Dilemma: help urgently required!

#1
Allow me to paint a picture if you will...

I work in a predominantly male office where, fortunately, the testosterone heavy atmosphere is broken up by the tight, pretty young things the CEO regularly hires to come and intern a few times a week.

Last night after many long months of gentle flirting and persuasion I finally managed to take the seemingly demure and prim South American PA out for a some friendly drinks. After many hours, very little food, and enough wine to drown an elephant (my usual strategy with the ladies), I had her back at my place.

The quiet girl I knew from the office was no more. She was scratching me, moaning, screaming: I was getting thrown around by a girl a head shorter than me and half my size! Jus t as things were reaching a point I felt a jolt of pain, pulled out and went to the bathroom to find blood all over the condom. Such was my state of inebriation I thought it couldn't possibly be mine, the dirty b*tch! I washed myself off and stumbled back in to bed a happy man.

It was only this morning as I had to physically rip my old boy off the sheets (such was the quantity of dried blood), that I knew I was in the sh*t. I tried to take a look only for the tear to start bleeding profusely again, so through the fug of my hangover cleaned up and made my way into the office.

Now here's the rub: my regular throw down lives out of town, believes us to be in an exclusive relationship, and is due to come and stay with me for a few days over the weekend. She can't find out that I've slept with another woman, and yet I can feel the evidence of my indiscretion bleeding damply into my boxers as I sit here typing.

How can I avoid the misses finding out, and also explain away the badly torn banjo string?!
 
#2
Tell her you were thinking of her whilst "bashing one out" and got a bit carried away.......
 
#3
AWESOM-O said:
Allow me to paint a picture if you will...

I work in a predominantly male office where, fortunately, the testosterone heavy atmosphere is broken up by the tight, pretty young things the CEO regularly hires to come and intern a few times a week.

Last night after many long months of gentle flirting and persuasion I finally managed to take the seemingly demure and prim South American PA out for a some friendly drinks. After many hours, very little food, and enough wine to drown an elephant (my usual strategy with the ladies), I had her back at my place.

The quiet girl I knew from the office was no more. She was scratching me, moaning, screaming: I was getting thrown around by a girl a head shorter than me and half my size! Jus t as things were reaching a point I felt a jolt of pain, pulled out and went to the bathroom to find blood all over the condom. Such was my state of inebriation I thought it couldn't possibly be mine, the dirty b*tch! I washed myself off and stumbled back in to bed a happy man.

It was only this morning as I had to physically rip my old boy off the sheets (such was the quantity of dried blood), that I knew I was in the sh*t. I tried to take a look only for the tear to start bleeding profusely again, so through the fug of my hangover cleaned up and made my way into the office.

Now here's the rub: my regular throw down lives out of town, believes us to be in an exclusive relationship, and is due to come and stay with me for a few days over the weekend. She can't find out that I've slept with another woman, and yet I can feel the evidence of my indiscretion bleeding damply into my boxers as I sit here typing.

How can I avoid the misses finding out, and also explain away the badly torn banjo string?!
To fix the banjo string .... gaffer tape and the liberal application of WD40. Or better still take it to a professional musical instrument repair shop... (try Yellow Pages)

As for what to tell the misses... explain that you you where vacuuming your office in the nude and, hey presto, you fell and got your hampton stuck in the Hoover dustette.

How say three 'Our Fathers' and twelve 'Hail Marys'
 
#4
It's obvious,

You were missing her terribly (you'll say), it was getting you down so you decided to, ahem, get a grip on the situation.

Such was your desire that a particularly vigorous downstroke has, alas, rendered you hors de combat for a bit.

"But you see darling, it was only because I was "thinking" of you..."

Hope that helps
 
#6
2 torn banjo strings in a matter of a few days?

Impressive.

I'd personally go for the overenthusiastic knuckle shuffle option myself. Then again, if its near enough severed, thats gotta be one HELL of a wank.
 
#7
Squiggers said:
2 torn banjo strings in a matter of a few days?

Impressive.

I'd personally go for the overenthusiastic knuckle shuffle option myself. Then again, if its near enough severed, thats gotta be one HELL of a wank.
What is it with you and banjo strings?! You have an obsession with banjo strings Squiggers! 8O

"Zo, pleeze lie down on zis couch. Now tell me about your mutter, Ja?"
:wink:
 
#8
#10
Archangel said:
Squiggers said:
2 torn banjo strings in a matter of a few days?

Impressive.

I'd personally go for the overenthusiastic knuckle shuffle option myself. Then again, if its near enough severed, thats gotta be one HELL of a wank.
What is it with you and banjo strings?! You have an obsession with banjo strings Squiggers! 8O

"Zo, pleeze lie down on zis couch. Now tell me about your mutter, Ja?"
:wink:
...shush, don't let the secret get out. :wink:
 
#13
jarrod248 said:
AWESOM-O said:
easesprings said:
jarrod248 said:
Dashing chap good morning.
My first thoughts
Dashing Chap?! 'fraid not, I'm not an old users alter ego but a (relatively) new member...
So how would you know dashing chap was an old users alter ego?
Search function, the first link that comes up is funnily enough a post by you referring to DC...

But this is getting a little off topic; any further pearls of wisdom from the ARRSE community?!
 
#14
I've got it! Tell your misses that you were being circumcised by Stevie Wonder and ... it went a bit wrong! There, sorted :)

(What's that? ... Well how the feck am i supposed to know why you were being circumcised by Stevie Wonder?! Am I supposed to solve all your problems for you! :? )
 
#15
Your injury is too obvious. Disguise it by cramming your foreskin with sweets, tie off the end and have a group of blind-folded Mexican children hit it with sticks until your entire penis explodes, scattering sweeties across you patio. Far easier to explain.
 
#16
Jarrod - I would have thought YOU of all people would not be oblivious to the dangers of super-glue and male genitalia in close personal proximity!

Go zip..a "friend of mine" used this excuse some years ago! I was not detected. I mean him, him...dash it!
 
#17
Psychology.

Tell her the truth, that some latin minx ripped your tool to shreds in a bout of major passion.

Then when she laughs and asks you what really happened you can blush and mumble about getting excited over a naughty film, and over-enthusiastic grips.

Simple.
 
#18
Jarrod - I would have thought YOU of all people would not be oblivious to the dangers of super-glue and male genitalia in close personal proximity!

Go zip..a "friend of mine" used this excuse some years ago! I was not detected. I mean him, him...dash it!
 
#19
Cuddles said:
Jarrod - I would have thought YOU of all people would not be oblivious to the dangers of super-glue and male genitalia in close personal proximity!

Go zip..a "friend of mine" used this excuse some years ago! I was not detected. I mean him, him...dash it!
Exactly! Super glue and willies don't mix!

(last I tried anything like that the chicken was stuck there for weeks!) :wink:
 

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