Diet – how to make the best poo

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Goku, Mar 17, 2006.

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  1. Early today I was speaking with another ARRSEr and the conversation inevitably lead to the topic of poo.

    I’ve noticed that when I’m forced to eat rat pack for more than 2 days in a row, my hoop bungs up good and proper. Several days later expelling the biggest, blackest terd on gods green earth.

    Now when I have a good hot curry, without fail, the next day I’m visited by a poo that’s somewhere between a liquid and solid.

    Finally when I have a good solid night on the lash, putting away the kind of drink that could floor an elephant, I find that my poo is best described as diearhea. More water than poo, spraying wildly all over the inside of the bowl as well as all fleshy bits covering the lid :?

    All well and good I hear you say, but what am I getting at??

    I’m on a mission.
    I want to make the mother of all poos.
    Big, long, and solid :D
    Something I could block a U bend with.

    Rat pack gives me big solid terds, but I know I can do better.

    ARRSE help me out. What can I ingest to give me that monster terd I’ve been dreaming of????
  2. Rat packs give the mother of all poohs.

    You will be very hard pressed to beat it; I might suggest a little dehydration for full-on bunged up effect.

    Your mission is noble, I salute you.
  3. Where's the photos then?

    You've covered consistency and colour but what about smell and taste? 8O

  4. Rat packs are good for poos as are bacon butties with cheese and the old man test not pooing approach.

    however all three put together are what you want

    i did 4 days without one with this approach at the end of exercise when hitting the porcelin back at the block got a poo that i rekon was about a foot long.
  5. Curried rat-packs washed down with heroic quantities of ale. That should make for some spectacular results.
  6. Try a night on nohting but guinness. I can guarantee my first poo of the weekend (probably sunday) will be black as the night and as dense as a collapsed sun. hopefully the correct trajectory will prevent a porcelain shatterring calamity :twisted:
  7. Peanut butter & ham sandwiches ( with white crusty bread ) washed down with any ale from the Shepard & Neame stable (Spitfire or Bishops finger are the best ) always for me anyway, give out the most pungent of turds with the texture of a lump of brown plasticene. Be warned this type of sh1te will also incour a penalty of at least an hours nagging from any woman you happen to co-habit with. Espesially when it sticks to the side of the crapper & can,t be removed for love nor money. Very satisfying though !!!!!!!

    Regards LT.
  8. This is how I sound the day after I’ve been drinking :D
  9. Sounds like a bad case of "Herfy" posioning. We,ve all been there !!!!!!!!!! 8O .

    Regards LT.
  10. Can I suggest dried dog food?

    My six month old Jack Russell dog did a poo the other day that was almost 1ft long which isn't bad considering his body is about 14" long! We thought it was a snake on the floor at first.
  11. I had 2 Jacks & I can back you up on the size of dog/turd ratio. It is unbeliveable how so much crap can appear out of one tiny dogs arrse hole !!!!!!!

  12. A ft long poo is exactly what I’m looking for, how much dog food does your mutt eat to produce such quality terds and how much would you recommend I eat to gain the same results? Also, what was the smell and width like, and what brand of dried dog food was it?

    Any pictures?
  13. Whole wheat bread and banannas. Tons.
    You may need to snap its neck to get it to flush!

    If you want to go to the other extreme, slightly iffy prawns will blow the arrse clean off you. For ricochet effect add unchewed peanuts. (plink plink plink)
  14. [hr][hr]

    You,ll be lucky to have any skeleton left after eating dodgy seafood !!!!! Now THAT really gives you the sh1ts !!

    Regards LT.
  15. Goku, a quick search showed this link has been mentioned before, but I feel I must direct you, and any other people who like talking shit ( 8O ) (in the nicest possible way!) to rate my poo where there are lots of people you could perhaps contact to help in your quest?

    Hope this helps.