I am a result of one the first DPA efforts to design a super soldier. I came about because of an urgent operational requirement in 1977, because my predecessor, Elvis, experienced critical systems failure on the toilet.
I was supposed to be a cost effective "smart" procurement, but some civil servant on the take wrote the contract, and clause 123A stated that I could only use platinum plated nappies supplied by British Aerospace Systems and eat rusks specially designed by Alvis. By my second year I had cost the british taxpayer (little finger poised at corner of mouth) ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS (Mwah ha ha).
The falklands war seriously set the project back. I was inserted onto the FI on D-30, with the mission of CTRing the hills around stanly, and as D Day approached, my priority was to become the interdiction of supply lines and destruction od C2 nodes. Unfortunately the staff planners at PJHQ (or whatever it was then) neglected the fact that I was only 5 years old (largely because the 2 star who made the decision to send me in was on the take from Alvis, who had developed an upgraded super soldier called the Shah 3000, codenamed Osama Bin Laden, and he wanted to see me fail in order to push the new product.)
Being only 5, I spent most of Corporate wandering around with Big Ted (my teddy bear) crying and asking "Where is my mummy?" in Esperanto - DERA had decided to only programme one foreign language into me before the op, and had gone for the european catch all language because a BAe report had recommended that it would "catch on dead quick". they also recommended the data input media should be Betamax. My language systems alone cost more than every major hospital in the UK.
Lack of mobility was a problem, and to their credit Northwood (or whoever) recognised this using their latest satellite technology, developed jointly by BAe, Alvis and Reynolds Boughton. When I say satellite technology, I mean some poor tom in a helium balloon high above the FI, with a big pair of binos (aka that red kids toy that you could cylcle cartoon slides through) and a walky talky (two yogurt pots, LONG piece of string). They decided to send me some wheels (again neglecting the fact that I was 5 and couldn't drive, although I could make Brrrrm brrrrm sounds). The cost of this satellite ultimately lead to the closure of every coal mine in the UK incidently
Op Reinforce Failure began on D-10. It involved a Vulcan flying low and slow without a DAS or any top cover over stanly and deploying an Alvis High Mobility, Low Cost Vehicle (designed jointly by Mssrs Sinclair and Dolorian and costing Â£2bn a piece). Unfortunately the parachute (designed by Icarus inc, a subsidiary of BAe) failed and the vehicle ploughed into the chinese embassy, killing 20.
Op Cover The Fcuk Up began immediately and Strike Comd proposed a three aircraft raid, using Eurofighter, to level the embassy and surrounding neighborhood and remove the evidence. Someone pointed out that it would be another 200 years before Eurofighter became available, and by that stage, you could buy China for the cost of three aircraft. Someone else suggested using Apache, or at least a kamikaze raid by loads of Merlins (all they're fcuking good for), but the AAC types pointed out that it was the wrong type of air over target and that they would probably encounter leaves on the way. The decision was made to ask the Spams to help out. They sent 500 F-111s, but they got lost and mistook the Atlantic Conveyor for the chinese embassy....the rest is history.
Luckily I got picked up by a Patrol of Fruit n'Veg and was taken home to my mum.
I'm still deemed legacy equipment and every year me and my project managers get together and burn huge piles of cash and roast marshmellows on the blaze.