Did I just say that...?

I remember pulling this woman once, a text book MILF,. We went back to her place and got stripped for action but for some strange reason my complement of ''You dont have much cellulite considering you've had four kids'' didnt go down too well.
As I sat outside in the rain waiting for a taxi I couldnt believe what I said or why I said it.I wasnt even thinking it.

As an aside, the wank sock got an extra airing that night.
"You don't sweat much for a fat bird" seems to be received unfavourably as well. Bloody women!
I'm a cunt for it. Theres a gucci butchers in Wilmslow that does some decent meat, got there 5 minutes before lock up and the nice old couple were apologetic but could offer little more than stewing steak as they were soaping down the display cases, 'thats fucking crap' says me, audibly to myself, I was merely confirming to myself that the situation I was in was 'fucking crap', I heard the collective intake of breath so shot off.

Worse still me and her went for a meal with one of her work mates and her pilot boyfriend. Nice bloke, not stuck up at all but unbeknowst to me the lass had met him whilst she was an Air Stewardess before going into law later. Anyway the topic of 'uniforms' came up and the 2 girls, giddy and full of wine admitted their partiality to men in uniform, with our manly breasts proudly swelling (as uniformed men) I suddenly felt the need to pipe in 'yeah, but you need to watch them stewardess slags! I've heard they suck pilots off mid flight and all sorts, heard they are right easy slags' then started cackling to myself, alone, with three sets of eyes boring into me, even my party trick of opening a bottle of beer with my eye socket didnt recover it.

It's akin to a disease if you ask me.
I am the king of foot in mouth disease.

Case 1
Many years ago whilst working as a linesman for the electricity board I was called to a house that reported wires burning on the outside of the house. Knocked on the door of a corner terrace that had no access to the garden other than through the house. Chap took me through and when I got into the garden to have a look, it became obvious that it was their own wire not our supply wire. As a favour I decided to separate the wire so it stopped flashing. My mate who was driving the Landy chucked the ladder over the wall and i set to work. Chap walked in the house and his Mrs came out behind me where I couldn't see her. She asked "Can you fix it?" "It's your own wire, love, you'll have to get your own electrician to fix it." I reply. Can the Electricity Board supply an Electrician?" She says. My instant reply was "They could, but it would cost you an arm and a leg." I turned round to face her and she had no arms and only one leg. I instantly turned beetroot red and got flustered. I had finished the work and desperate to get away from this hideously embarrassing situation so I zoomed down the ladder as fast as I could and stood on her dog. In the ensuing bout of flailing limbs, I managed to KICK HER IN HER ONLY GOOD LEG. I was so embarrassed I chucked the ladder over the wall and vaulted over it as quick as I could. Jumped in the landy and urged my mate to drive but had to sit there for ten minutes as he was rendered incapable of driving through hysterical laughter.

Case 2
Working in a dive shop in Australia, I looked out of the workshop hatch to see a bald lady. Turned to the workshop manager and said "Fuck me that chick has got no hair." "Yes, it's my wife she has leukaemia." A fact I actually already knew.

Case 3 and 4
Whilst having a discussion about horrible ways to die, I went into great detail about how horrible lung cancer was until the girl sitting next to me burst into tears. Her Mum had died of lung cancer three months ago. Told this story in a pub about two weeks later and made another girl cry for the very same reason.

Honestly, if you ever meet me in a pub walk on by. Don't chat, I'll only piss you off.
In a meeting, I suddenly became aware that everyone was staring strangely at me rather than looking at the presiding bigwig who'd just announced her latest great idea.

I've got no memory of it, but I'm told by someone I have no reason to distrust that I'd muttered, "You utter cunt" in tones loud enough to carry. In my defence, she was an utter cunt.
When I was taking my driving test in Portsmouth,I was talking to the female instructor.She asked where I was from and I said Newcastle.She had a strange North Yorkshire accent that I couldnt work out.I asked where she was from , she said she was from Leeds but her husband was Welsh and she had lived in Wales for 20yrs.
She then said that she and her husband were going to Australia for there holidays,,to which I replied "well,there will be plenty of sheep there for him!!"
Ooooohh the look I got.
And yes ,I failed
oh your so wrong on every count...dont own a pair of leggings...the other side of the river....actually drinking a black russian right now..hmmm Kola cubes are for OLD people...hotel chocolate for me thank you...there is nothing Orange about me... more like white/pale blue....lol...and i do wear a coat...

you could be from WAAALSEND and have three teeeth with an under bite due to your inter breading within your family memebers....clearly this is just a view from this side of the river and i might be off the mark slightly...you might have 4 teeth..:grin:

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