Death of Childhood

Discussion in 'Films, Music and All Things Artsy' started by RTFQ, Nov 16, 2005.

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  1. RTFQ


    Last night, the inner child in me was finally marched outside with a sandbag over his head, kicked into a kneeling position above a ditch running with filthy water and the putrescent excreta of a kibbutz full of paedophiles, then shot in the back of the head before being pushed into the detritus of lost dreams. The trigger was pulled by none other than George Lucas.

    I remember the first (ie original) 3 Star Wars films. They were awesome - and I mean that in the way Shakespeare would use the word, not Paris Hilton. At each one I sat in the cinema with my jaw on my chest, a tub of popcorn lay untouched in my lap and a slowly deflating coke clenched, neglected, in my hand. The first person I ever mourned was Ben Kenobi, the first woman I ever loved was Leia. I, at every firefight, ducked, weaved and returned fire from behind the row in front. I was there - and when the film ended I stayed there. My home was the millenium falcon, the park a distant forest moon and King Alfreds playschool, winchester, a galaxy far, far away. During that trilogy I learned that those who don't share my colouring or language can be valient brothers in arms (Chewbacca and the Ewoks) I leant that fat people are evil (jabba the hut), that tall men who breathe heavily and claim to be your father should be fought off, especially on the way back from school. Most of all, I learned that it is wrong to bone your sister, even if she is cute. As I grew older, my initial hero-worship of Luke Skywalker faded, as I realised we was a bit of a gimp. I looked to the funny, courageous, self-serving and womanising Han Solo as a role model - after all, he's the only one who got any action the entire time. Princess leia in a gold bikini taught me what womanhood should be.

    In short, it was the legend in which I grew up.

    Then the latest 3 films prolapsed from the gang-raped arrse of hollywood. Notwithstanding the jamaican aliens and boy-band reject Darth Vader, I have come to realise that Star Wars was in all probability written by a retarded brillo pad. I was bored last night and rented Star Wars 3 - Revenge of the Tellytubbys.

    Words cannot describe how bad that film is. Ewan McGregor should stop it, right now. trainspotting was Ok, Life less Ordinary was ok in a "I'm 20, drunk and I really want to put my willy in Cameron Diaz's mouth" sort of way. He was OK in Blackhawk down, but in fairness all he had to do was get shot at and shout alot, the best things about Moulin Rouge was Kylie as a green fairy and the fact that it introduced me a touching Elton John song that I can drunkenly sing to wronged girlfriends by way of reconcilliation. He didn't deserve to snog Scarlett johansen in Barney The Dinosaurs remake of "Blade Runner": "The Island" - Bill Murray did and I certainly do, but that feckless wnaker should wind his neck in. His rendition of Obi Wan Kenobi - remember, the first person I cared about to die violently - was terrible. That man is not fit to play mandy dingle in emmerdale farm.

    Then there's Natalie Portman. Star Wars is proof that she will never be any better, nor sexier, than she was in Leon. Her coming of age was the most eagerly awaited event in modern history, and she fluffed it by playing annoying wenches who need to be punched in the bum.

    Luckily, my alarm went off at 2100 to remind me that the Last Tommy was on. For an hour I watched a powerful story quietly told. Once the tear in the corner of my right eye had dried up, I put on the last 30 minutes of Lucas's mid-life abortion. By 2230 I had run out of expletives and things to throw at my TV.

    What a terrible, terrible mess of twisted, ignorant dogma and jingoistic posturing hollywood has become. U571, Pearl Harbour, Kingdom of Heaven, Arthur and pretty much every other movie since, what? 9-11? were the CGI equivalent of the Council of Nicaea, I can live with that - but these last 3 star wars films were like George Lucas jumped back in time to when I was 7, touched me in my special place and told me it was 'our little secret.'
  2. A quick summary for anyone not wanting to read the whole post, Starwars 3 is wnak and so is any war film to come out of hollywood!!
  3. RTFQ


    Sorry, that's a sh1t way to start a thread. :oops: Does anyone else have examples of eagerly awaited films/books that were shamelessly botched by the vapid and mechanized culture in which we wallow?
  4. RTFQ old chap, I agree with you fully about the first two of the new Star Wars movies, but Episode 3 I found to be a very good film. I very nearly shed a tear watching two men who had been as brothers for years face off to the death. Star Wars was my favorite film when I was a wee un (I am only 18 though). I loved nothing more than boring my family by watching all three movies in a row almost on a weekly basis. Being such a fan I was incredibly dissappointed with Episode 1, less so with Episode 2, but dissappointed none the less. Episode 3 I personally believe to be on par with his originals, not least because it adds some humanity to someone who can only be despcribed as one bad mofo.

    One last point-Surely you like seeing Samuel L Jackson sporting a lightsaber?
  5. RTFQ - I went through this vale of tears when the first (fourth) tranche of the new epoch was allowed to dribble onto the silver screen.

    In some areas, they came close to approximating the raw fear instilled by (for example) the interrogator droid in Jabba's Palace ('You're a feisty little one -but you'll soon learn some respect'), or the collection of sinister rubber-headed bounty hunters being addressed by Vader on the bridge of the Avenger; or the carbon freezing scene with Han. I'm thinking particularly of Darth Maul (everything less his voice), multi-armed robots and tiptop lightsabre (TM) fights.

    But what the hell is Jarjar Binks all about? Why does Anakin have such a stupid voice? Doesn't the role of Kenobi demand a certain gravitas?

    To my mind, the critical components of the best of the first (last) three episodes were missing - layering of detail, AT_ATs, stormtroopers looking like stormtroopers, and so on.

    And what the fcuk is going on with Jarjar Binks??

    Edited to add: Best film? Empire Strikes Back!!!!
  6. I find your lack of faith disturbing...
  7. I think he must have been subsumed by the Dark Side . . . . .

    Although Jar Jar Binks obviously needs a 'kin good hoofing.
  8. RTFQ


    Whilst not wishing to critisise your preferences - they're yours and as such are infinitely valid - I'll be interested to know whether you watched it at a cinema and were sent into an epileptic state by the admittedly fantastic special effects. I watched it on a normal TV and just found it lazy. At one point that thing McGregor turns to the boyband evil one and says, almost to the letter: "But you're being evil Annakin!" to which Ronan Keating or whatever he's called replies "But from my point of view, you're evil." In the same tone that he would say: "nah uh -YOU smell like poo more!" My tv remote then disintegrated just above his left ear. I think they were too wrapped up in making cool new robots to worry about making what could have been a good story work. The original 3 had some poor acting, but they managed to generate some sympathy for the characters.

    It's not high art and I'm not some sort of trekkie, or whatever they are for starwars, I just wanted to be wowed by the latest 3, not walk away thinking that myself and a few mates down the pub could have done better
  9. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    I've only ever seen the very first film, and that only three or so years back.

    Is there something wrong with me ?
  10. RTFQ


    Yes mate, but it ain't going to be cured by watching Star Wars. In afct, the bright flashing strobe effects may well make it worse.
  11. To answer your question, I first watched the film at the cinema and have since watched it at home on DVD. The cinema was by far the better experience quite obviously. In fact I was not old enough to have seen any of the original Star Wars films at the cinema and I found that it was defineltly one of my favorite cinema experiences, a close second is that time when I has 13 and first got me hand up a bra. The watching of the movie started on a high as as soon as the yellow Star Wars came onto the screen there was much cheering from the crowd, something that no doubt would increase viewing pleasure more than sitting on the sofa.
  12. Peter Jaskson showed how a book should be made into a film with Lord Of The Rings....
  13. I saw the original 3 episodes in the cinema and was hooked as a young kid.

    I bought the 4th one on video - (pre DVD days), so therefore have only watched it on a tv screen but what a disappointment. As stated, very good effects (in spite of having only watched it on a small screen - that race scene is fantastic) - the story is just kack, I lose interest in the middle.

    The 5th one was on the telly a couple of weeks ago and I watched it until it was interupted by the news so I hit the record button and went to bed, but I haven't been inclined to watch the end - far too dull.

    The main crux of the matter is the total lack of chemistry between the leading actors, they really are just going through the motions. That was the major success of the original films - the little spark of something between Princess Leia (sp), Hans and even Luke. With regards to how a trilogy should be conducted - the first three Star Wars films do that perfectly - but they should have left it there. I'm already cringing at the thought of Indiana Jones 4...

    As for Ewan McGregor, agreed his career has gone downhill since Trainspotting. It's his accents, they're awful (ever seen that one about Nick Leeson FFS) - his mate Robert Carlyle is the true master of all accents.
  14. ~Oh DON'T get me started on LOTR
  15. What a load of crap. Tolkien would be turning in his grave. Jackson made a complete hash of LOTRs.

    I liked all the Star Wars films apart from Episode 1. Darth Maul had loads of potential (which was wasted) and Jar Jar binks was crap.

    Overall the film spent too much time "setting the scene" for all the future plots and didn't focus on developing a bond with the characters or enough action to sustain the interest of the audience.

    Episode 5 was the best :wink: