Dead Bird

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by kaiser, Nov 20, 2012.

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  1. Had an old German Frau at the Guardroom today, really upset and depressed.
    Asked her whats up , she replied, do you know, Jahn weg, i said yes, she said and i quote, " the number 22 they have a dead pigeon in their garden and its been there a week now, and its really upsetting me, i have to look at it everytime i walk past,".
    Not telling her that the guy is on tour in Afghan, i said why dont you nip over the fence and put it in a bag and get rid of it.
    She said, Oh no, we all know the British shoot trespassers on sight. I said no they dont, she replied they did with my father in 1945 when all he wanted to do was borrow the sacks, i said what sacks, she said with the guns in it. So i said it will rot away, she replied just like my father: Then in perfect English called me a Bastard and said i deserved to go to which point i said you speak good english, she said i know, so i told her to fuckoff and come back when she sees a human body lying there.I expect the Gestapo at any minute.

  2. Just add 100 crushed aspirin to what you have been drinking and do us all a favour
    • Like Like x 1
  3. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    So you did not do chest compression and mouth-to-mouth on the pigeon?

    Heartless bastards like you are the reason the Islamic world hates us.
    • Like Like x 8
  4. Why didn`t you go and move the dead pigeon for her? Is your arse welded to your chair? Lazy sod.
  5. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Gen dit; my mum's mate who once had a bit part in Brookside, was looking after my hamster Mr Wibberley, when we went to Barbados on a family holiday.

    Unfortunately Mr Wibberley carked it while we were away, so my mum's mate gave him one fingered CPR and he came back to life for a few days.

    Then he died again.

    Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
    • Like Like x 2
  6. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    You called a hamster Mr Wibberley? Mr Wibberley?

    No, I make no judgement on any man. You call your hamster what you want.

    Mr Wibberley. Jesus fucking wept. Mr Wibberley.
    • Like Like x 13
  7. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    Cocknosher, Throgmorton or Throat-Beast are names for hamsters, Mr Wibberley is the name for a penis at a major public school.
    • Like Like x 7
  8. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    It had been my intention to call him Mr Willoughby after a character in one of my favourite novels.

    Unfortunately I was a bad speaking fuckwit of a three year old and Mr Wibberley stuck.

    So there.

    Your mum.

    Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
    • Like Like x 4
  9. Mr Wibberly thinks you're a cunt.

  10. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

  11. Special Patrol group is a good Hamster name.
    • Like Like x 8
  12. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

  13. Good name for a pantie hamster...
    • Like Like x 1
  14. ancienturion

    ancienturion LE Book Reviewer

    Better than some of the names they're using for hedgehogs.
    • Like Like x 2
  15. I wonder how the pigeon died? Its unusual to see dead birds, I mean there are millions of them but you don't see many dead ones, do they live forever.

    Plus, how did your mums mate know where to do compressions on a hamster, bill oddie Walt?