Cuisine du Compo

I need a bit of help from my fellow arrsers.

About a month ago, we got invited to another fcuking dinner party. Now i'm as gregarious and outgoing as the next alky, but they're not my idea of fun. The food was great and the conversation was ok, but it's just not me. For one, there's never enough swearing and the anecdotes are generally a bit watered down for my liking. I always find myself just about to tell a story, before having an internal dialogue and squashing the tale because it won't pass the rigourous low-quality control standards in operation.

The problem is that the people we're dining with aren't my mates, hand chosen through years of booze vetting by the Chartered Institute of Bezzerers. They're playground pals that my wife has made. She gets matey with the lady while they're dropping the kids off, and before you know it, it's dinner round at theirs and best behaviour all round. Now I don't mind doing this annually, but she uttered the dreaded words "return the favour" as we were leaving.

There were four couples at the dinner party. If my wife returns the favour and invites them all, we're going to end up getting locked into a vicious cycle of one-upmanship. The dishes will become ever more poncey as they try to outdo the previous offering. The food will get smaller as the plates get bigger. They'll be having things without gravy before you know it!!!

I've got to nip the whole thing in the fcuking bud and proposed to use the "guard commanders brew" mentality. Remember when you were on guard as a tom, and the fat fcuker behind the desk wanted a brew and wanted you to make it? The simple response was to make him a brew so fcuking gopping, he'd never ask you again. It was worth the fat lip. At least someone else would be his fcuking skivvy. I intend to the same thing, manufacturing a meal repugnant enough to get us fcuked off into dinner party limbo forever. A result all round. I just need some help with the menu. I'll be looking to select my ingredients from that cornucopia of fine dining, "the rat pack."

When my guests arrive, i'll have my 7 year old meet them at the door like a little butler. He'll grandly open a deathpack for their delectation, with the words,

"Nibbles, Sir/Madam? before handing them, with a set of tongs, a small ham and tomato sandwich. Using excellent prep methods, I will have ensured that the tomato has been drowning the bread for at least 24 hours, rendering the bread pink and inedible. As an extra flourish I shall make certain that the ham has a lovely strip of knicker-elastic gristle running right through the middle.

They'll then be served an aperitif of a lukewarm brew, decanted from a Norgy. To get that authentic military taste, i'll make sure that the Norgy was used to dish out a lasagne the day before.

As a starter, I thought i'd keep it simple and go for the lazy tom's field breakfast of Baconburger lollies. A lovely, perfectly tin can shaped lump of compressed offal and chipboard impaled on a fork and dripping acidic juice onto the table. I look forward to watching them trying to hold a cultured conversation whilst gnawing on one of those "devils toffee-apples."

I'd be very interested to hear of any suggestions for main courses and desserts, or any subtle changes that might help the party swingingly.
Cheese possessed and lemon screech for afters!
Ahhhhh. Convoy_cock, you are a man after my own heart. If it wasn't for the fact that I am too bone idle to write such a lengthy post as you did, I would have thought I'd written it myself.

Now, I don't really understand this "couples" stuff, being single, but I have made it clear to friends that I no longer do dinner parties and that my preferred evening is a pub crawl and a "ruby". And they are cool with that ..... and still my friends.
Delicious Convoy...perhaps your canapes could be just that, a can of peas, possessed? Or how about those "need a microscope to see it" giant Cornish Pasties from the haverdog rations? They are very chic.

The main course should be baby's head and compo mash, with "ses jus" - or rather the stock drink from the 24 hour pack. The baby's head should be dipped in boiling water to ensure the suet outside is soggy and burningly hot but maintaining the rawness and fridge like quality of the middles. The mash should contain lumps of unreconstituted powder. As a vegetable accompaniment? why "macedoine" of course!

The nasty butterscotch sauce from the dumplings in a bag should also feature but whether in place of dessert wine or as a dish in its own right I leave up to you.

At the coffee and mint stage, compo "Tiffin" bars should be served. Coffee should be drunk from a single '58 pattern mug, with milk and sugar regardless of individual taste, as it is passed "port styley" around the assembled company. I almost wish the Fenian and I were coming but then again it would lack novelty for me and I love my wife too much to inflict that on her. As for your good lady's chums from the school run - they're civvies, fuck 'em.
:D what a cracking idea!
I can highly recommend any of the fine and outstanding 24hr ration meals, transferred to a plate with a wilted lettuice salad to avoid any further dinner parties. Not only will dinner taste perfectly gopping, but also it will look positively foul too - the chicken and pasta is highly recommended for this, incidentally.
The lemon or orange screech can be easily adapted to fashion some semblance of sorbet, but with the bonus that it is so sour that cheeks wil pucker all around the table and eyes may even water if its concentrated enough.
Perhaps you could serve a bottle of asdas cheapest, nastiest plonk (left uncorked and near the airing cupboard for hours beforehand) to accompany the meal.
The treacle brick for dessert, of course.
I suggest a starter of compote of rolled oats with chocolate powder drink, with 3 sachets of non dairy whitener.
Followed by a main course of fricase of chicken in brown sauce, compo mash dauphenouise and a side dish of bicuits brown and meat paste.
Dessert should be a selection of boilies and arabic writing rolo's with a dipping bowl of raw orange screech powder.
Finally a board of cheese possessed and compo coffee infused with wild Soltau leaf mould.

You could also lay on some lightly fried compo sausages as an appetizer, but if anyone tries to take more than one, you should thrash them across the nuckles with a hot ladel and say "ONLY ONE FCUKING SAUSAGE!" Then if a woman takes one, give her a nudge and wink and say "Don't worry, luv. I took the middle one out."
Or why not transport your guests back in time to the halcyon days of the 70s. This decade was truly the golden age of the dinner party. However swap out the mandatory fondue for the ancient ritual of the compo all-in curry, complete mit floating teabags and a single racing spoon.
I very much like the idea of screech sorbets. I would imagine that, after a couple of spoonfuls of that, one's mouth would be so puckered, it would look like Dot Cotton's ricker.

After dinner, I intend to hand out sweets to my guests, as they drink their brews. In keeping with military tradition, I plan to keep all the sweets in a respirator pouch. As soon as it's time, i'll get my wife to shout "GASGASGAS," then pull the rezzy out of the bag, showering eveyone with low quality, Albanian chewing gum.

If i'm going to make it a compo evening, I may as well go the whole hog. Anyone having the cheek to use my bog, will enjoy the dubious pleasure of smearing their sh-it around their arrses with the issue tracing paper.

And anyone who doesn't fill in their range card will be on fcuking panbash.
Condensed milk sandwiches, big spoon of copper sulphate in the teapot and use the Esbit blocks as dessert with strawberry ProNutro sauce.

Edited to add that Esbits are what saffers call hexi cubes.
Cheese cake!

Biki brown base and cheese possessed
with lemon screech on the top.
You could also have as an after dinner game a "who can melt the cheese competition". because in my experience it can not be done!
Beans on toast with a cadburys mini roll for after! :lol:
Guaranteed your guests wont take up any future invitations from you. 8O
Don't forget train smash for afters with biscuits squashed fly to nibble with the coffee coloured dishwater
Presentation is the key to score one-upmanship points..... think of those posh far eastern restaurants where the chef comes to the table and cook your meal in front of you....

Shift the candelabra and plonk the Hexi burners in the middle of the table, offer your guests a choice of menu card and let them choose their own ingredients. Once they have given you their selection of burger & beans, chicken casserole, corned beef hash & chocolate pudding, thank them and proceed to put it all in one mess tin announcing “range stew” it is then!

Save on the washing up by serving in mess tins with “black nasty” taped around the rim so that your guests don’t burn their mouths as they tip them up to eat out of. If the ladies object then concede to the use of a racing spoon only. Once scoff is finished pass round a Hessian sack for any “gash”.

Once they’ve left the table to retire to the lounge, direct them into the “stand to” position around the living room floor and leave them for half an hour before letting them sit down. Just as they’ve sat down avoid all the meaningless small talk by screaming “why are you sitting down when you could be lying down” pointing vigorously to a pile of doss bags stacked up by magazine rack.


Then establish a stag list, ensuring that each changeover involves kicking and shining a torch into the eyes of at least two people whose turn it isn't before reaching the correct party guest.
Hexi-stove and mess tin fondue, with cheese possessed and luncheon meat.
crabtastic said:
Hexi-stove and mess tin fondue, with cheese possessed and luncheon meat.
Have you ever had it????

It cannot be melted! the devils own farts have no impact on this the most evil of all evils.

rumour has it that Saddam and bin liner both like to eat cheese possessed. Therefore its nasty

i quite like it as well. :twisted:
hallveg said:
crabtastic said:
Hexi-stove and mess tin fondue, with cheese possessed and luncheon meat.
Have you ever had it????

It cannot be melted! the devils own farts have no impact on this the most evil of all evils.

rumour has it that Saddam and bin liner both like to eat cheese possessed. Therefore its nasty

i quite like it as well. :twisted:
Actually, I can't recall ever trying to heat it. I'd only occasionally take a bite out of a piece, breaking through that crust of salty goodness, before spitting it out and tossing the rest into the nearest black hole.

Still, the guests could always try adding another hexi-block or two. Shouldn't do the tins any harm...

Don't forget to put the John Wayne out as table napkins, Convoy.
I would eschew the use of mess tins and go for the more modern touch of providing a kit list to your guests. When they arrive, check to make sure they have brought a plate and KFS, which they will then not use because you will serve everything on paper plates, to be eaten with plastic cutlery. The purist, of course, will ensure that one tine of each fork is broken, and that the spoon has been subtly weakened so that it shatters on first contact with pudding.

In case some of them don't know each other, arrange for them to queue up to wash their hands in a plastic bowl on the hall table before going in to eat - that'll break the ice nicely.

Finally, don't forget to serve the coffee with condensed milk and sugar already added.
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