Cyprus Police Announcement

Cyprus Police investigate using Robocop

The Cyprus News media have announced that the Justice Ministry have placed an order for a 10 prototype robot policemen AKA Robocop. They will carry out a range of enforcement duties.

These armoured robots will initially be deployed from Paralimni Police Station in order to be near to their official agents who can be contacted at Gunships-4U.UK/paralimni.

The US manufacturers state that apart from being a little burlier than the local policemen they are designed to replicate the performance of a real policeman.

According to information provided by a ministry informant, the American manufacturers have carried out an in depth survey into Cyprus Police methods and they stress that they can make significant savings to the force, whilst modifying the robots to conform to local police practises.

For example each normal production robot is programmed to drive a police car in the same manner as their skilled American counterparts, however for the Cyprus version; abilities such as using indicators, mirrors and road positioning have been deleted from the standard setup. Prohibited parking on the approach to corners, zig zag lines and school crossings have also been made optional whilst the robots have been modified to simulate smoking and chatting with rear seat passengers to improve authenticity.

The robots have also been reprogrammed to switch on the blue lights before starting up and will leave them on regardless of conditions encountered on the road. The only exception to this rule being when they are laying a speed trap.

The robot drivers have also had their reaction times significantly enhanced, this has been demonstrated an essential requirement to enable them to tailgate other vehicles at speeds in excess of 120Kmh. Unless this feature was built in it was feared that any human passengers in the patrol car would remark unfavourably on the driving skills of the robots.

Each “Robocop” will be equipped with a row of switches on its back labelled to conform to the campaign of the week, such as checking seat belts, cell phones, pavement parking, drink driving, motor cycles without lights etc. Once one of the switches is selected all other options are de-activated until reset at the station. Robots will be encouraged to ignore all other traffic infringements unless listed on a post-it note on the windscreen.

As a result of protests by representatives of the police force, the test robots will have their RAM reduced to 65K so that they are unable to exhibit better memory capabilities than the officers. Power output has also been reduced to 2.5 watts to reduce their brightness to a correspondingly acceptable level.

A further modification being reprogrammed at the request of the senior civil servants controlling the trial. This is an override process incorporated in the robots’ auditory system. Whenever the words brother, cousin, superior officer, cash and a number of similar classified phrases are uttered by a suspect; the robot’s processor will be rebooted and the memory erased. This is to comply with local custom and practise.

Whilst the US robots have been equipped with the knowledge of a raft of rules and regulations concerning law enforcement, the justice department have requested the removal of this feature in order to reduce the cost and avoid upsetting the public, lawyers and regular police officers.

The smart shining protective uniform of the standard issue Robocop has been modified to suit local conditions; they will now be equipped with crumpled blue overalls and squishy hats, these are to be fitted with cigarette pockets a row of biros and finished off with worn reflective tape for use at night.

A special version of Robocop has been requested by MMAD, this was to have been equipped with special sensors designed to detect covert video filming of their activities. The special has now been removed from the order as their legal defence department have found a simple and cheaper solution to the problem. The robots instead will be fitted with special lead weighted rubber capped boots and gloves to reduce the external signs of suspects falling down whilst being interrogated.

Because of the down rating of the robot’s skills to bring them into line with general Cyprus police requirements, the US manufacturers have also de-activated the weapon handling ability of the prototypes. In the words of the technical representative handling the lowered specification, he said: “No way will I let such a dumb ass handle a lethal weapon in public.”

It is understood that the SBA Police have made enquiries about using the fully operational version of Robocop costing double the price. The base spokesman was unsure as to the final specification, but he confirmed that they would be equipped with pressed serge trousers, white shirts blue tie and shiny peaked hats. Their driving abilities will be fully enhanced and their memory circuits will include up to ten languages including Turkish, Russian Bulgaria and Polish. They will also be skilled in English, Geordie, Scouse, Cockney, Scottish (Highland and Lowland) and Welsh (Cardiff and Swansea) to enhance their role in policing various British military bases on the island.

They SBABOT Mk1 (Military designation) will be fitted with a special text link to enable them to keep up with the Rugby and Football results which will be displayed on a scrolling LED on their helmets.
Very good. I assume that it will also be fitted with a bank note slot (like the petrol pumps) to ease administration of "on the spot fines"?

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