her last night (my wife, not the forum member!) and we actually sat down and wrote out the things which we both wanted from a divorce. It just proved to me that, actually, we both really want the same things - mostly our concern is about the children but I also found out about some other concerns she has and was able to set out my concerns. We're going to think it over for a few days and then meet againg to finalise what we want to take to a lawyer. This definitely seems like the best option to me.

    I've had some really helpful pms from other members and it's helpful to hear about the experience's of others as it shows me that it certainly CAN be done in a reasonable manner if both parties want it that way.

    I think lawyers just have unending pockets and have absolutely no real concern about the two people concerned. Hopefully now we'll be able to get the lawyers to work for US and not the other way around.