Demean your missus

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by BrunoNoMedals, Oct 10, 2008.

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  1. BrunoNoMedals

    BrunoNoMedals LE Reviewer

    Recently a bunch of us at work have been discussing various ways of demeaning the other half during sex, taking a few risks or generally getting up to something filthy. Unfortunately our lunch breaks are getting quieter because we're running out of ideas, so I need you lot.

    We've covered the usual, and a fair few unusual. Some were new on me, some I'd known for years. Here's our current list of things to do to wifey when we can get away with it:

    The donkey punch.


    Jazz trumpeting (as discussed here the other month - and I still reckon should be "lighting the pipe").

    For solo action, the abseil w*nk.

    The Spiderman (w*nk into your hand when she's giving you a handjob, then flick it into her face like Spiderman shooting webs).

    The Batman (when doggystyle, put your hands over your eyes like goggles - like you did as a kid being a pilot or superhero - and see how long you can stay like that until she sees you).

    Ghosting (again doggystyle, preferably when she's mullered: tell her you'll take it really slow, pulling all the way out then all the way in in a slow rhythm, then quickly swapping over with your mate. Run outside to the window and wave at her so she bricks it, turns around and find your mate in a ghost mask).

    The Angry Dragon (choke them with a deepthroat as you spaff, so they cough it out of their nose).

    The Bucking Bronco (shout "you're nearly as good as your sister!" as you come and see how long you can hold on).

    The Angry Pirate (unload in one of their eyes, then kick them in the shin so they hop around shouting "arr ya barstard!" with one eye shut).

    The Dirty Sanchez.

    ... and so on and so forth. Any more input? We're thinking of writing a book on it!
  2. Clearly I need to get out more. But, I think that if I tried some of the above on Mrs R they might be last action on the Earth.
    There was a programme about weird practices on TV last night. The top deviancy was covering genitals with maggots, number two was giving each other body lice. (Just for your book).
  3. From Wiki:

    The Hot Carl (or alternately Hot Karl) is another form of coprophilia, whereby a person defecates onto or into a partner's mouth. Parties unwilling to taste or consume the feces itself can opt for a strip of cellophane to be placed over their mouth, allowing the warm sensation to still be present without any direct contact with the skin or linings of the mouth.
  4. Arabian Goggles!!!
  6. BrunoNoMedals

    BrunoNoMedals LE Reviewer

    So you don't just go doggy so you can both watch? Done that while watching a DVD now and then :D
  7. Tarmacing -shite-ing onto your missus tit's and then rubbing it in like a new road surface the peanuts could pass as back fill
  8. So that's why she only ever agrees to go on top when Hollyoaks is on!! Bitch!!

    Right remember the the pen peashooter , from school days , well get your missus to straddle you , you arm yourself with pen minus insert , gob full of tissue , then let battle commence ,
    The vigourous up and down movement of the moving targets make great fun
    Attach a small piece of white paper under each nipple for darker enviroments to add to the realism of a night shoot
    Give yourself 10 points for nipple
    6 points for inner
    1 point for outer
    0 for Magpie ( thats a complete different game )

    Hours of fun assured , for sure , Available from
  10. The Angry Pirate if fcuking hilarious!

    What about the Lazy Boy. In the middle of sex, pretend to be asleep and see how long she'll carry on.
  11. I'd be flattered if she noticed :(
  12. The 'pink sock' is the way ahead;

  13. God damn netnazi!! Only little red "x"s :evil:
  14. BrunoNoMedals

    BrunoNoMedals LE Reviewer

    Is that like the red sock? i.e. a swift kick in the cnut?

    DII is shafting me too, so I'm just guessing :D
  15. Teabagging - missus tied to the bed and her mouth held firmly open with a medical clamp. Your bollox are then gently dipped into her gaping mouth.

    Gipping - a bacon rind is tied to a piece of thin string. The missus swallows the piece of bacon rind and you go firmly at her from behind whilst holding the string which is exiting from her mouth. As you reach the vinegar stroke, gently pull the string until the bacon rind reaches her gag reflex. She'll clamp up like a goodun, alegedly tightening up like a 16 year old spec op.