Dear Aunty Arrse

#1
A ‘mate’ of mine has a problem; his missus’s elder sister is staying with them for a few weeks while she has treatment for cancer at the local hospital, it came up in conversation that his sis in law is a virgin.
The reason Mary (for that is her name) held on to her cherry for the last 55 years are apart from the fact she fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, she has the personality of lint and due to a nasty birth defect which left her brain damaged, the IQ of a common house brick.
My ‘mate’ sort of feels sorry for the Virgin Mary and has the raised the questions:

A: Should he give her the ‘Good News’ before the cancer takes hold and put a smile on her dial before she gets ‘Returned Unopened’?

B: Wait until the chemo/radio therapy kicks in and she gets the diarrhea and vomiting before going for some sleazoid ATM action?



PS. Will my ‘mate’ go to hell?

Yours in confidence :twisted:
 
#3
Tell your (mate) to go for it, Cider is good for that sort of thing..........Virgin at 55 obviously never walked through a garrison town...........oh yes there is an ARRSE section in Hell were we will all burn......
 
#4
It's not your "mate" who is riding to eternal damnation. An unused snatch is an affront to God and nature! It's obvious that heaven has taken a hand to punish the miscreant with cancer. She can still save her soul by seeking solace by joining the "Fallen Sisters of Covent garden" or the "Wandering Sisters of Kings Cross", in their ministry to ugly monied men.

After all Jesus married a brass, did he not!
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#5
As a fellow virgin myself I can only applaud her diffidence, her purity and life choice. It is a brave and hardy soul today who rails against the immorality, the sin, the eternal carnal cravings! We should be strong. We should be moral and upright.
Join my crusade! Restore viginity.
 
#7
Can you PM me your "mates" details, ill pay a significant amount of money to have a bash on a cancer riddled old virgin! they just dont make them like that anymore
 
#8
He should hire a gigolo to do it for him. Failing that I'm sure you'll find someone on here to do it for a small fee. If he does it himself, then option B is the only way forward.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#11
devexwarrior said:
old_fat_and_hairy said:
Restore viginity.
There are clinics that can do that for you-the web has b4 and after photos....so I'm told :oops:
Will it work for me?
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#13
TheSnake said:
Has she got a pointy chin?
Give over with the chin, already! #

Here is a poor and very unwell lady, with a limited timeline, a suffering family, and a hard working and dedicated staff doing their best for her, and all you can think of is her chin.

You won'r notice it, not if you take her from behind, and that will allow her colostomy bag to function still.
 
T

TheSnake

Guest
#14
It's not that OFnH...I would give anything one.
It's just that i have 2 pickled onions left in my jar that i'm having problems reaching...that's not being selfish is it?
 
#15
Surely, if your 'mate' *koff* were any sort of a decent bloke he would not only give her the Good News but would invite a bunch of mates around so that she can catch up on all the inches/feet/yards she's missed over the years?!
 
#17
If you were any sort of man you would do her while she's on kemo - dicks that glow in the dark are so this season.
 
#18
spitlock said:
Can you PM me your "mates" details, ill pay a significant amount of money to have a bash on a cancer riddled old virgin! they just dont make them like that anymore
I'll pay double what he's offering.

Reminds me of that scene from Fight Club when the chick at the cancer support group pipes up about lubricants, porn and amyl nitrate in the hope of one last ride before she snuffs it, and all her so called 'mates' fanny out. Thats not support, thats just wrong.

And yes, anyone who has contributed to this thread (and MDN) is going to hell.
 
#19
My 'mate' just invited me round for a "spitroast" :? this weekend.


Should I take red or white wine :?
 
#20
Didosdadsdogsdead said:
My 'mate' just invited me round for a "spitroast" :? this weekend.


Should I take red or white wine :?
I can't improve on Warren Zevon's advice: 'Lawyers guns and money'. And amyl.
 

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