Dangers of the trapped trump

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Porridge_gun, Sep 4, 2012.

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  1. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    With the summer months being upon us I tend to go commando rather a lot, leaving my testes free to swish about in my shorts leaving them fresher reducing the need for knacker laquer and the temptation to whip em out an air them in inappropriate places.

    In the driving position, legs semi parted you have to raise either one or both cheeks to aid successful farting. Am currently suffering from tendonstis so with little strength in my left arm and thorough agony if weight placed on it, vehicular buffing is more of a chore than a pleasure and am ashamed to admit I haven't been placing a lot of effort into it.

    Yesterday, whilst in the car with my nipper, she recognised the signs of an imminent stench from daddies mud button, the clenched face, the effort of the squeeze and the audible and joyous rapture emitting from my Olympic standard anus saw her reaching for the car window, with the squeal, "no daddy no"

    Nothing, no scent, no marsh cloud, no convulsions from my daughter. She even commented that usually such a loud one stinks and the look of relief on her face almost disappointed me.

    About four or five minutes later I had to reach over to the glove box to get some change for the toll road. It was then that a new and strange phenomenon occurred. As I moved, my scrotum moved, and along with it a bubble of vapour in trump form flew up the side of my sack and out into free space, encased within the bubble was a smell that would fell the largest of creatures. My nipper, not being a large creature turned a different colour and reached for the window screaming at the stealth and unfairness of the delivery.

    I began to explain that I hadnt trumped but the trump had become trapped in the moist but perfectly sealed area under my biffins bridge, allowing me to inadvertently hold and retain a trump outside of the body. I soon realised this was lost on her and perhaps wasn't what she wanted to hear.

    This got me thinking last night that I must have created an airtight seal with my ball sack, today am going to write to NASA to suggest that airlocks, space helmets and space shuttles are insulated with scrotums.

    Has anyone else found an alternate use for a scrotum or found a new means of trump delivery to an unsuspecting audience?
    • Like Like x 13
  2. I used my ball sack for decorating cakes!
  3. Tea bagging would be the obvious alternative use. Particularly on large bald men.
  4. Do you have leather seats?

    Because if you've got cloth ones, you could deliberately keep the trump trapped as described allowing the fragrance to diffuse into - and be absorbed by - the seat, thus adding a new anti-theft device to your pride and joy.

    Don't forget to tell the insurance company.
  5. When I still had my colostomy, I used to gather quite a lot of wind in that bag, depending on who I was working with I'd either go into the bog and open the drainage flap squeezing all the air out and getting out of there before the stench got to me or I'd remain in the office, turn round in my chair and pretend to be inspecting the seal on the bag whilst carefully undoing the velcro on the drainage part and carefully squeezing out the air. It was then just a simple repositioning of the fan to ensure the smell was wafted in the general direction of the victim. The smell it sometimes produced reduced grown men to barfing wrecks. All fun with the bag stopped though the day I was setting up one of the winging knackers I work with. I started my day with an English breakfast bin lid, then had 4 Caramac's and a bag of American Hard gums, plus an apple. I sat back, undid the Velcro and started pushing out the air. What I hadn't accounted for though was the eggs in the bin lid were coming back to haunt me. As I squeezed out the air, there was a sound like rushing water come from my stoma followed by a very warm feeling on my right leg, I looked down to find a Caramac looking goo, which stunk like the very worst off egg smell you could possibly imagine. I gagged, the more I gagged the more shite came out, it was on the chair, floor and cleared the room faster than freaks selling the watchtower. I used to do the same in the car to, but after being threatened with having to walk between Shap and Lancaster I stopped doing it.
    • Like Like x 10
  6. Actually, quite a few years back I was using the hoover to get rid of a load of shite from drilling a hole upstairs, when I got the urge to drop my guts, the sneaky part of the brain kicked in and I pushed the hoover into my daughters room and farted down the hose. Hey presto all my methane was delivered instantly .... much to her dismay.
    • Like Like x 4
  7. Really, I use my arse to crimp fresh homemade pasta myself!

    You should try my Copprolini al Fungi
    • Like Like x 1
  8. As a bonus you can also "re-live" your greatest farts by simply sniffing the seat.

    I'm trying that next time I use the vacuum. Knowing my luck though, I'd fucking follow through.
  9. Must've been a Ninja fart.... silent but deadly.
  10. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    The worse one I did was when I crouched down in front of the TV to,I let rip the loudest fart I've done in a long time,as I reached the peak of the sonic farty boom,I followed thru with a foul smelling gunky mess that unloaded into my undercrackers...
  11. If I tilt my pelvis forward, I can fart up my own fanny! My flaps make a sort of hammock, and the damp cheesiness sticks them together, a bit like crimping the edges of a Cornish pasty. And it tickles when they ripple
    • Like Like x 9

  12. Who says that romance is dead?
  13. Bastard........!

    If a spark from the Hoover had ignited the methane, the fruit of your loins would have been fried to a crisp by your improvised flamethower.
  14. Adds a whole other facet to the 'during shagging fanny fart', a sort of thrust'n'sniff! (scratch n sniff? Baaaad idea...in fact, sniff, bad idea full stop)
  15. In that case you need new filters for your Hoover you fucking skinflint