Culled from elsewhere

Discussion in 'Armed Forces Jokes' started by Dwarf, Dec 1, 2011.

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  1. On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

    After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"

    At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there
    was silence for about ten seconds.

    Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"


    A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.

    One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

    "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted."Give this man 30 days
    compassionate home leave."

    "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.

    A few months later the same thing occurred with the same

    "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days
    compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.

    A few months later, same guy, same problem.

    The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this
    man two compassionate home leaves?"

    "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

    "Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

    The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."


    The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

    For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

    He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

    One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."

    After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

    "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

    A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

    The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

    An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

    "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

    "Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?

    • Like Like x 2
  2. AlienFTM

    AlienFTM LE Book Reviewer

    It was Ex Summer Sales 1979. I was sat in a comfy folding seat beside the RSM's Ferret (I had been volunteered to drive him cos his own driver was on a course) in a farmyard where BGHQ 15/19H were located. I had the BG Command Net on the C42 with the headset and mike hanging over the side so that I could be familiar with what was going on before I went on stag. It was going to be another scorcher, I'd just had a Full English Compo breakfast and was savouring a beer (Export iirc, none of this German lager rubbish) before jumping into the back of Zero Bravo, the vehicle I normally crewed, for the stag.

    The "Officer at Headquarters" trying to grip the miscreants was actually C Sqn Signals Sergeant (Command Troop were too busy laughing and not at all up themselves enough to grip the BG Command Net -two stations, B and C Squadrons, Medium Recce: A Sqn was detached as Close Recce - cos after all it was Summer Sales and BGHQ was a very boring place to be on Summer Sales).

    The "small voice" that said, "He's not a very friendly bear, is he?" was actually the very loud and unmistakeable voice of CO 15/19H in his Land Rover, just the other side of the Command Saracens, who had the sort of radio voice that only combat half colonels have.

    Oh how we all larfed long and loud.

    Of course your story may have been a different occasion.
    • Like Like x 1
  3. Carry on Nurse - Shirly Eaton, Hattie Jaques and Wilfred Hyde-White

    Carry On Nurse
  4. The Friendly Bears story was being passed round when Marconi was a bleep. In fact it was a regular occurrence back in late 60's and probably before.

    As a bridgelayer wally op I found that depressing the pressel button a fraction and releasing it caused a click to go out over the airwaves. Soon everyone was doing and the airwaves were alive with clicking. This caused apoplexy to the signals staff and great amusement to us.

    There was one cavalry colonel who used to give orders over the net and who would talk for 20 minutes without stopping, in a languid cav voice. So the rest of the net used to talk over him - chaos.

    Then there was the young cavalry subaltern who stopped for a beer at a German Gasthouse, to be told by the Landlord "I don't serve British soldiers" After being refused several times the young subby is alleged to have shoved the barrel of his Chieftain MBT through the pub window and fired a bag charge, which broke every glass in the pub.

    It is alleged that when the young subby went for his meeting without coffee with the brigadier, the brig told him that his army career was finished. To which the young subby replied "Perhaps, but I will still be a Lord".

    I don't know if the latter story actually happened but it was doing the rounds in 1968 when I joined 2AES.

    One story that really happened was when one of 2AES AVRE's went to a farm owned by a farmer who was not at all well disposed to the British army. He tried to threaten the tank with his shotgun and backed the tank out of his farmyard at shotgun point.

    Unfortunately as the tank had closed hatches because of the shotgun, it ran over several things on the way out, including the farmers car and the farm gateposts.
  5. Back in the late '60s there was a story circulating that a Tp Cdr of a cavalry regiment, having been ordered to move from A to B during an FTX, looked at his map and saw the shortest route was an autobahn several miles of which he then ploughed up with his battle tracks.

    Helped shorten the exercise by more than a bit.
  6. I heard a similar story, Munster '60's, supposed to have opened the breach and shouted down the barrel 'now are you going to feckin' serve us', also they allegedly ripped up the car-park.
  7. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Wasn't that in "Kiss me goodnight Sgt Major"?
  8. "Try not to laugh, Sgt Major" actually ;-)
  9. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

  10. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    But no cigar!
  11. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Nope! That's stuck up Mrs B&T's chuff as we speak. It moistens the leaves and saves me looking like I'm sucking off Linford Christie.
  12. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    Pictures with words, pictures with words.
    • Like Like x 1
  13. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Imagine a bulldog eating a sausage.
  14. Currently on Film 4