DE Officers - Help Smash the Alien Body Snatcher Plot

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by cernunnos, Nov 22, 2007.

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  1. We are all aware that DE officers are all blood sucking body snatchers from the planet fuc’ktard in the Pon-C quadrant. Official proof is however lacking. It is apparent that the green gilled parasites in human form use code words and a secret language to try and identify themselves to each other.
    Please use this link to record any strange encounters of the DE kind you may experience. The information we collect on the alien codes can then be used to smash the fiendish space tadpoles.

    One of my own encounters, years ago, was of a young officer trying to be matey:

    “Do you read Corporal Cernunnos?”
    “I read my charge sheet yesterday Sir”
    “No I mean a good book at bedtime, I like Tolstoy myself.”
    “I prefer to get under the covers with a well thumbed trollop” I answered honestly.
    “Ah yes Barchester!” he beamed at me.

    Does anyone know where the planets Tolstoy or Barchester may be located. I think this may be an important clue!
     
  2. an anonymous 2Lt of the Highlander variety attached to our coy for a period of "maturing and operational experience"was placed in charge of his first operation, in the southern most area of the county of Armagh. 30 mins into said operation the radio crackled into life.

    (obviously ive translated radio speak)
    2Lt: TFR request pick up and relocate.
    TFR: Oh really!! and why would that be? are you not out for the night?
    2Lt: No, just some issues with the target area ill brief you on pick up.
    TFR: sounds interesting!! send grid!
    2Lt: Oh emm ummm wait out.
    TFR: anytime today!
    2Lt: ok ive got one for you grid 12345678
    TFR: (paused for a moment)...No try again!
    2Lt: Eh eh ok 23416785 pick me up there!
    TFR: No try again!
    2Lt: look TFR i dont know what you want from me im doing my best!!!!
    TFR: Well you could try coming north of the thick pink line you twat your in the south!!!


    On finally arranging an agreeable pick up i spoke to the nice 2Lt.

    TFR: what the hell went wrong there?
    2Lt: well after drop off i couldnt get my GPS working and i didnt really know where i was, but i knew roughly which direction to............
    TFR: (cut in ) GPS?? whit the feck did you not use your compass for?
    2Lt: Compass TFR? (he looked puzzled) ........... Ive never used one of them before!!
     
  3. We've known for many years that our technology, however simple does not function in the hands of officers. The reluctance to use a compass and the failure of the GPS system are typical of this. It is thought that DE Aliens emanate some kind of electro magnetic field which fu'cks any equipment more complicated than a paper clip.

    We have tried to build a DE detector based on this theory but it fu'cked up as well. Basically any broken bit of kit is a good indicator of alien presence.

    My tip, if a piece of equipment doesn't work, move it away from the officer, or kill him.