Dispatch from the Algarve- the Auld Slappers no deed

Boa tarde from the Algarve e muito desculpes for the lack of contact. Needless too say the AS master plan is no going quite the way we expected (quell suprise !) The hoose is finished ( ISH) but we´ve nae phone, leccy from a genny and an erratic water supply to say the least. Still, over budget, over time and over a nervous breakdown, we´re in and no having sh*te under the trees now. It´s a bit like living in a fallout shelter but, hey, it´s character developing.

We were going to make a bob or two from the oranges and lemons we grow, however, the hardest frosts in living memory have put the kybosh on that.

We spoke to a number of the jeep safari companies that pass the land and arranged for them to have access and use the river behind the dam for thier punters to swim in (it´s an old water mill we bought) I was going to flog them fresh fruit and cold drinks, however, the longest drought in generations has put the kybosh on that !! Me river looks like a gravel track and there´s no prospect of enough rain to fill it this year at least.

We had the oppertunity to speculate on some property and enlarge our portfolio. We went for a small cottage in a village near to where a new hotel and golf complex is to be built. We got it !!! The hotels not getting built now for another two years now and the cottage was probably an old hen hoose once ( and I don´t feckin care if old Jose brought his entire family up in it)

The property portfolio has increased however. I´ve now got two feckin lemons.

What with this and that I needed to go out to work so am now working on a building site. The cracks good, blokes are brill and my Portuguese is improving. The wages pay the bills but, an Algarvian building site is not place for a fat, unfit, over forty pish heed I can tell you.

There´s sometimes as I cry myself to sleep nursing my aching body I think WTF am I doing.
There´s sometimes as I´m nearly fainting with exhaustion on the blister end of a shovel I think WTF am I doing here.

Selling ups been an option during some of my darker moments....

..however, some days, when you´re driving the Land Rover to work through the valley and past the olive groves and fruit orchards, when the airs full of birdsong, the suns splitting the trees against the bluest of Algarvian blue skies, the local you´ve made friends with are waving and calling out greetings as you pass and the big V8´s rumbling under the bonnet you think,
´Feck me I´ve done it, moved to a new country and made a start, not much of a start so far but a fecking start all the same. How cool is that ?´

And you know something ? It really is !

Regards from paradise (ish),

Auld Sapper

Ubique ya bass
All the best to you, you've taken the step the rest of us serving or in 1 (UK) Civ Div can only dream about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fair play, here's to blue skies and cold drinks


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Auld Sapper, great to hear from you after so long. Sorry to hear about the trials and tribulations but you seem to be struggling through.

How about arranging an Arrse party for paying guests and put up a couple of tents and supply lots of booze? May be a way of getting some wherewithal (although your Missus may not like a bunch of drunken tw@ts hanging round the joint!)

Get on to your book and flog that, the stories still make me choke with laughter when I read them.

I wish you the very, very best and will raise a glass (or three) to the booze gods tonight in the hope that good will come your way.
Keep in there AS, it'll be worth it in the end and if you throw in the towel you'll forever wishing you didn't. Much better to be living a little rough in the sun than a dull average life in the UK.

Good luck and don't forget that once you get some electricity you can start getting that book writen..... that'll keep the wolves from the door until the citrus fruit are ready for harvest and your river's flowing again.
Obrigadinho mes amigos, still slogging away with bits for the book, it's no been forgotten about.

Must away now and have some cold beer, I´ve not typed this much for feckin months !!

P.S. could a really kind Mod erase the double posting, please. Once a ´puter numpty........



Ubique ya bass
Auld_Sapper said:
Obrigadinho mes amigos, still slogging away with bits for the book, it's no been forgotten about.

Must away now and have some cold beer, I´ve not typed this much for feckin months !!

P.S. could a really kind Mod erase the double posting, please. Once a ´puter numpty........



Ubique ya bass
sorry was'ne any kind mod about just me :wink: but your request has been carried out.
Keep going big yin plenty here waiting for the book :lol:
What a feckin country this is !! We need six posts to bring the leccy into the site and thats only after a forest of paperwork and about 4000 Euros paid to the Leccy Coy. Was told 'No leccy, no phone' so that seemed to be that. The other week ago I was speaking to a local in the bar and it turns out he's the local phone engineer 'No problemo compadre.' says he, 'Aye, feckin right' thinks I. However two days later I signed the papers, paid me 25 euro connection fee and sat back and waited. Five days later a truck arrives with three bods and six feckin posts which the guys then proceeded to erect with nowt more than a pinch bar and a shovel ! They started at half eight and by five I had the phone in ! All for the standard connection fee !!! And best of all, we've got the feckin broadbad too !! Still might have to run everything on batteries and an invertor with the genny as back up, but hey, who gives a ? Only got the minimum connection package at the mo, bit slow and time limited but I can upgrade next month. And the leccy coy ? They can take thier paperwork, posts and thier 4000 euro fee and shove it up thier arrse ! I'm going solar. Thier plenty sunshine here abouts ! Shees it's hot.

Regards from the Algarve

Auld Sapper

Ubique ya bass
Oh, and, Stumpy has arrived safely. Cheers BBC ! Have some photos but it's so long since I've done it I can't dowsize the feckin things to upload them to the site. They will be done tho '

And as for the photos of him at the pish up !!!! Well the original would have been proud, well apart from being boffed. Stump was always hetro !!


Auld Sapper

Ubique ya bass
Glad to hear your still around A_S and that the old art of networking over a beer is not dead either.

All the best, wifes office still in tucks over the stumpy stories.

Nice to hear from you A_S.

Hope everything falls into place soon mate.
The First of Foot man's idea is a good one.

Why not advertise a Bring your own Bottle/Tent over the next couple of months?

Members here would pay for a night around the table with you and would bring the beers.


Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
My world has now been put back onto a proper level. Welcome A-S but FFS why do we have to wait for 1 post a month?

Note to techies - can you transfer calls on 'tinternet?

Good drills on the Portugese equivalent of BT - try talking nicely to them here and the second word is usually 'off'.

Before we arrange an Arrse 'outing' in the Algarve can you check on the local supply of zimmers, colestomy (spell?) bags etc. A couple of dusky nurses (of the female persuasion) might be helpful.

Can anyone supply a No 1 burner for the barbie?

All the best pal - even if you are a Sapper!


Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
ViroBono said:
The ARRSE Algarve gathering, anyone?
I don't belieeeeeeeve it!
now your're talking an Algarve Party and i have never been to Portugal before
Hello A_S,
tried to put this on the other thread,but it won´t take piccies;Don´t worry about falling flat on your face,i´ve been doing that for the last 25 years it´s character building! :D

Recognise the `Sniffer` must have been a mate of yours or Stumpy´s?

Picture´s from mid `79 in Fermanagh,never found F.A. but it was a nice sunny day!


Bom dia, meu amigo velho A_S, como vai? Todo bem? Good to hear your dulcets again. Nil illegitimi carborundum, Portuguese bureaucracy cannot be any worse than living under Our Dear Leader and this veil of gloom. And hey, if it gets too stressful just look out of the window, who cares if it ain't there.
You're doing something lots of people say they're going to do or dream about, but ain't got the cojones to do so.
Boa sorte, and keep your pecker up.
Apologies for lousy Portuguese, it's been a long time.
Great to hear from you again A_S. Hang on in there mate, it'll all come good in the end.


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