Daft things you do when your p*ssed!!!

#1
Once when very young I was taken out for a bit of drinkees with the troop.

In my drunken haze, after much cider embibed, I headed for the door marked toilets went up stairs and took a dump. On returning to the bar I was asked by a staffy who was there where I had been? To the toilet I replied. The aforementioned staffy then pointed out that the brass plate on the door that I had gone through was marked "private" not "gents" or "toilets" as I had believed.

I had gone through this door, finding a front door, with yale lock and snooker cues propped against the wall and a pig hair mat. On reaching the top of the steep stairs to my right I had found a corridor and a toilet. First door on the right. Where I had unloaded blissfully ignorant of the fact that your average pub bog does not contain the following...

A bath.
A shower.
Only one bog, not enclosed by a cubicle.
Pretty decorations, shampoo and other products.
A plush sink.

It transpired that I may have sh*t on the landlords own throne!!!

Any other stories?
 
#2
got rather tw@'d one night in York on blastaways... thats Diamond whites and Castaway mixers... think it was Ladysmith Day 94... kitted out in a brand new suit I proceeded to swim in about 3 fountains in the town centre... not long after I was picked up by the local constabulary whilst trying to get me wet kit off and go skinny dipping...

Returned to Stensall where I was sweating like a man polishing the cieling in the guard room with a floor buffer...

oh I laughed whenI was on rikkis a week or so after :D
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#4
out@last said:
discodan said:
kitted out in a brand new suit
Scouser in a suit.............take it you were found not guilty then :wink:

Shell suit mate, shell suit.
 
#5
I was waiting for them remarks lol I knew that would happen but just let it ride coz your insults cannot hurt me ... my windows have barrs of steel!!!
 
#6
chocolate_frog's story reminds me of an incident back in the day.

We arranged a Pl 'smoker' (yes it was that long ago!) somewhere in the depths of rural Norfolk. As far as I remember we had the place to ourselves. The boys, most of whom (to my ears) spoke like characters out of the pages of Oor Wullie or the Broons, were noisy but well-behaved, at least by my standards.

All went well until the landlord decided he had made enough money for the night, and started to turn the lights on and off in that ever-welcome signal. Setting a good example, I politely thanked him and his staff and headed into the lobby, followed by half the platoon, with the Pl Sgt chasing up the rearguard.

Deciding to visit the gents before spending 30 minutes in the back of a 4 tonner, we had just found a likely door when the lights went off again, unnecessarily.

With a certain amount of cursing, the 15 of us groped our way to the far wall and eased springs. Copiously. Cue lights, it wasnt the gents at all, but the foolish landlord's storage room.
 
#8
Once saw a bloke blind drunk in No2 dress attempting to polish his ammo boots by licking them ?
I suppose he actually was fit to lick yer boots then? Mind you, the title of this thread could be the ARRSE motto...
 
#9
We had a guy who, on being dined in to the Bn, became so pished he had to put on his bed with the mattress removed - just the bare mesh and springs - with various buckets placed beneath him to catch his leaking fluids.

We had to stag on with him just in case he needed resus. Sadly this was in the days before digital cameras.
 
#10
I have. (in no particular order)

fallen asleep in a grit bin and pished myself , resulting in chemical burns to my legs.

been arrested for armed robbery (long story)

sneaked out on the pish in the province with a couple of int. types ,sparking a "bit of a kerfuffle" (if i ever get hold of the tower guard at the maze who bubbled me i'll f*cking shoot him) resulting in l/cpl shortfuse going on orders on a SUNDAY morning , and emerging reborn as sapper shortfuse.

fallen out of the back of the "passion wagon" and broken my arm.

woken up in the wrong country (another long story)

been chased across a field by a herd of cows (they're f*cking scarey ALRIGHT !!!) and lost both my shoes.

jumped off bow string bridges into the river weser.

lead a horse from a nearby farm to a mates house and locked it in his bedroom.

as i'm writing this , i'm amazed i've made it this far....
 
#11
shortfuse said:
I have. (in no particular order)

fallen asleep in a grit bin and pished myself , resulting in chemical burns to my legs.

been arrested for armed robbery (long story)

sneaked out on the pish in the province with a couple of int. types ,sparking a "bit of a kerfuffle" (if i ever get hold of the tower guard at the maze who bubbled me i'll f*cking shoot him) resulting in l/cpl shortfuse going on orders on a SUNDAY morning , and emerging reborn as sapper shortfuse.

fallen out of the back of the "passion wagon" and broken my arm.

woken up in the wrong country (another long story)

been chased across a field by a herd of cows (they're f*cking scarey ALRIGHT !!!) and lost both my shoes.

jumped off bow string bridges into the river weser.

lead a horse from a nearby farm to a mates house and locked it in his bedroom.

as i'm writing this , i'm amazed i've made it this far....
I'm impressed! :wink:
 
#13
I've probably done lots of things when drunk, just can't recall them right now. I believe I kissed a lesbian (most deffinately female by the way) last night in a 'gay' bar.... I'm a bloke, and straight... :?
 
E

error_unknown

Guest
#14
The stupidest thing I've done when p1ssed was cycle home across London, in the dark, with no lights.

I had been playing rugby and, glory of glories, we won and thus earned ourselves promotion to a higher division. We started p1ssing it up in the changing room immediately afterwards, then moved on to a local pub. After a couple of hours and about five pints, we decided to move on to our club HQ, which was another pub. I was still able to see properly and walk in a straight line at this stage but it was getting a bit dark and the bike ride included several miles along the A3, then down through Barnes, over Hammersmith Bridge, around Hammersmith Broadway and along the A4 for a mile or so. Phew, made it.

A couple of hours later, and probably another five pints, I decided it was time to go home. By now, walking in a straight line was a distinct effort, as was untangling my hi-vis vest from my daysack, so I didn't bother. First few hundred yards were a bit erratic but I did eventually get the hang of it, so back on the A4 heading into Central London, and somehow or other, wound up at home undamaged.

What a fecking dickhead :oops:
 
#15
shortfuse said:
I have. (in no particular order)

fallen asleep in a grit bin and pished myself , resulting in chemical burns to my legs.

been arrested for armed robbery (long story)

sneaked out on the pish in the province with a couple of int. types ,sparking a "bit of a kerfuffle" (if i ever get hold of the tower guard at the maze who bubbled me i'll f*cking shoot him) resulting in l/cpl shortfuse going on orders on a SUNDAY morning , and emerging reborn as sapper shortfuse.

fallen out of the back of the "passion wagon" and broken my arm.

woken up in the wrong country (another long story)

been chased across a field by a herd of cows (they're f*cking scarey ALRIGHT !!!) and lost both my shoes.

jumped off bow string bridges into the river weser.

lead a horse from a nearby farm to a mates house and locked it in his bedroom.

as i'm writing this , i'm amazed i've made it this far....
Never mind the '' Its a long story'' shiite ... spill the fcukin beans man :D
 
#16
went on the pish with an army mate, and a few civvy mates in london a couple of years ago. last memory was of staggering out of the bar in covent garden........

next memory...mates and I are at a houseboat party somewhere around 9 elms... I, convinced that the party is full of hippy weirdos, begin downing straight jack daniels and chucking the empty glasses at the boat moored next to us...start a fight with some aussie..get chucked out so I figure I'll walk back to my sisters house in hendon....unknown number of hours later... come to in the back of an ambulance, being treated by a pretty, yet rather obese, blonde paramedic. cheekily (or so I think) ask her out for a drink when she finishes shift, politely rebuffed by said scab-lifter....next memory...some hospital in south london, being sternly asked to leave by asian doctor for trying to nick shiny things....next thing I know I'm clambering around a seemingly abandoned and rather derelict boat on the thames, looking for the starter button, convinced I could take the thing for a spin(????)....

and the finale?

wobbling in front of the check in desk at the UJ hotel, asking for a room, being told to eat my burger and chips outside please.

and I still had wallet and mobile!

theories? ran over by said ambulance whilst making my merry way across central london. beaten up and robbed of my change by a troop of girl scouts. or most likely, alien abduction.
 
#17
cdn_spr said:
theories? ran over by said ambulance whilst making my merry way across central london. beaten up and robbed of my change by a troop of girl scouts. or most likely, alien abduction.
If your chocolate starfish hurt you were abducted by anal-probing aliens. Alternatively the Village People took you out for the evening... :wink:
 
#18
superglued 4 chairs and table to floor ashtray to table, lav seats to bowl and bog paper dispenser lids shut :oops:

still no one owns up to who gave me super glue in the 1st place :roll:

i was going to deny all knowledge of said deeds, but as i had almost glued my fingers together, and with residue all over my clothes i copped the guilty charge 8O
 
#19
I was young and new to it all (honest).

Couldn't go home for the weekend so squadron bar it was. Several sherberts later the snow plough (left with keys in for 'emergencies') seemed the best way to avoid walking.

Unfortunately the blown exhaust meant creeping wasn't an option and determined not to be nabbed by the RP's put my foot down and headed for the camp gates. Didn't quite manage the slalom and sent bits of gate far and wide.

Abandoned snow plough a mile or so later but some splitter saw me and made sure I was dobbed in.

25 quid (it was a lot of money then!!) and a few weeks RoP's. :oops: :oops:
 
#20
My 1st deployment we were in Finland. It was the Wrens mess dinner and we all hit the town after in our No.1's.

I got helped back by 2am as I was more than worse for wear. Climbed into ships transport and rested my head on the table. My mate who was with me was joking about and I kept telling him to shut up until I heard the comment "Stupid cow is too drunk" I replied by "Shut the hell up you wanker".

Anyway got back to ship and realised it wasn't my mate who said this it was the SASO (he was up him self to much).

I was feeling ill by this time and the CO was half way up gangway when I ended up puking my guts into the Ogin!

I was BM on gangway at 8am that day and the CO kept asking if I was ok. he made a pipe to the whole ship that people should be gentle around me for my watch.

It was more embarrassing than stupid!
 
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