I need a bit of help from my fellow arrsers. About a month ago, we got invited to another fcuking dinner party. Now i'm as gregarious and outgoing as the next alky, but they're not my idea of fun. The food was great and the conversation was ok, but it's just not me. For one, there's never enough swearing and the anecdotes are generally a bit watered down for my liking. I always find myself just about to tell a story, before having an internal dialogue and squashing the tale because it won't pass the rigourous low-quality control standards in operation. The problem is that the people we're dining with aren't my mates, hand chosen through years of booze vetting by the Chartered Institute of Bezzerers. They're playground pals that my wife has made. She gets matey with the lady while they're dropping the kids off, and before you know it, it's dinner round at theirs and best behaviour all round. Now I don't mind doing this annually, but she uttered the dreaded words "return the favour" as we were leaving. There were four couples at the dinner party. If my wife returns the favour and invites them all, we're going to end up getting locked into a vicious cycle of one-upmanship. The dishes will become ever more poncey as they try to outdo the previous offering. The food will get smaller as the plates get bigger. They'll be having things without gravy before you know it!!! I've got to nip the whole thing in the fcuking bud and proposed to use the "guard commanders brew" mentality. Remember when you were on guard as a tom, and the fat fcuker behind the desk wanted a brew and wanted you to make it? The simple response was to make him a brew so fcuking gopping, he'd never ask you again. It was worth the fat lip. At least someone else would be his fcuking skivvy. I intend to the same thing, manufacturing a meal repugnant enough to get us fcuked off into dinner party limbo forever. A result all round. I just need some help with the menu. I'll be looking to select my ingredients from that cornucopia of fine dining, "the rat pack." When my guests arrive, i'll have my 7 year old meet them at the door like a little butler. He'll grandly open a deathpack for their delectation, with the words, "Nibbles, Sir/Madam? before handing them, with a set of tongs, a small ham and tomato sandwich. Using excellent prep methods, I will have ensured that the tomato has been drowning the bread for at least 24 hours, rendering the bread pink and inedible. As an extra flourish I shall make certain that the ham has a lovely strip of knicker-elastic gristle running right through the middle. They'll then be served an aperitif of a lukewarm brew, decanted from a Norgy. To get that authentic military taste, i'll make sure that the Norgy was used to dish out a lasagne the day before. As a starter, I thought i'd keep it simple and go for the lazy tom's field breakfast of Baconburger lollies. A lovely, perfectly tin can shaped lump of compressed offal and chipboard impaled on a fork and dripping acidic juice onto the table. I look forward to watching them trying to hold a cultured conversation whilst gnawing on one of those "devils toffee-apples." I'd be very interested to hear of any suggestions for main courses and desserts, or any subtle changes that might help the party swingingly.