Dear Don, this man should be an arrsser

ugly

LE
Moderator
#1
Dear Don IFL
Dear Don,
Valentine's Day is coming up, and this is the first one with my girl. I'm not a real romantic guy and I know she expects something special, besides some half-dead flowers and an overpriced meal, so do you have any ideas/tricks I can use to please my lady and get me some booty this Valentine's?

Here’s what you do. Obviously, you’ve got a computer, so go on the internet and find a place that sells really nice wine. Next, print off a picture of the one the fancy bottles of wine, one of the real expensive ones. Then glue it on top of a cheap bottle.

You see, women like expensive stuff because it means you care enough to spend your dough. My guess is she wouldn’t know a cheap bottle of wine from an expensive one anymore than she’d know a wristlock from a wrist watch. So let her think it cost you a bundle. It’s still got alcohol in it, right?

Once that’s done, do the same thing with a box of chocolates. She’ll like that.

When she comes over to your house you give her the wine (Go to a local Winery) and the chocolates. Watch how excited she gets. Once she’s in a good mood you give her two choices: either go out to a strip club or stay in and some watch some fights.

Either way, it should be a pretty good night
What do you reckon sage advice?
 
#2
Personally I think he should neck the bottle of wine before she arrives, then hit her over the head with it as she comes through the door. He can then tie her up, gag her, and anally rape her all night long without spending so much as £4.99 on a cheap bottle of plonk.
 

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