Dad - Ive met a Soldier!

#1
My daughter will be hitting double figures this year, and it dawned on me that in only a few years from now she will start ‘dating’ boys. That doesn’t bother me too much.

It further occurred to me that she lives not far from a garrison that if I had to hazard a guess, is home to between 200-400 REMEs at any one point, and a number of other cap badges; and she will, at some point bump into one or two of them out in town from time to time. But again, that doesn’t really bother me too much (yet).

Then I cast my mind back to a few years ago, whilst having lunch in my line office one day. A mate and former Warrant Officer who I used to work with had a knack of bringing up all manner of topical squaddie adventures whilst I was midway through a ham sarnie, usually involving some scutter he’d smashed in his heyday. Between him and a couple of other fellow WOs he’d meet up with during lunch, they would regularly recall stories of various women’s back doors they’d kicked-in during the Detmold days, going into full details of red wings / brown wings / /tag-teaming / bagpiping /wiping sweetcorn chunks off at the end etc.

I even recall a story about one of their mates taking a lass into the drying room of the guys block to avoid getting caught out, only to emerge sometime later sporting a red face (and totally oblivious to it of course). I wonder if she never told him it was ‘that time’ for a laugh, or maybe to get her own back on the squaddie from last time that never rang her back?

None of this was a major problem though, provided I wasn’t eating sausages or pickle …or anything with sweetcorn in it for that matter. But then one day they were talking about one of our ‘speshul’ blokes in the Sqn. Picture a guy that bears a striking resemblance to the Scottish chicken with gegs on the Chicken Run, a guy who can calculate π to infinity and yet fit a non-return valve the wrong way around. A guy with a Masters in Engineering, yet but will hold a hose pipe to his eye to see why the water’s not flowing out of it (…yet). This guy’s initials were DFT, of which we added to ‘F’ to stand for ‘Fucking’. He was the guy that had only been laid twice in his life, and both times he’d paid through his nose for it too.

So one lunch whilst eating a combination of tuna/sweetcorn sarnies and sausage/pickle, this Warrant Officer, without warning suddenly asks me, “Mate – what would you do if you came home early one night and you found DFT hanging out of your daughter?”

Lunch over.

And I can quite comfortably say I dread the day I hear those words, “Dad, I’ve met this guy, and you’ll really like him – cos he’s in the Army too!”

So my question to fellow arrsers – what would you think if your daughter was dating a squaddie? Obviously, I’m not expecting any serious answers otherwise I’d have posted this in one of them relationship forums, innit?
 
#2
JesterRIP said:
So my question to fellow arrsers – what would you think if your daughter was dating a squaddie? Obviously, I’m not expecting any serious answers otherwise I’d have posted this in one of them relationship forums, innit?
Get yourself a big fook off gun. You know its the only reasonable answer
 
#3
I'd wonder what I'd done to her that she wanted revenge for. Apart from all the sodomy, of course.

Then I'd wonder if she was pregnant.
 
#4
If my daughter were to bring a soldier home, then he would have to be a very nice young man...as indeed will any young man she brings home. If it is a soldier she brings, I will however ask him "What do you do in the soldiers?" and did he aways want to be an "Armyman". I'll go on to ask him if he thinks he might get to be something really senior like a corporal and has he met the Queen - though by then it will probably be the King? I'll ask him if he has his gun with him and whether it is true that the soldiers in red berets have STDs. Finally I'll ask him if he can get me a drive in a Tiger tank. Then I'll take him into my study and show him my "ego-wall".

At which point he will probably turn white, then puce, then white again. At which point I will remind him to have her home by eleven, as I like to lock the gun cabinet up by then.
 

Pob02

War Hero
Book Reviewer
#5
Even shorter time until she joins Cadets:
"Dad, I've met an Adult Instructor . .. . . . . "
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
#6
Fortunately, knowing what a cunt her old was/is, my daughter has decided to stay away from squaddies, unless she's taken a tip from her mum and gone rug muncher and fancies fat Loggie birds ( wife turned 15 yrs after we got divorced before anyone starts)
 

BuggerAll

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#7
Could be worse. Maybe she'll bring home a hippy.

"Don't bring me down, like, Jester man!"
 
#8
Joker62 said:
Fortunately, knowing what a cunt her old was/is, my daughter has decided to stay away from squaddies, unless she's taken a tip from her mum and gone rug muncher ( wife turned 15 yrs after we got divorced before anyone starts)
Yes we heard :lol:
 
#9
johnboyzzz said:
Joker62 said:
Fortunately, knowing what a cunt her old was/is, my daughter has decided to stay away from squaddies, unless she's taken a tip from her mum and gone rug muncher ( wife turned 15 yrs after we got divorced before anyone starts)
Yes we heard :lol:
Only heard?

I used to watch.
 
#14
telecaster said:
Pob02 said:
Even shorter time until she joins Cadets:
"Dad, I've met an Adult Instructor . .. . . . . "
"He was a Para, and in the SAS...."
"...and the government think so much of him that they've got him on some special register."

If mine ever tell me they want to join the Cadets, they'll be Fritzled so fast their feet won't touch.
 
#16
Been there and got the t-shirt unfortunately.
Our daughter never stood a chance, as we put our roots down in deepest Wiltshire, just as she turned 15 - her choices were therefore restricted to in-breeds, squaddies and travellers!
In the past 10 years, I have had the pleasure (!) of interviewing without coffee a total of two squaddies who had the misfortune to be in a relationship with our daughter (for clarification, not at the same time!).
Neither relationship stood the test of time, which was probably due in part to my insistence on them standing to attention and calling me Sir on entering the family home - the bracing up was quite sweet in a way, but it really p*ssed off the chip off the old block.
Thankfully, she is now in her first squaddie free relationship and has even flew the nest - things are looking up!
As she kept throwing back at me - "what's your problem Dad, Mum married a squaddie didn't she?" End of conversation really. :oops:
 
#17
Joker62 said:
Fortunately, knowing what a cunt her old was/is, my daughter has decided to stay away from squaddies, unless she's taken a tip from her mum and gone rug muncher and fancies fat Loggie birds ( wife turned 15 yrs after we got divorced before anyone starts)
I'm not interested in getting my missus to become a lezzer, but I'm very interested in getting her to turn 15 again (actually about 18 would be ideal, but 15 is legal here). How exactly would I go about getting her to do this?

Does it involve the ritual slaughter of goats at midnight at a crossroads?
 
#18
This is the very reason that if I ever have the misfortune of fathering a splitarrse, she'll be getting stuffed into a pillow case with a couple of house bricks and swiftly dispatched into a deep, fast flowing river.
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#19
Dad, I met an RMP!!!!!!
 
#20
B_AND_T said:
Dad, I met an RMP!!!!!!
So?

It's still preferable to an AGC shiny arse. :)
 

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