Dead Bird

#1
Had an old German Frau at the Guardroom today, really upset and depressed.
Asked her whats up , she replied, do you know, Jahn weg, i said yes, she said and i quote, " the number 22 they have a dead pigeon in their garden and its been there a week now, and its really upsetting me, i have to look at it everytime i walk past,".
Not telling her that the guy is on tour in Afghan, i said why dont you nip over the fence and put it in a bag and get rid of it.
She said, Oh no, we all know the British shoot trespassers on sight. I said no they dont, she replied they did with my father in 1945 when all he wanted to do was borrow the sacks, i said what sacks, she said with the guns in it. So i said it will rot away, she replied just like my father: Then in perfect English called me a Bastard and said i deserved to go to hell.at which point i said you speak good english, she said i know, so i told her to fuckoff and come back when she sees a human body lying there.I expect the Gestapo at any minute.
 
#2
Had an old German Frau at the Guardroom today, really upset and depressed.
Asked her whats up , she replied, do you know, Jahn weg, i said yes, she said and i quote, " the number 22 they have a dead pigeon in their garden and its been there a week now, and its really upsetting me, i have to look at it everytime i walk past,".
Not telling her that the guy is on tour in Afghan, i said why dont you nip over the fence and put it in a bag and get rid of it.
She said, Oh no, we all know the British shoot trespassers on sight. I said no they dont, she replied they did with my father in 1945 when all he wanted to do was borrow the sacks, i said what sacks, she said with the guns in it. So i said it will rot away, she replied just like my father: Then in perfect English called me a Bastard and said i deserved to go to hell.at which point i said you speak good english, she said i know, so i told her to fuckoff and come back when she sees a human body lying there.I expect the Gestapo at any minute.

Just add 100 crushed aspirin to what you have been drinking and do us all a favour
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#3
So you did not do chest compression and mouth-to-mouth on the pigeon?

Heartless bastards like you are the reason the Islamic world hates us.
 
T

trowel

Guest
#4
Had an old German Frau at the Guardroom today, really upset and depressed.
Asked her whats up , she replied, do you know, Jahn weg, i said yes, she said and i quote, " the number 22 they have a dead pigeon in their garden and its been there a week now, and its really upsetting me, i have to look at it everytime i walk past,".
Not telling her that the guy is on tour in Afghan, i said why dont you nip over the fence and put it in a bag and get rid of it.
She said, Oh no, we all know the British shoot trespassers on sight. I said no they dont, she replied they did with my father in 1945 when all he wanted to do was borrow the sacks, i said what sacks, she said with the guns in it. So i said it will rot away, she replied just like my father: Then in perfect English called me a Bastard and said i deserved to go to hell.at which point i said you speak good english, she said i know, so i told her to fuckoff and come back when she sees a human body lying there.I expect the Gestapo at any minute.
Why didn`t you go and move the dead pigeon for her? Is your arse welded to your chair? Lazy sod.
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#5
Gen dit; my mum's mate who once had a bit part in Brookside, was looking after my hamster Mr Wibberley, when we went to Barbados on a family holiday.

Unfortunately Mr Wibberley carked it while we were away, so my mum's mate gave him one fingered CPR and he came back to life for a few days.

Then he died again.




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TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#6
my hamster Mr Wibberley,
You called a hamster Mr Wibberley? Mr Wibberley?

No, I make no judgement on any man. You call your hamster what you want.

Mr Wibberley. Jesus fucking wept. Mr Wibberley.
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#8
You called a hamster Mr Wibberley? Mr Wibberley?

No, I make no judgement on any man. You call your hamster what you want.

Mr Wibberley. Jesus fucking wept. Mr Wibberley.
It had been my intention to call him Mr Willoughby after a character in one of my favourite novels.

Unfortunately I was a bad speaking fuckwit of a three year old and Mr Wibberley stuck.

So there.

Your mum.


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#9
Gen dit; my mum's mate who once had a bit part in Brookside, was looking after my hamster Mr Wibberley, when we went to Barbados on a family holiday.

Unfortunately Mr Wibberley carked it while we were away, so my mum's mate gave him one fingered CPR and he came back to life for a few days.

Then he died again.




Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
Mr Wibberly thinks you're a cunt.

hamster.jpg
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
#14
#15
I wonder how the pigeon died? Its unusual to see dead birds, I mean there are millions of them but you don't see many dead ones, do they live forever.

Plus, how did your mums mate know where to do compressions on a hamster, bill oddie Walt?
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
#19
#20
Pigeons go to disused industrial buildings to die. Go to any old abandoned factory and it'll be ankle deep in dead pigeons guaranteed.


Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
Oh yes indeedy.
They demolished an old bus maintenance garage here recently & the upstairs storage space was two feed deep in dead pigeons, pigeon feathers & pigeon shit.
So were the water filled inspection pits.
It fucking honked downwind of the site once the roof was off & only stopped honking when they concreted over the pits.
 

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