dirty panties

#1
While emptying a communal drier in which to dry my own not so small smalls I was attacked by a pair of large, grey and sh*t incrusted boxers. They leapt from the machine and begged me to rescue them from their beastly owners arrse to which they had been subjected for many years.

My heart went out to these poor pants and made me question men and there arrse wiping techniques. I mean how hard is it? The stains in these pants were unbelievable and ran in a big streak from ball bag compartment all the way to the elasticated waistband! Missing a little bit is expectable but this was taking the pish.

Over the next couple of days I paid more attention then normal to men’s pants and realised in horror that it wasn’t just that creature that had messed his pants it was a small majoriety of blokes!

Why can you not wipe your bums properly boys?

Is it down to lack of teaching on your parent’s behalf or just pure laziness?
 
#2
Dizzy,You ain't seen nothing: check out the phot I am about to PM you..... :D
 
#3
dizzy_blonde said:
Is it down to lack of teaching on your parent’s behalf or just pure laziness?
It's nothing to do with parenting, Monkey can get it all squared away and sorted toot sweet with a good reach round and up from under manoeuvre that would put many to shame. I also taught this move to his older brother, the teenager, who has now, by the evidence he throws in the wash basket, totally disregarded it. (Only bonus is I can tell how serious he is about the latest sh*g from the skids he leaves or doesn't! ;))

So it's just laziness on the part of the wiper Dizzy pure and simple, well male, and therefore simple!

Beebs
 
#4
jesus christ berny that is sick!

report to me 23:00 for remedial arrse wipe lessons your a very dirty boy.

blondy :)

and NO not a chance of a reach round if your pants look like that! id come out looking like a chocolate soldier
 
#5
Dozy' In my case its because I have such a hairy arrse that the clinkers adhere to like rectal "no more nails" I get such a great feeling as I walk down the street hearing the gentle tap tapping of my rectal conkers in my ted bakers
 
#6
dizzy_blonde said:
jesus christ berny that is sick!

report to me 23:00 for remedial arrse wipe lessons your a very dirty boy.

blondy :)

and NO not a chance of a reach round if your pants look like that! id come out looking like a chocolate soldier
I know, I know... who would of thought that rubber could take a stain like that? :D
 
#7
Right, gloves off.

My then girlfriend had been on a two-week exercise with her bunch and came to see me for a long weekend, bringing her dirty laundry with her. Obviously, me being the nice chap and modern gent, and not exactly unaccustomed to minging grotty CS95 myself, I sent her packing to go and have a nice soak in the bath while I sorted her admin out. Opened her grip bag and started checking through her pockets etc and stuffing kit in the washer, only to be accosted by a pair of her smalls. It seems she had come on while on ex, and her week-old blood-stained smalls now had a small team of little white maggots happily chowing down on my missus' womb-walls.

I must have really loved her. I hand-washed them before they went in the machine, and I never said a word to save her the embarrassment.
 
#8
Bits said:
Right, gloves off.

My then girlfriend had been on a two-week exercise with her bunch and came to see me for a long weekend, bringing her dirty laundry with her. Obviously, me being the nice chap and modern gent, and not exactly unaccustomed to minging grotty CS95 myself, I sent her packing to go and have a nice soak in the bath while I sorted her admin out. Opened her grip bag and started checking through her pockets etc and stuffing kit in the washer, only to be accosted by a pair of her smalls. It seems she had come on while on ex, and her week-old blood-stained smalls now had a small team of little white maggots happily chowing down on my missus' womb-walls.

I must have really loved her. I hand-washed them before they went in the machine, and I never said a word to save her the embarrassment.
That could of made a really sweet "Love Is..." cartoon.
 
#9
Bernie , I'm intrigued, can you PM me that photo too?

Dizzy, I can't speak for most blokes but I'm afraid to give my ass a good wiping in case a finger (or four) slip inside my most sacred of holes. The shame of it, imagine if I was to dump my muck during the afore mentioned faux pas.

I would have to re-badge to the RLC or Navy ( apologies Bernie).
 
#10
Kill two birds with one stone - have a dump in the bath.....
 
#12
Bits said:
It seems she had come on while on ex, and her week-old blood-stained smalls now had a small team of little white maggots happily chowing down on my missus' womb-walls.
Excuse me while I dry-heave. 8O

Beebs is right, it's a training thing. The Tankie has never left so much as a duster on his 'chones (that's ghetto-Spanish for pants, if you ever feel the need to use it) in all the time we have known each other.

On the other hand, I can recall that my father had a constant skidmark problem...and my sister-in-law just informed me that her youngest son clearly gets his inability to wipe his a$$ from his father, my own brother. That's three generations of sh!t-stripes for the women in my family to contend with. Thanks a lot, Mom.

I should mention that my father is an civilian engineer, while Tankie's dad is ex-BW. It's obviously a training and standards issue.
 
#13
do you think we could start an arrse wiping academy or something? and im not talking about Harrogate.

somewhere that the lads could be surrounded by others with the same problem so they could assist and aid each other in learning the technical strokes.

blondy :)

will be recruiting arrse wipe instructors soon PM me with your names asap
 
#15
dizzy you sound like the girl i need...upon my return from a long arduous exercise if you would be so kind as to cut my tagnuts and clingons with a pair of nail scissors and therefore aleviate the embarassment of shit stained gruds it would be much appreciated.
 
#17
happyhammer a bit of immac (now called veet) would work wonders on your clinkers!

we will start of with a trim then on goes the nasty smelling cream (kinda like onions and toothpaste) until it starts to sting then pop you in the shower, a bit of a rinse and your left with a smooth crack.

problem solved

blondy :)
 
#18
dizzy_blonde said:
will be recruiting arrse wipe instructors soon PM me with your names asap
I'm bored of searching for mongs, so I might be available for part-time teaching. Are NBC suits provided?

Btw I graduated from the International School for Bottom Cleanliness in 1982 and was awarded my PHD is Arrsehole Decontamination studies in 1988. I also recieved tution from Aggie and Kim but left the course when one got a bit too frisky in the anal poo-search lesson.
 
#19
badgers you sound ideal!!

the suits we provide are reinforced cotten available in down syndrome orange or spacca green and the gloves are 70% wire wool (to get the botties nice and clean) and 30% lycra.

i will of course have to run a batty boy check as members of the arrse wipe academy are not keen on stray fingers dissapearing up crevices. i have unfortunatly had to sack several members of staff since we opened due to there excitment of seeing bare bums.

after running your checks i will inform you asap of your start date via PM

many thanks

arrse wipe academy mistress :p
 
#20
The first Mrs Funt had major hygiene problems including a persistant case of thrush which left great crusty yellow wheelspins in the front bottom area of her pants.
To remove the crusts, she kept herself entertained at night sitting on the sofa, rummaging around in her gusset and snacking on the tasty crunchy morsels she found.


It wasn't a long marriage.
 

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