Divorce and Leave Entitlement

Discussion in 'The Other Half' started by Horridlittleman, Mar 14, 2006.

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  1. I am in the process of getting divorced from my wife. We have kids and I am trying to be reasonable about how long I should take my boys. I feel that 4 out of 6 weeks of my annual entitlement is plenty of time, as this would also allow me to have some time for myself, outside of work! My ex seems to think that I should take them for the whole 6 weeks. I also have them every other weekend. Is it my ex or me who is being unreasonable?
  2. Reckon to start with you should be askin your children, what they would like to do.
    But you should be allowed to have a life too. Although when you had children they were your life so perhaps they should be included in any 'free' time you have. If you would have stayed married, you would have had to still look after them!
    Your'e not free from commitment just because your are, or getting a divorce from the missus, don't forget the kids, they are still yours. With respect.
  3. Just to clarify on this one - she chose to leave me. If we'd stayed married then yes, the boys and my wife would be my life and I would be spending all of my leave and weekends with them. But I still need time to allow my life to continue. I think that my ex is taking the pi$$ by expecting me to use all of my leave with the boys - mainly because that means she gets 6 weeks to what on earth she wants while I would get none!
  4. I presume you will still see them at weekends etc?

    If so then she is taking the pi.ss mate. 4 out of 6 weeks is fine along with weekend contact.

    Perhaps you should suggest that you dont pay any maintenance for those 6 weeks and then she what she says
  5. Hlm, I guess you are getting every other weekend to yourself and she has them during the week, every week apart from 6 (she hopes) - I'm guessing that is the way she sees it - at the moment.

    May I make a suggestion?! Please feel free to disregard it! Whilst you are both in the angry phase of negotiating, not everything will make sense or seem fair. As Beemer alluded to, perhaps the default measure should be what's best for the children - for the moment.

    As time goes on, agreements can change and be re-negotiated. You may well find that you having the kids for 6 weeks will have to be re-negotiated because where you are serving might not be where the kids are, the 6 weeks may not fall neatly into the school holidays and so on and so forth. I suspect that if she didn't see them for more than 3 weeks she would miss them so much she would regret insisting you having them for that long.

    In addition, one or both of you are likely to meet other people and that agreement may not be suitable for either of you in a couple of years time.

    So, for now, why don't you agree to the 6 weeks on the understanding that if and when it becomes necessary, both of you must agree to discuss the situation again (you might up enjoying it so much you don't want it to change! Who knows)

    My ex and I have the kids every other weekend and for half the holidays each. He's remarried, I haven't but run my own business and it seems to work pretty well for all of us. Good luck.
  6. Just watch you don't get taken for a ride! I'd say that what you've suggested sounds fine, as you say, your own life has to go on.
    I know a guy who got suckered into agreeing to taking his kids EVERY weekend, now the poor sap has got no time for anything!

    I got divorced a year ago, and have my kids every second weekend, + one weekday every other week, and three weeks holiday. I can see my kids, AND I've got enough time for a social life.

    How much of HER holiday will your ex be spending with the kids?
  7. Bad CO

    Bad CO LE Admin Reviews Editor Gallery Guru

    I've just wasted 5 mins of my leave cleaning this thread up after it was dragged off topic by all the 'usual suspects.' I'm only going to say this once - if you want to abuse each other then go to the NAAFI.
  8. Horridlittleman,

    Does yr ex work? Are you located near each other? Are you due posting? How old are your kids? Obviously these are key factors that make answering your original question a little difficult. Everybody needs to make their own decision based on their circumstances, their kids' needs and their own needs. I don't think that either of you is necessarily being unreasonable, you just have to keep talking to each other like adults and work out what is best for all concerned.

    For me? I was gagging to see and care for my kids as much as I possibly could - and if that meant I could spend all 6 weeks of my leave with them that was fab! That WAS 'my own life'! Having your own life is more than holidaying, motorbike touring, going on the piss, or being up to yr nuts in guts all the time (and forgive me if I seem to be making unwarranted accusations, but that's what I'd love to be doing if I had no kids ;-)). All parents have to make a compromise in their lives because they have children. Make the most of it while they're still kids and look forward to a more selfish life when they're grown up. At the moment you get every other weekend and most weekday evenings to pursue your own life.

    When I divorced I was lucky. When my ex and I split we carefully chose properties that were near enough to each other that we could have the kids throughout alternate weeks. One week at mum's house, one week at dad's house, same for weekends. We picked school, childminder and Dr Practice that were equidistant from our homes, so the admin was easy. From a personal perspective it was excellent. On alternate weeks I was dad then singly, able to eat my cake and have it too!

    Then I got posted overseas! The kids wanted to come with me, so they have. I now have them full time and my ex is in what sounds like your situation. I know she has limited leave available to her, but I offer her the kids for as much of the school hols as she wants them for. Yes, for me it will be a relief from the day in day out, week in week out, hard work of being a single parent. I'll make the most of having some time to myself (and my girlfriend), but if the ex didn't want to have them I'd be perfectly happy to have them at home with me. They're part of me and my life. (Incidentally, I've explained this to a couple of girlfriends in the past along the lines of,"I come with 2 kids and they will always take priority over a girlfriend - stay or go, but never try to make me choose because there will only be one answer." Their reactions have always been positive and my current gf is fantastic about it.)

    My personal advice to you would be to have them for as much as your ex is prepared to let you have them. These years in their lives will fly by and you can never bring them back. Likewise, you ex's attitude may change at some point in the future and she may not be as keen to let you have them at all! Take what is on offer now and savour it! Good luck mate.

  9. I doubt she'd say anything, but I imagine the CSA would?
  10. O h you had to mention the CSA!!

    HLM, your suggestion sounded fair to me. There have been some good points already posted from both "perspectives". IMO this is one you need to work out with your ex, when communications allow. Don't forget that through all this, the only ones to really suffer will be the kids.
  11. The CSA would assess me on the number of day's that I had the kids through the year. However at the moment we have an agreed amount that I pay, if I were to have the kids for a substantial period (2 weeks or so) then I would reduce the payment accordingly.
  12. Thankyou all for your opinions and advice. It is appreciated, and certainly helps to see both sides of the argument. I wholeheartedly agree that my kids come first through all of this.

    Now the fun part comes with trying to discuss things with my ex! Something which could become quite interesting as we currently get on well but only because we're seperated :D
  13. as skid986 said - get every minute you can with them.

    I say that as someone who didnt see my kids for 6 months, and who had to fight tooth and nail through the courts.

    I now double up my annual leave with unpaid leave and have half the school holidays, including a full four weeks in the summer hols, and every third weekend, and thats when they live 230 miles away!
    - I was VERY lucky to get that, and I think my commitment to taking time off work etc. paid a big part in the CAFCASS report letting me see them, as mum wanted supervised contact on weekends only aat a contact centre.

    no good reason of course, just trying to tippex me out of her history. Three years later - I hope she dies of cancer, and would happily slot her tomorrow if I thought there was a chance of getting away with it.

    If she's willing to let you have them for 6 weeks, bite her hand off.

    Also, with the weekends - try ang work it so you get them from friday night, and drop them at school on monday morning - and get everything agreed in writing NOW while its reasonably amicable.

    You'll appreciate the advice when the CSA appear on the scene, as it all works on how many nights you have per year.

    Remember that at some time in the future the kids will be able to make their own mind up about what happened, and where they want to live - whatever you do make sure that they know that your door will always be open for them - as sure as eggs is eggs, when mum gets a new boyfriend the kids will feel pushed out and as if they dont get any attention off her any more - thats when they are going to need you most.

    Good luck, remember that in fifteen years time you'll look back, and you need to be able to say that you did Everything you possibly could to support them and be there for them - thats what being a dad is all about!


  14. Just to make it absolutley clear, this is wrong, its the number of NIGHTS that you have that matters - hence the friday evening till monday morning comment - and if you get this in place now, before she realises thats the CSA rule it will really help you when they do get involved - and you bet they will at some point!

  15. Cheers Labrat, obviously posted my last as you were drafting yours. I'm sorry to hear that your ex took the childish approach. And yes I am lucky in so far as my access goes. Good luck with your little (or not) monsters.