Dealing with Snakes

Discussion in 'Armed Forces Jokes' started by Bad CO, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. Bad CO

    Bad CO LE Admin Reviews Editor Gallery Guru

    With thanks to sknn & others:

    How the British armed Forces deal with Snakes:

    1.Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

    2.Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

    3.Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

    4.Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

    5.Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake

    6.Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

    7.Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

    8.Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”.

    9.Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

    10.Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

    11.TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

    12.RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

    13.Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

    14.Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

    15.Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.

    16.Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

    17. Ministry of Defence: Initially denies knowledge of snake, but subsequently admits that snake was acquired on advice of intelligence services and secret legal advice. Announces inquiry which will lead to prosecution of service personnel who handled snake, whilst exonerating government ministers.

    18. The Scum: Invents lurid story about soldiers from 'elite' RLC laundry unit taking part in strange rituals involving snakes.

    19. Phil Shiner: Travels to snake's location and offers to represent snake in action against the Army, but is run over by armour as indistinguishable from other snakes.
    • Like Like x 1
  2. R.e.m.e.:Finds snake,teaches it health and safety,and COSHH regs,then crushes it in P.A.C change.Snake dies
  3. French Foreign Legion: Parachute in to build fort while French Government attempt to sell arms to snakes. Legionnaires sent home in disgrace after having sex with snake. Medals all round.
  4. OTC: Is not experienced enough to deal with snake. Waits until end of weekend, takes snake to Student Union, gets drunk, sleeps with snakes fat freind. Snake dies of embarrassment.
  5. MPs interrogate snake by screaming near it's head changing shifts every four hours, no response, take it onto drill square and verbalise it for further two days, no response. Decide snake is deaf and send to Shepton Mallet and solitary confinement for five years.
  6. RMP - Snake dies of internal bleeding after "falling down stairs".
    Army Legal Service - Snake declines to bite - citing professional courtesy.
    Joint Services Command and Staff College - "Get that blasted snake off the Fairway".
    Cavalry - Treats snake with haughty disdain and rustles Daily Telegraph angrily, as snake having no impact on primary objective - to hold Knightsbridge at all costs.
    Royal Navy Submersible Assets - Loiters for 3 months looking at most likely snake choke point, misses snake swimming past, sails home for 3 for 2 Brothel special towing 3 fishing trawlers in its wake.
    RMAS Cadet - Snake killed by FLOPPE ND - hushed up as Cadet is son of Middle East King and has Diplomatic Immunity.
    RLC - Snake crushed to death by Drops pallet, Dehydrated, Folded and stacked under Serpens Python Carpet Jungle Green Olive Drab (Officers) for the use of.
    MoD Guards Service - Fails to Spot snake entering secure facility as they are on a Tea Break.
  7. MoD Civil Service: Attempts to cull 1 in 3 snakes in a desperate bid to cut back on it's annual public sector snake-wrangling budget. Snakes take revenge by slithering in the back door over the next few years, carrying out exactly the same snakey jobs they were previously doing and charging double.
  8. A true snake story happened in the Eagle a Pub frequented by Royal Marines in the 80ties. Probably is now. In fact it is was 1981 and there were some punk rockers still about.
    Well, said punk rocker thinking he was nails and not knowing that on a Saturday Lunchtime this bar was basically 42 Commandos LTS decided he would go into the pub and frighten people with his pet python he had just purchased for 50 quid and had just came from the indoor market next door where he had had a good gag frightening little old ladies shopping.
    Mark an army commando was sat with his big oppo Bisto. Well the punk rocker stuck the snake in Bistos face and as Bisto said later it bite me so I bit it he bit its head off.
    Bisto posted the dead snake in the post office box outside and then proceeded to chase the Punk Rocker up the high street before giving him a good slapping.
    This did hit the local news TSW then and I laffed my bollocks off as the news reader recounted the story. I could tell he was trying not to laff.

    The end result Bisto did get nicked and the copper being an exbooty helped him big time as did the judge who was ex RN who thought the story was amusing. I think he said something along the lines of how do you expect a snake to go into a pub of pissed up bootnecks and not get its head bitten of.

    Bisto got fined 50 quid the cost of the snake and it did not effect his career as he ended up Shakey Boats.

    Mark left the Army that year and was last seen being escorted off of one of the ships going down south as his mates had smuggled him on board hoping he could miss out on the paper work and just get stuck in.

    As for me I was talking to a punk rocker who said to me you are the first marine who has spoken to me they normally just hit me...oops he should not have said that...
  9. Very funny - in fact the whole thread is hilarious x
  10. here a true story that happened 6 weeks ago during the floods in queensland,our snake population is a bit higher than average, and we have 7 of the top venomous species in the world actually very prevalent here on the darling downs, a young married couple from the city who recently moved into town , no experience with wrigglies at all , follow the advice of the locals to always keep a shotgun handy in case snakes find their way into the garage or house, hubby returns home from work , wifey proudly shows him the bits of a 2metre king brown snake she had shot, then she showed him the bits of the dishwasher, fridge and and kitchen cupboards which she had also Shot!!thinking of invting her over our kitchen could do with a facelift.
  11. It was 1989 and there was quite a bit of shit in the NOTW about bullying in the Army, usual shite, it was devil dogs who got demonized next.

    Nods, RM recruits to anyone else, well I was on a Team training nods, my first troop, and it was a great experience and I was still learning the ropes then. I did eventually end up as Ming the merciless on the AACC. I believe the AACC called me something else.

    I was fascinated as I noticed one of the old hands on the Team ordering a nod to put his hand in an empty bag rat.

    The Nod was breaking into a cold sweat and being watched by the remainder of the troop who were in on the gag as they had watched the cpl place a dead snake in the bag and were laffing their bollocks off at his discomfort.

    Now there were quite a few snakes on the common during summer and Ginge the Cpl had seen this recruit react badly when he saw a snake previously. Now knowing they would one day have to become pissing up buddies was not impressed.

    As it happened that day, as ginge was watching his section, he noticed a Sidney cozy up to his boot and he stamped on it and suddenly had a wizard wheeze. He placed it in his empty scoff bag thinking he could help cure a phobia and have a gag at the same time.

    Well for the first and only time in my career I saw a Nod refuse an order and he about turned and ran like fuck. Of course the remainder are now doing dead ants and ginge threw out the dead snake in disgust issuing all sorts of threats.

    The lafter soon stopped as said laffing nods also got up and dispersed el pronto as a live snake, very pissed of by this time having been invited to lunch had a thick head but no run a shore and started to slither amongst them.

    The snake was not dead but stunned, ginge had just asked a recruit to put his hand into a bag containing an adder who had not imbibed .

    The recruit instinctively had just saved the cpls career and a NOWT had one less article to slag the forces off with.

    I learned that day don't fuck around with snakes unless you have had a few beers together first.

    If only that python had been allowed to get the wets in first...he also would have learned a lesson.

    I would ike to think if |I found a Sidney in my kitchen I would have the good manners to offer him a wet and last cigarette before getting out the mess webley.
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Nice post :)
  13. BuggerAll

    BuggerAll LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Puts me in mind of another old old but good 'un:

    The reason the RN, RM, Army and RAF bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language.

    For instance , take the simple phrase " SECURE THE BUILDING "

    The Royal Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors .

    The Marines will mount cunning and skilful assault kill everybody inside and set up a FOB.

    The Army will post guards around the place .

    The RAF will approach the nearest estate agent and take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy .
    • Like Like x 3
  14. Anyone got a booty to army translation book???? :shock:;-P