Dealing with Chav Gobshites at 35,000

Just read this in the Cabin Crew forum of the Professional Pilots Rumour Network; the experience of a member of cabin crew with a charming passenger and I was wondering how Arrsers would have or would like to have dealt with this wondrous example of British gentleman:

Walking through the cabin this morning...

Any tea, would you like some tea, lovely cup of tea...

Pax waves their cup in my face

(Is that a "yes please, I'd love a brew")

Plonks it on my tray without a word.

I pour in the aforementioned beverage.

Pax removes cup, and states "sugar".


"I'm not stupid, I can understand whole sentances" but instead of saying anything I simply smiled and invited them to help themselves from the bowl on the tray.

Off I trot down the cabin when I hear pax shouting "I wanted coffee you f**king idiot"

What what what??? Now my back is up.

"What part of my saying tea, tea, tea lead you to believe I was serving coffee?"

"Don't speak to me like that, I pay your f**king wages. Go and pour this shit down the sink and get me a f**king coffee"

I stared at him, then continued on because I really didn't know what to do or say other than f**k off you f**king c**t! I now of course have thousands of cutting comebacks.

This "gentleman" was travelling with his wife and two children. What a great example to set them.

I'm not sure if this should be posted somewhere else but I'd like to know what other crew would have said / done to this guy.
I would have rammed the trolley into his kneecap on the way back.
I would keep a bottle of laxitive liquid specially for dealing with scum like that, make sure you dose them constantly throughout the flight....
I'm in keeping with testing to see if the laws of gravity have altered...if I stick this tea pot up your arse will it evenutally come down? or; see if he hits the ground before the tea pot...from 33,000
I personally would have beaten the cnut to death with an overpriced mini tub of pringles, then doused his corpse with miniatures and set him aflame. Before buggering his smouldering carcass with a 1/32 scale model of a jumbo jet.
In this day and age, shouting "no, no, don't suicide for Allah, you jihadist bomb-belter", whilst wrapping the trolley around his knapper, would probably have made his life interesting...
May have been time to mention to the captain about the aggressive passenger and ask what the chances of diverting to offload him were? I think that mention of being dropped off anywhere other than the planned destination and be arrested and charged for the diversion may make him wind his neck in.
You don't mention if any other passenger said anything to the ferking idiot. If I'd been the passenger in front of him I'd have turned round in my seat and done the Arnold Schwarzenegger pencil snapping trick to shut little kids up, but with his neck!


PS Of course I would then wake up and realise that this puny fecker couldn't break a pencil!!!


Book Reviewer
Jesus, a little more thought, a little less action chaps. Cool your frocking jets, you know?

I dont know what I would have done, being a follower of Mahatma Ghandi in all, but lets see...

We're at 35,000 feet, on a big flying thing that can suddenly bounce up and down... I'm holding a pot of scalding liquid and some cnut is giving me lip?

Hmmmm.... tough one....

I'd of probabally said "Sorry Sir". Because I live to fucking serve. I really do.
No need for exotic revenge. Simply tell the prat that you wont be serving him till he learns to behave in an acceptable manner. In my experience, this approach nearly always works. If it doesn't, break out the handcuffs and call ahead to have him met by local police.
smash the teapot over his head.

and ask his wife if he was a fuckwit when she married him.

possibly crack her with the teapot aswel, just for good measure.

smile politely at his kids.
i would have gave him a cup of hot beverage to the face then proceeded to open the door and throw him into oblivion
The list is endless. Laxative in his next brew would have been the best move after you have bolted all the bog doors shut and asked the pilot to find a load of turbulance to fly through. Alternatively, do the laxative and nick all the bog rolls. Failing that, kick his face in.
Ask him whether he can fly? Then proceed 2 tell him if he dosen't apologise and shut the f**k up he really needs 2 learn... quickly
As usual a varied and original clutch of responses, well done everyone, take the rest of the day off.

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