Diet – how to make the best poo

G

Goku

Guest
#1
Early today I was speaking with another ARRSEr and the conversation inevitably lead to the topic of poo.

I’ve noticed that when I’m forced to eat rat pack for more than 2 days in a row, my hoop bungs up good and proper. Several days later expelling the biggest, blackest terd on gods green earth.

Now when I have a good hot curry, without fail, the next day I’m visited by a poo that’s somewhere between a liquid and solid.

Finally when I have a good solid night on the lash, putting away the kind of drink that could floor an elephant, I find that my poo is best described as diearhea. More water than poo, spraying wildly all over the inside of the bowl as well as all fleshy bits covering the lid :?

All well and good I hear you say, but what am I getting at??

I’m on a mission.
I want to make the mother of all poos.
Big, long, and solid :D
Something I could block a U bend with.

Rat pack gives me big solid terds, but I know I can do better.

ARRSE help me out. What can I ingest to give me that monster terd I’ve been dreaming of????
 
#2
Rat packs give the mother of all poohs.

You will be very hard pressed to beat it; I might suggest a little dehydration for full-on bunged up effect.

Your mission is noble, I salute you.
 
#4
Rat packs are good for poos as are bacon butties with cheese and the old man test not pooing approach.

however all three put together are what you want

i did 4 days without one with this approach at the end of exercise when hitting the porcelin back at the block got a poo that i rekon was about a foot long.
 
#6
Try a night on nohting but guinness. I can guarantee my first poo of the weekend (probably sunday) will be black as the night and as dense as a collapsed sun. hopefully the correct trajectory will prevent a porcelain shatterring calamity :twisted:
 
#7
Peanut butter & ham sandwiches ( with white crusty bread ) washed down with any ale from the Shepard & Neame stable (Spitfire or Bishops finger are the best ) always for me anyway, give out the most pungent of turds with the texture of a lump of brown plasticene. Be warned this type of sh1te will also incour a penalty of at least an hours nagging from any woman you happen to co-habit with. Espesially when it sticks to the side of the crapper & can,t be removed for love nor money. Very satisfying though !!!!!!!

Regards LT.
 
#10
Can I suggest dried dog food?

My six month old Jack Russell dog did a poo the other day that was almost 1ft long which isn't bad considering his body is about 14" long! We thought it was a snake on the floor at first.
 
#11
ruby2shoes said:
Can I suggest dried dog food?

My six month old Jack Russell dog did a poo the other day that was almost 1ft long which isn't bad considering his body is about 14" long! We thought it was a snake on the floor at first.
I had 2 Jacks & I can back you up on the size of dog/turd ratio. It is unbeliveable how so much crap can appear out of one tiny dogs arrse hole !!!!!!!

LT.
 
G

Goku

Guest
#12
A ft long poo is exactly what I’m looking for, how much dog food does your mutt eat to produce such quality terds and how much would you recommend I eat to gain the same results? Also, what was the smell and width like, and what brand of dried dog food was it?

Any pictures?
 
#13
Whole wheat bread and banannas. Tons.
You may need to snap its neck to get it to flush!

If you want to go to the other extreme, slightly iffy prawns will blow the arrse clean off you. For ricochet effect add unchewed peanuts. (plink plink plink)
 
#14
Laury said:
Whole wheat bread and banannas. Tons.
You may need to snap its neck to get it to flush!

If you want to go to the other extreme, slightly iffy prawns will blow the arrse clean off you. For ricochet effect add unchewed peanuts. (plink plink plink)
[hr][hr]

You,ll be lucky to have any skeleton left after eating dodgy seafood !!!!! Now THAT really gives you the sh1ts !!

Regards LT.
 
#15
Goku said:
I’m on a mission.
I want to make the mother of all poos.
Big, long, and solid :D
Something I could block a U bend with.
Goku, a quick search showed this link has been mentioned before, but I feel I must direct you, and any other people who like talking shit ( 8O ) (in the nicest possible way!) to rate my poo where there are lots of people you could perhaps contact to help in your quest?

Hope this helps.
 
#16
I'm thinking... Guinness and Biscuit_AB's with chick pate...... Crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside. Will not fail to produce a ripper of gargantuan proportions, only dilemma left is... To register as a birth or a death?!
 
#17
LoneTree said:
I had 2 Jacks & I can back you up on the size of dog/turd ratio. It is unbeliveable how so much crap can appear out of one tiny dogs arrse hole !!!!!!!

LT.
I've got 2 Jack puppies as well but I didn't mention the bitch because she's very petite and does neat cocktail sausage type poos. The boy, however, is a buster of a puppy. He's a complete pig where food's concerned; we even have to separate them with their own bowls in different rooms because the bitch wasn't getting a look in.

Goku, the brand is Wagg. I've no idea of the amount because this greedy little pig just scoffs constantly.

Fcuk it! We could have stood him next to this snake poo and taken a photo but didn't think of it. I was just squeeling "Eeeeeeeeew, get rid of it!" Consistency looked solid. As for smell, I don't know because I ran away sharpish and left my partner to clean up. We reckoned the poo must have taken so long to exit that the puppy sat reading the "wee paper" on the floor whilst he was waiting. Probably quietly humming a tune to himself too.

Have to say, I look at him with utmost respect now.
 
#18
This is hypothetical, but what do you think the result would be of washing down a couple of rat packs with red wine? Merlot or Cabernet tend to produce a aesthetically pleasing loam-coloured tint to one's Richard the Thirds along with an odour that has, on occasion, made my eyes water and even my dog afraid to go in the bathroom.

There's also trumping fuel to consider. In which case, extensive experimentation has determined that there is nothing better than egg and cress sandwiches, a family bag of cool original flavour doritos and a bottle of Irn Bru.
 
#19
Ice cream? Tim McVeigh had 2 pints of Haagen Daz for his last meal, ensuring the feds would have a mess to clean up when his bowels gave way. Personally, I've had good results with mexican food. And don't forget the oatmeal. In honor of St Patrick's day, you could drink a shot of NyQuil for color.
 
#20
YANK60 said:
Ice cream? Tim McVeigh had 2 pints of Haagen Daz for his last meal, ensuring the feds would have a mess to clean up when his bowels gave way. Personally, I've had good results with mexican food. And don't forget the oatmeal. In honor of St Patrick's day, you could drink a shot of NyQuil for color.
That's no bloody good. What we're looking for is a something the size, shape and texture of your typical yule log that will provide the centrepiece of The Bathroom From Hell, the thought of which would terrorise children well into their teens and make women tear their hair out.

What you have just described is the recipe for McDonald's special St Patrick's Day shakes. Not necessarily a bad thing in itself, but that sort of thing is more ideally suited to when you need to leave a present in a Doris's handbag when leaving her place in the small hours of the morning.

IMO there's a fine line when trying to get the consistency right. Get it too firm in your bowels and you end up with Revells floating about. (Raisinettes to you Y60.) Another possible drawback comes with "spashdown". A fully fledged compo anaconda can have water shooting up your hoop- never a nice feeling. In my experience, the best plan is to use someone else's sh1thouse, remove one leg from your pants and trousers completely, turn yourself through 180 degrees (so you are facing the toilet cistern- useful to grab hold of too) and let the monster slowly eek its way out and slide gently down the front of the pan, leaving its slug-like trail of faeces behind it.If done properly you can stand up to admire your handiwork as a miniature HMS Vanguard slowly and regally slides down the slipway.

Naturally, your arrse deserves a little reward for such sterling service, so I would avoid using ordinary toilet paper and instead use the nice, fluffy cotton hand towels instead.