Design fault warning

Model : Female/ All shapes and sizes

Critical fault : Timekeeping. Incapable of arriving at an appointment or a workplace at the appointed time, ever.

Suggestions as to a repair policy please.....
There is no repair policy on this P(phukt) class Item. Although proper accounts must be kept for future audits.
Simply 1043 the Item and apply for local disposal.

All told, the number of design faults in this model make me wonder how it was ever released on the market in the first place, let alone achieved such popularity. The much-heralded multitasking feature was described as a USP in all the pre-release literature but seems to be completely absent from the production model. As evidence, the inability to simultaneously:

Walk past a shop and look in the direction of travel.

Walk past a shop and retain awareness of the world around them.

Walk past a shop while controlling offspring.

Walk past a shop while breathing.

Watch a film while not asking idiotic and self-evident questions on the plot.

Drive a car while acting in a safe, courteous and considerate fashion (although admittedly this fault also is present in other models in the same range).
Gentlemen, the problem exists between keyboard and chair. Like any top-spec devices one must thoroughly acquaint themselves with them before they can fully use such items to their full potential.

These items are not broken. You lot just don't know how to use them.
This may help:

Dear Auntie Agony

I'm hoping you can help me with a PC problem. I've been installing some new software on my PC, but have a few problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and nothing seems to be working properly.

I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 practically forever as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases I've tried have conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if Girlfriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the option to turn the sound off. If I just run them separately, they work okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Football, Formula1, Snooker, Boxing, Golf and Cricket programs, often trying to abort them with some sort of timing incompatibility errors.

I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but thought I might see better performance from Girlfriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. As soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed the VD-Shield protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that Girlfriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about. It automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I currently now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Personally, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of Girlfriend. He discovered that GirlfriendPlus expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. He did this, but soon after that he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0 and register the change. Wife 1.0 is as a huge resource hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else until he upgrades his system hardware. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Wife 1.0 installed itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. I've discovered that some applications such as GuysNightOut, DrinkingBuddies and PubCrawl are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 1.0 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. MotherInLaw has an automatic pop-up display, and an annoying sound feature he can't turn off. System performance seems to be diminishing with each passing day.

The resource allocation module of Wife 1.0, when bundled with Fulltime-Job, sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins and Device-Drivers he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0 as a back-up application, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will automatically PKUnzip Lawyer, scan all subdirectories, and delete Money files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install because of insufficient resources.

Please help,

Frustrated User

Dear Frustrated User

I was disturbed to hear of the troubles you and your friend are having with your chosen software packages (Wife 1.0, Girlfriend 3.x, 4.x, and Mistress 1.x). All of your strife could have been avoided if you had done more product research and chosen My Special Wife (MS Wife) instead of inferior products with a similar look and feel, but inferior functionality. However, I will try to offer you some advice.

All versions of Girlfriend, Fiancee and Wife have an irritating tendency to spawn Child-Processes even if your resources are almost exhausted. These Child-Processes further consume valuable resources. No mention of this feature is included in the brochure or user documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Even if you uninstall the programs, any Child-Process only partially uninstalls and continues to drain resources and cache. The more Child-Process applications spawned, the worse the drain on system resources and cache. Lawyer appears to worsen this, as does the shareware version of ChildSupportAgency which now has a bugfix against the old RunawayFather workaround (Freeware). There is a patch to prevent child processes on a temporary basis and also a permanent fix; but the best solution is not to meddle with the software and to disable all macros when using any version of Girlfriend, Fiancee or Wife.

To avoid bugs you've mentioned, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.


Auntie Agony
No, no, pre-digital ( snarf, snarf ) post-digital, the model cannot keep time. Program a time in, and rubbish comes out... it's a dsesign fault

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