dear shortfuse

it has come to my attention , that a lot of people who use this board have "issues" we all have periods in our life when we need a shoulder to cry on , or a kind word to help us through a dark period , and I my friends am going to attempt to be that shoulder.

just dont expect any sympathy.... you f*cking homo's ...get a grip.

i will of course take the pish mercillesly , and i am trying to get a panel of "experts" together to aid me in my counselling

so please feel free to send in those problems , obviously the more outrageous and made up the better.

shortfuse .... ARRSE's answer to Trisha.
My neighbour did a moonlight last weekend and yesterday I came home to find four gorillas in monkey suits trying to find her to discuss some unpaid bills.

Should I have let them have a pair of her old cacks (for DNA purposes) -
and would I have been legally obliged to give a sample of my own DNA for elimination purposes?

(posted for a friend...)
Dear Shortfuse

I am in desperate need of you help. It all started 5 years ago, when i was due to be posted, as i was turning my room over and emptying the draws in the mfo boxes, i didnt notice that one special sock had missed going in to the box, and fell down the side.
This sock had been very special to me, so much so that it was nearly a life form in its own right it had that much DNA on it.
Since this fatefull day i was posted to another place, and found a new sock, but even after all this time i cant help feeling like i am cheating on socky.
I am at my wits end, please please please help.
For R.S.I.
first things first .... what are you doing with a pair of your neighbours keks.

i think we have deeper issues to discuss here you f*cking pantie nicking pervert.

and as for giving them some of yours , dont drag other people into your sordid little world .

so to sum up.

4 plushies turn up at your neighbours house , and you want to know if you should give them some of her stolen underwear , or a pair of your own "soiled panties"

where the f*ck do you live ? gommorah?


hope this helps you.
I've got a problem.

You know when you've got the turtle's head and you really, really need to do a dump and you know it's gonna be a biggy? And then you get to the bog and you extrude your turd in the normal manner and, yes, just as you suspected, it was a biggy and then you wipe your arse and pull your pants up. And then you think "aaahhhh, that was good" and you feel all satisfied and fulfilled. And you leave the bog with a jaunty spring in your step and feel ready to face any challenges that the day might throw at you.

Well, my question is, do you get the same feeling if you've just had an arrse buggering? I mean, when you think about it, you've got this thing in your rectum which has got to be at least as uncomfortable as a big log, and then when the person doing the buggering has finished his business the thing is removed and the rectum should feel some relief. What's worrying me is, if the after-effects of an anal shafting is as pleasurable as a good shit, am I a closet sponge? Has it happened to you?

The problem is, I can't put this to the test because to do so would make me into a raging, rampant queer. Even if my theory proved to be wrong and I didn't enjoy the experience at all, my anus would have been defiled and once defiled it cannot be undefiled. It's OK for chicks because they can have bum love without transgressing the sexual boundary. How will I cope? Have I caught the gay?

What are your thoughts?

in reply to sabre.

this is indeed a tragic loss , and one which whilst this may be difficult to take you may never get over.

that "special sock" should be the one for life , and to have it taken away in such tragic circumstances is indeed a cruel blow.

but there is hope.

throw away the black armband and start living again , there are plenty of young socks out there , just dying to be filled with man fat by a guy just like you , so move on , and dont let life pass you by.

try one made of man made fabric , and have a w-ank in the dark , the "static light show" is truely something to behold !!!
in reply to Oz.

as i told you in rsponse to your PM , no i will not , and i quote

"f*ck you like a little bitch"

please stop it , youre frightening me.

saying that though , you cant whack a good cr*p.
dear auntie shortfuse

It is now no longer a secret that when a man beckons a woman to go through a doorway before him or allows her to leave a lift first, it is not out of courtesy, it is so he can watch her arse.

So, if a bloke offers to let me go through a door before him, should I punch his fcukin lights out just in case?

in reply to Oz's second "gay themed" problem of the day.

modern society teaches us to be tolerant of others , regardless of colour , religion , or sexual orientation.

kick the f-ucking homo c-unt in the b*llocks mate.

you can't be too careful.

this also goes for blokes who "look at you funny" , dress a bit too nicely ,
and discuss wallpaper in public.
Dear Shortfuse,

Yes that helps a lot.

I ought to point out that I.. sorry my friend doesn't make a habit of stealing other people's things, they er. just turned up in the back of the the car one day and couldn't give them back after what then happened..

You're right about Gommorrah though and I was thinking of moving somewhere safer like Deepcut.

p.s. All's not lost - I've seen a sock similar to the one Sabre lost up in our TAC. Maybe it's the same one?
in reply to R.S.I.

glad to help , maybe you and sabre can get together and stage a reunion , just like they used to do on Esther , word of advice though , dont let him hug the sock too tight , it'll be like someone standing on a tube of toothpaste.
Dear Shortfuse

When in possession of a home porno, does the male species;

a) Keep it hidden under the bed and just watch alone for wanking purposes

b) Take it in the mess bar and show it to all and sundry

c) Only show a few 'special' friends who have trouble getting laid

If your answer is b or c, what do you suggest a girl should do with the naked pics of him she has?
in reply to moody.

the answer is probably a.

the reason for this, is most of the rest of the world isn't quite ready to watch your "war face" , and a united nations accord , signed last year strictly prohibits the use of "terror porn"

in regards to the pics of him

f*ck it , post them on a gay website , with his name and address , and a short note about wanting some hot c-ock action.
Dear Uncle Shortfuse,

Mine is a work related dilemna.

If I am on duty is it ok to flick the bean at the desk or should I go into the "ladies" and do it there?

If desk is ok should it be on top of desk loud and proud or under desk and discreet?

If the ladies option cubicle or on the basin benchtops?

Please this is really urgent.....

Dear Shortfuse,
friends of ours have recently had a bouncing baby boy. I have been asked to stand as Godfather to the little oik. The thing is.. he really is an ugly little b*stard. Most babies look a bit like Churchill (I think this is cos we won the war) but this thing is Gollum with cross eyes. Should I accept and then be lumbered with having to adopt the gargoyle should his parents be tragically killed or refuse on the grounds that he will ruin the photos. As a second point he looks nothing like my mate, his missus insists that the sprog was 5 weeks early but by my ready reckoner if he was on time then his dad was in Iraq at the time of the conception. Should I bring this up at dinner?
for Mizkrissi.

masturbation at work falls under the new health and safety legislation , a risk assessment will need to be done , and any possible dangers/injuries will need to be fully discussed.

if you're going to crack one out in the lav , double up by having a dump at the same time , this will save your company time and money , and you can fantasise about being done up the wrong 'un as you drop the kids off at the pool.
for FTYTD.

do not under any circumstances accept this sub standard child , as a possible god child , it will be a f*cking millstone around your neck ad infinitum , at the first possible opprtunity arrange for the ugly little f*ck to have an "accident"

reconsider your friendship with people who could produce such a mutant , are either of them of the "gwar" persuasion?
if they are , report them to the police , gwars are forbidden to breed .... it's the law.
Do you lot have nothing else to fecking do except sit around in MOD time and talk about fecking handjob socks, mutant fecking babies, getting it up the Arrse and homemade porn. Is it me or are all you people fecking insane.
PLEASE, PLEASE help me Dear Shortfuse. I feel I am getting fecking addited to this ARRSE site and it is screwing up my chances of promotion. My work is never in on time and I find myself in fantasy land. I too lost my Sock, but I had to exchange it the stores as there was a big hole in it and stuff kept leaking out of it. The fat arrsed storeman actually billed me, as he said in his big fat voice "this is not natural fair, wear and tear so sign this P1954" The new sock does not feel the same, as I had to pay for it. Fecker.

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