Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by datumhead, Jan 15, 2007.
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You Live in the South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "Y'all ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defence to a murder charge.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
That the gene pool is rapidly shrinking need not be said aloud.
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN Washington State, USA IF...
* You believe the weather man.
* You throw an aluminum can in the trash and feel guilty.
* You use the words 'sun breaks' and know what it means.
* You know more than 10 words to describe a cup of coffee.
* You complain about Californians as you sell your house to one for twice as much as you originally paid.
* You never go camping without water-proof matches and ponchos.
* You stand on a deserted street corner in the rain waiting for the light to change (if there even is a light).
* You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
* You obey all traffic laws except keep right and left passing.
* You only honk your horn if collision is imminent and never for anything else.
* You consider swimming an indoor sport.
* You consider something a "hill" (not a mountain) if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently erupted, regardless of its altitude.
* You can't tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, and Thai food.
* In the winter, you go to work in the dark, come home in the dark, and only have an 8 hour day.
* You've ever tasted Pace extra mild picante sauce.
* You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a really nice restaurant.
* You consider "etiquette" a foreign word.
* You personally know someone from California.
* You resent being called a weirdo.
* You drool at the world's worst spaghetti sauce.
* You find a wallet with $500 and give it back to the owner.
* You used to live somewhere else but won't admit it publicly.
* You've ever ordered a half caff/decaf, nonfat mocha grande with sugar-free cranberry whip (or you know what it is).
* The bride and groom registered at REI. (sport supply store)
* You are amazed at an accurate weather forecast.
* If someone ran your car off the highway, you might drown.
* You'd be miffed if the store was out of your favorite brand of water.
* Every day is casual Friday.
You know your in Oregon if:
-Your children learned to walk in Birkenstocks.
-You know that Boring is a town and not just a state of mind.
-Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
-You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
-You return from a California vacation depressed because ?all the grass was dead.?
-Remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how long you were out of power and phone service for every winter weather event in the last five years.
-Have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homeowner?s policy covers falling trees, flooding, or mud slides
-You never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and mattress pads that double as flotation devices.
-You believe swimming is not a sport but a survival skill to prevent boating deaths.
-You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have the names of microbreweries/brewpubs printed on them.
-You think downtown is "scary" because you were panhandled there, once.
-You replace your hiking boots with Birkenstock or Teva sandals when the weather gets above 60 degrees.
-You believe people who use umbrellas are wimps or Californians, or both.
I think both things we posted would fit both States!
I live in Wisconsin, or as some call it because of the general Liberal attitude, "California East"
I grew up in Kentucky, so the following sums it up when I moved up here.:
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering ever inch of landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so i got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow , lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to - 20 . The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! the snow plow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize that I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I thought was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about the white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and its so cold it probably wont melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up and go to out to shovel then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...... NUTS?!?! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard today by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the Son of a Bitch who drives the snowplow, I'll drag him though the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street again.
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin' snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The Wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "A Christmas Story" one more time. I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more Shoveling!!
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Definitely. The whole Northwest is basically one state anyway
Spent the worst three years of my life one day in Great Falls Montana.
Is everyone using this?
Didn't see that you had posted that. My wife was given a xerox of that 11 years ago when I moved up here (albeit in a more adult language version).
It does sum up living in snow country very well.
Separate names with a comma.