Dishing_Chips ... a legend of sexual conquest.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Dishing_Chips, Apr 10, 2009.

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  1. Let me introduce myself to the good & gentlefolk of the ARRSE community. As one can see my name is Dishing_Chips and I am well versed in the art of serving what might be known as 'fast food'. I come on here somewhat dismayed that my heroic alter ego has taken a fair bashing particularly in the C0cks & N0bbers thread. What-ho ... he knew the risks. I on the othger hand am obliged to tell the truth & explain my sexual conquests as they happened all be it a little distasteful.

    You see, it all began a few months ago when my chum & I met with a rather lovely filly of oriental persuasion in a bar. A bar well known for, shall we say, ladies offering favours to young stags for a few shillings. Well, after several glasses of strong shandy it was most apparant that the filly (discretion prevents me from naming the young thing) was ready to come along with us for the purpose of performing sexual favours. As mater & pater were in the country for the weekend it was decided we should retreat to my abode.

    Well, it didn't take long for the action to begin & both my chum & I quickly stripped naked whilst the young filly did likewise in a rather tantislising striptease. As she finally removed her silky underwear, she quickly turned, bent over & presented her rear end in our direction. My chum immediatly moved forward to insert his rather large blood engorged member into her anal passage. As the young thing reached back to guide my chum in. I was somewhat amazed to notice a pair of hairless testicles drop between her legs. Me Gods thinks I; could it really be that the young filly was in fact something known as a 'lady boy'. Although one should have been somewhat put of by this development, I found myself in a rather excited state.

    My chum, now inserted, was not put off either & began to thrust back & forth in the lady boys back door. I watched in great excitment rubbing my rather small member with my hand, readying myself for my turn at that rather silky looking bottom. It was apparant that my chum was enjoying his experience & the young lady boy was obviously pleasuring itself 'round front'. Unfortunately my efforts had got me over excited & as my chum finished his labours, I let loose, shooting the stuff all over my chums rather hirsute lower back. He was somewhat angry with this turn of events & suddenly turned on me asking 'what the fcuk are you doing'. The young girl/boy appeared quite dismayed as well. They then both set about me & gave my naked body a rather brutal beating before dressing & leaving. Unfortunately I was unable to prevent this attack as my two weeks as a paid reserve in Her Majesties forces had not prepared me in matters of defending oneself.

    After they had left the house I retired to my study where I could peruse photographs of naked men on my computer whilst pleasuring myself a second time & drinking copious amounts of Malibu.

    I remain, &c.

  2. Brilliant.
  3. not a patch on the man himself, but inspired nonetheless.
  4. Encore, encore :lol:
  5. :D :D :D

    Let's hope that Dishing_Chips isn't a one time poster - more please, 'tis only right that the fair maidens of ARRSE know what they're up against!
  6. A grudging "A" for (a somewhat desperate) effort, but you'll have to go without the cigar.

    If you really want to cut the big language-wise, you could do a lot worse than studying posts by the late and wholly unlamented "Caubeen", or even the writings of the quite brilliant Oscar Wilde - to name just one.

    If you're out to impress with your *cough* command of the English language, it's first necessary to actually have that command. At the moment, you're nowhere near it.

  7. Alas, it is difficult to be so inspired when one is forced to speak the truth rather than write tales that are somewhat less factual. Still I salute your praise & take much comfort from that.

    But dear friends, my tales of sexual conquest are somewhat few but all have consequences that one must accept with dignity. My tale above did not just end with the sporadic thrashing administered by my chum & his newly conquered shim (incidently they now live as man & wife). He did somewhat convince me that the above mentioned incident was forgiven & that we should depart on holiday for the Americas. We duly holidayed (or should one say vacationed?) in the tropics that are Florida. On one particular overcast yet balmy day we decided to swim in the ocean. I was somewhat wary of this excursion on account of my experience being in the rather more sedate waters of the Med. But my chum was experienced & we dashed into the water & swam vigorously to a sandbank.

    We were only just able to touch the sand on the aforementioned sandbank but soon turned to each other & embraced. Fumbling we quickly removed each others swimming attire & frantically groped each others throbbing members. As I became more & more aroused I found myself closing my eyes when suddenly my chum took his hand from my member & pushed me hard into deeper water, the current instantly sweeping me further from the sandbank. With tears in my eyes & panic in my heart I reached out a hand & cried 'Why?'. He cruelly laughed & replied 'Because you shot your load on my back' before turning & making his way back to shore.

    I don't know how I might have survived as I drifted with the current for a whole day somewhat resigned to my fate. But, as fortune would have it, a boat came into view and I was able to attract the occupants attention. As they pulled me naked from the water I soon found that the boat was full of young Cuban men heading for sanctuary in the US. They promised to take me to shore as soon as night fell but I would have to pay for my safe passage.

    That evening they dropped me on the shore near to my hotel and I soon met up with my chum. Oh how he laughed when I told him the tale at the bar that evening as we sipped Malibu. I for one was not up for laughing nor sitting on account of payment for the safe passage.

    I remain, &c.

  8. Indeed Sir; you mention two lamented masters. But I do try. Alas my education does have shortfalls & this is why I find myself in my current employment.

    One hopes never to suck on a cigar again having recently sucked on too many things Cuban. :oops:

    I remain, &c.

  9. Bravo old chum, stout fellow :salut:
  10. Ok who is it it can't be Dashing Cnut this is funny stuff :D
  11. Sometimes you are so predictable jarrod. :D

    Once heard an american colleague decline an offered cigar with the line, "Smoking a cuban is like sucking on Castro's dick" - pretty sure he was being metaphorical.

    Dishing_Chips - What stories per chance relating to these fine shores of Blighty?
  12. Mr Jarrod Sir, I shall inform you of my nautical antics with the Cuban crew in good time. Needless to say I have learned from my experience & found that I am more flexible than previously thought to be.

    I remain, &c.


    Mr CBG of the RAMC it is I and only I. Dishing_Chips is my personna and indeed I am somewhat funnier than the other entity mentioned. 'Funnier' in more ways than one would wish to imagine!

    I remain, &c.


    Ah Sir; my sweet Blighty where many an opportunity exists for a young man about town. To follow ...

    I remain, &c.

  13. This is brilliant, well done to the person behind Dishing_Chips.