Distinctly unimpressed with the other half!

#1
Ok....here's the scenario. I am running a bit late this morning. Slack drills, didn't have any pressed uniform. Grab the iron and ironing board, CS95 onto board, start ironing away. Most of the way through, when I realise what the funny smell is.....

Mrs I, yesterday visited Sainsburys and bought herself some fancy ironing water. Jasmin with hint of lychee! Sticks it in the iron, and says nothing!

FFS I didn't have time to find anything else. Have had to go out with said CS95 smelling distinctly poofterised! Hardly a steely eyed killer smell is it? What the lads are going to say when the realise what the fcuking smell is and who it's coming from I just don't know! I just know it's gonna take months to get the smell out of the iron anyway. I might have to buy a his and hers iron after this just to be able to retain any sort of credibility (if I had any in the first place!).

I cannot belive that I am the only one that has been stiffed by his other half at the last moment, and had to go out looking/feeling or in this case smelling a cnut!

Or am I the only one brave enough to come clean?
 
#3
Infiltrator said:
Ok....here's the scenario. I am running a bit late this morning. Slack drills, didn't have any pressed uniform. Grab the iron and ironing board, CS95 onto board, start ironing away. Most of the way through, when I realise what the funny smell is.....

Mrs I, yesterday visited Sainsburys and bought herself some fancy ironing water. Jasmin with hint of lychee! Sticks it in the iron, and says nothing!

FFS I didn't have time to find anything else. Have had to go out with said CS95 smelling distinctly poofterised! Hardly a steely eyed killer smell is it? What the lads are going to say when the realise what the fcuking smell is and who it's coming from I just don't know! I just know it's gonna take months to get the smell out of the iron anyway. I might have to buy a his and hers iron after this just to be able to retain any sort of credibility (if I had any in the first place!).

I cannot belive that I am the only one that has been stiffed by his other half at the last moment, and had to go out looking/feeling or in this case smelling a cnut!

Or am I the only one brave enough to come clean?
Not the only one, but any detecters of it, just tell em they should recognise the smell as it's their mrs perfume and she's not half a bad shag! Works for me!
 
#4
discodan said:
dont worry its friday you can urine yerself in a bit to take the stench out :)
Better yet, should have lagged in the iron then continued using it.
 
#5
I too am subjected to the smelly ironing water plauge that is gripping the country, Comfort vapouresse, the pink one :-( and i have no other choice but to use it on pain of death
 
#6
Personally I don't let Mrs Barclays any where near my ironing - at least if I look like I've robbed my C95 off a local tramp then it's my own fault. It is definitely a bit cheeky to chuck perfume in the iron so you should find some suitable punishment or revenge. Why not have a Sherman tank in her favourite shoes ? But don't let the kids spot you half way through though since it takes a fair bit of explaining ... apparently.
 
#7
Barclays_Banker said:
Personally I don't let Mrs Barclays any where near my ironing - at least if I look like I've robbed my C95 off a local tramp then it's my own fault. It is definitely a bit cheeky to chuck perfume in the iron so you should find some suitable punishment or revenge. Why not have a Sherman tank in her favourite shoes ? But don't let the kids spot you half way through though since it takes a fair bit of explaining ... apparently.
i find a good, long, sh1t in the handbag always works as payback :twisted:
 
#8
skiff her toothbrush
 
#9
Perfumed ironing water? 8O
"Jasmine with a hint of lychee"?? Sounds more like a woofter cocktail. Incidently how were you able to identify said eau de shirtlift?

Couple of other questions...

What was your missus doing off the chain?
Why have you not already lamped her in the grid with said iron rhythymically chanting "DON'T *whack* TOUCH *whack* MY *whack* IRON *whack* AGAIN *whack* WOMAN!"?
 
#10
Infiltrator said:
Ok....here's the scenario. I am running a bit late this morning. Slack drills, didn't have any pressed uniform. Grab the iron and ironing board, CS95 onto board, start ironing away. Most of the way through, when I realise what the funny smell is.....

Mrs I, yesterday visited Sainsburys and bought herself some fancy ironing water. Jasmin with hint of lychee! Sticks it in the iron, and says nothing!

FFS I didn't have time to find anything else. Have had to go out with said CS95 smelling distinctly poofterised! Hardly a steely eyed killer smell is it? What the lads are going to say when the realise what the fcuking smell is and who it's coming from I just don't know! I just know it's gonna take months to get the smell out of the iron anyway. I might have to buy a his and hers iron after this just to be able to retain any sort of credibility (if I had any in the first place!).

I cannot belive that I am the only one that has been stiffed by his other half at the last moment, and had to go out looking/feeling or in this case smelling a cnut!

Or am I the only one brave enough to come clean?
Knowing you as I do, I compliment your wife on her getting in the mince water. Your tap water antics, combined with the size of your CS95 shirt are the single biggest reason for the current drought order in the London area. Be socially responsible and do what all the other Blue Jobs do to protect the environment, and don't bother ironing your kit at all.
 
#11
mizkrissi said:
Perfumed ironing water? 8O
"Jasmine with a hint of lychee"?? Sounds more like a woofter cocktail. Incidently how were you able to identify said eau de shirtlift?

Couple of other questions...

What was your missus doing off the chain?
Why have you not already lamped her in the grid with said iron rhythymically chanting "DON'T *whack* TOUCH *whack* MY *whack* IRON *whack* AGAIN *whack* WOMAN!"?
I think you missed a couple of well timed F**KING *whacks out of there miz...........
 
#12
smudge5611 said:
mizkrissi said:
Perfumed ironing water? 8O
"Jasmine with a hint of lychee"?? Sounds more like a woofter cocktail. Incidently how were you able to identify said eau de shirtlift?

Couple of other questions...

What was your missus doing off the chain?
Why have you not already lamped her in the grid with said iron rhythymically chanting "DON'T *whack* TOUCH *whack* MY *whack* IRON *whack* AGAIN *whack* WOMAN!"?
I think you missed a couple of well timed F**KING *whacks out of there miz...........
Should have ended on a *whack* too...6/10, try harder, see me....*whack*
 
#13
I want to know why after 6 months of me being here, you have ironed your shirt for the first time then turned up to work looking like you have just been mugged?
You normally don’t bother to iron anything infact i would like to quote from one of our colleagues who wears "the Blue"

"I make a point of polishing my boots at least once a week"

and this is considered as keen in this place!
 
#14
hallveg said:
I want to know why after 6 months of me being here, you have ironed your shirt for the first time then turned up to work looking like you have just been mugged?
You normally don’t bother to iron anything infact i would like to quote from one of our colleagues who wears "the Blue"

"I make a point of polishing my boots at least once a week"

and this is considered as keen in this place!
Says the smartest soldier in NATO. You comb your hair with a Thunderflash and last week I honestly thought you were coming off nights, not coming on days.
 
#15
Infiltrator said:
I cannot belive that I am the only one that has been stiffed by his other half at the last moment, and had to go out looking/feeling or in this case smelling like a cnut.
But you said you smelt of jasmin and lychees, not Billingsgate Market... :D
 
#16
the_guru said:
hallveg said:
I want to know why after 6 months of me being here, you have ironed your shirt for the first time then turned up to work looking like you have just been mugged?
You normally don’t bother to iron anything infact i would like to quote from one of our colleagues who wears "the Blue"

"I make a point of polishing my boots at least once a week"

and this is considered as keen in this place!
Says the smartest soldier in NATO. You comb your hair with a Thunderflash and last week I honestly thought you were coming off nights, not coming on days.
Your just upset cos your a civvie, and when you were green you spent all your free time ironing in your rubber suit.
 
#17
You are un-smart in so many ways. You look like the Corps Dustman.
 
#18
Cuddles said:
smudge5611 said:
mizkrissi said:
Perfumed ironing water? 8O
"Jasmine with a hint of lychee"?? Sounds more like a woofter cocktail. Incidently how were you able to identify said eau de shirtlift?

Couple of other questions...

What was your missus doing off the chain?
Why have you not already lamped her in the grid with said iron rhythymically chanting "DON'T *whack* TOUCH *whack* MY *whack* IRON *whack* AGAIN *whack* WOMAN!"?
I think you missed a couple of well timed F**KING *whacks out of there miz...........
Should have ended on a *whack* too...6/10, try harder, see me....*whack*

Gentlemen. *rolls eyes*
I was allowing for the fact that said 'foussie-attard' no doubt has a limp and little girlish wrist and therefore wholesome, masculine activities such as properly lamping a wife with the aforementioned and forevermore tainted iron - complete with adequate quantities of swearing - would no doubt end instead in a distressing scene whereby he would mince off down the high street to have his broken nails repaired and require pin and plate to his carpals. Hence the reduced F content, complete lack of C content and insufficient use of force to encourage future obedience and an absence of recidivist behaviours in his wife. He has already shown a distressing lack of being the one whom wears the trousers in the relationship by divulging his wife went out shopping and purchased items without his express permission! She probably already has him peeing sitting down and using "male beauty products". Whatever next?!


Cuddles said:
....see me....*whack*
Chuntering again are we?

Ahllseeyewjiummiee wha' taryede'niunmahstree'getofmastreetyaweepieceoshiteori'llgi'ya aglasgewgankissyafekka
 
#19
See you? Yer mither's a Tory! Ah'll getafffayerstreetwinyezownaones, bawbag...keepthaheid noowezallhaddafewdrinkssobutdinnagetuppataemepalori'llclaimyesoahwull!

Are you dead (deid) to irony miskriissi??

Irony is not the thing the man was going to hit his missus with by the way...
 
#20
Infiltrator said:
Ok....here's the scenario. I am running a bit late this morning. Slack drills, didn't have any pressed uniform. Grab the iron and ironing board, CS95 onto board, start ironing away. Most of the way through, when I realise what the funny smell is.....

Mrs I, yesterday visited Sainsburys and bought herself some fancy ironing water. Jasmin with hint of lychee! Sticks it in the iron, and says nothing!

FFS I didn't have time to find anything else. Have had to go out with said CS95 smelling distinctly poofterised! Hardly a steely eyed killer smell is it? What the lads are going to say when the realise what the fcuking smell is and who it's coming from I just don't know! I just know it's gonna take months to get the smell out of the iron anyway. I might have to buy a his and hers iron after this just to be able to retain any sort of credibility (if I had any in the first place!).

I cannot belive that I am the only one that has been stiffed by his other half at the last moment, and had to go out looking/feeling or in this case smelling a cnut!

Or am I the only one brave enough to come clean?

Haha that's hilarious!! I bet she did it on purpose ha.
 
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