Crisis, What Crisis

Discussion in 'Old & Bold' started by Spank-it, Jun 14, 2013.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Crisis – What Crisis

    So there I was last Friday night just enjoying a pint or six on the patio of my local pub, when one of my mates pipes up about having a mid-life crisis. It appears that having turned 40 the crisis is encroaching upon him, or more to the point, ******* with his mind. Let’s face it after 40 most of us are closer to death than birth. So I got to thinking, which it is not something I normally participate in when I’m under the influence, about what does he, or any other guy for that matter have to look forward to in this situation.

    For me, in my fifties, I wish I could regale him with stories about banging sweet 20 something year old chicks that I’ have poked lately just to prove “I’'ve still got it”, how I wish that was true (just kidding wifey I only have eyes for you). But that sadly hasn't’t happened, neither has any other mid-life dream like having a Ferrari parked in the 6 bay garage, sailing around the word single handed, or climbing Mt Snowden…..wait I did that in Junior Bleeders and maybe climb is too strong a word….bimble would be more appropriate…. why couldn'’t we use the cog railway like everyone else? and what's with climbing a cliff and abseiling down the other side, that's what Helicopters are for!! I actually meant climb Mount Everest. No, the older I get the more I seem to keep busting my ass off at work trying to stay a few months ahead of the bill collector, prevent the house from being foreclosed and moving into a cardboard house under a bridge. Considering my financial retirement portfolio consists of an almost expired lotto ticket tucked into the back of my wallet it may not be that far off.

    Now don’'t get me wrong, I earn good money, live in a very nice house on a waterfront / conservation area, my kids are well adjusted and have good jobs, my wife and I enjoy good health, and we live a very good lifestyle, (having friends with a boat and / or a cottage helps maintain that lifestyle. HeHe, read…..mooch). In my mind I am still 28, (my friends think I am twelve), having said that, is sipping ginseng constantly a solution to the depletion of my memory? Things that happened 1 –or 30 years ago...zip.. It’'s in the brain a.s.a.p., something I said or did 3 minutes or a week ago - …I never said or did that!! The Rolodex just draws a blank. I do (sadly) remember that screwing Fat Chicks was just like riding a moped…..lots of fun until your mates spotted you.

    What’s with the eyes too? No one called me speccy, speccy four eyes until I reached 39 ½. I can still spot a nice pair of tits 1,760 yards away but anything less than 9 point Ariel Black I’m reaching for the glasses. I have fourteen pairs, (1.5 & 2.5), 2 beside the couch, 2 in the bedroom, 1 in the bathroom, 2 in the car, 2 in my toolkit, 1 pair in the wife’s purse, and 2 in each of my work trucks. Pound Land is great btw for reading glasses, I could'n’t afford to keep up otherwise. I love China.

    I may want to visit the gym and buff the 12 pack abs down to a 6 pack but my body says “whoa there horsey, slow down goof”, I’m not fat, but the knees are starting to give way, my back aches way too often, the chiseled good looks are starting to wither, and I get 3” hair strands sprouting out of my ears seemingly overnight. Oddly enough I poo & pee at the same time every morning at 6am, too bad that I wake up at 6:30 but ce la vie. Come to think of it nowadays when I need a piss it HAS to be NOW!!! Not in five minutes, #2’s can wait awhile unless I’'ve been on the Boddingtons.

    Oh Yeah Beer, here’s another issue, for twenty seven years + I could down 12 pints or more in a session without batting an eyelid, I could hold an intelligent conversation (as if) at 2am without slurring, and probably overtake a cop car on the way home without him lighting up the blue & reds and pulling me over. That was then, nowadays I’'m lucky if I down 6 pints without gibbering crap. I have actually head butted the patio concrete floor trying to pick up a dropped smoke. (Incidentally I jokingly tried to sue the pub until they showed the security video of me just going…. LEAN – SPLAT!!!! Did they have to show the vid on all four bar screens, maybe not, but it did teach me a lesson - …twats :)

    Bar fights are out of the picture too, I did'n’t mind the odd punch up especially against mouthy ******* or…….. Gingers. I’'m more like ‘Grandbo’ than Rambo these days, “easy there fella’s no need for things to kick off, I swear I was'n’t letching at your chick...” while waiting for backup, instead of the yesteryear “"hey ! ******** is there a problem ?”" No backup required thank you. Call me Neville Chamberlain I don’t care.

    A few plus’s (that ain’t a word - is it plus’s or plusses or +++?) I can whup the grandson at Snap, Tiddlywinks, Connect Four, you name it. Wrestling not so much. I don’t road rage anymore, although this morning I did yell at a bitch on a bike to “**** OFF ya fat ****”. I appreciate things more. At the pub it is much easier to get hugs off the young uns’ (girls only thank you) without coming across as a super perv, and I don't mind getting titty bumps off the waitresses as they hustle by either. We don’t get Menopause, Viagra is readily available, and….Crap…..I’m going to have to come back to this; the short term memory has gone.

    Not that I mentioned any of this to my buddy he’'s much too sensitive already (a bleeding heart liberal) and if he IS having a crisis he may just off himself. He is thinking about revisiting his youth and touring Thailand and Australia, although personally I think it’s because he misses the Ladyboys and bumming Dingo’s and has nothing to do with a mid-life issue.

    n.b: He knows this post is coming up (he’s a long time lurker on Arrse) and wants me to mention that he is going to Vegas for the week and will be on the pull. Who knew they have rent boys in LV? Btw, The last time I went to Vegas another mate of mine wasted $350 on a 1 ½ minute handjob. I did'n’t mind, he paid.

    The question remains, is there something missing, is hitting the down slope at 40+ a time to just pack it in and wait for the grim reaper to knock on the door ? Is it a time to just let the beer belly droop further to the floor, a time to grow man boobs, replace Rock Tunes with Classical Music, should over 40’s give up wearing trendy casuals and visit a Sally Army to buy old man pants with a matching cardigan ?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    p.s. Any references to real persons are entirely true. For the record any females mentioned are all over the age of 18.
    .
    p.p.s. There is no point in correcting my grammar or pointing out false facts (of which there are a few). I’ve already forgotten I wrote it.
     
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2015
    • Like Like x 8
  2. DieHard

    DieHard LE Book Reviewer

    Your description is far too accurate, nice though

    Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
     
  3. **** me!! I just read that an thought someone had done an unofficial life story on me:(
    I'm older than you and things are alright ..can't drink as much beer as I used to, and if I get an hangover **** it's three days of pain, If you still have good health ? everything else means fuckall.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  4. Yes indeed Spank-it, well said! Where there was once a policeman's truncheon, there is now a short stack of buttons.

    'Filthy fifties' turned out to be a fart and follow through, not deviate sexual adventures.

    Disappointing, but we still live in hope.....
     
  5. What happened did 97% of the Old,n,Bold die overnight ?
     
    • Like Like x 1
  6. DieHard

    DieHard LE Book Reviewer

    nah were still here, i just went to a reggae and ska day in town and believe me there were a few old and bold that i know showing the youngsters how to party

    Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
     
    • Dislike Dislike x 1
  7. OP, for what it's worth, I've just turned 50 and I'm happier than I've ever been. Never expected to make it this far so I view every day as a bonus.

    Don't waste time thinking of what you can't do - focus on what you can do, even if it means taking up new interests. I've got a whole list of new projects to keep me occupied - gardening, fishing (leading on to fish cookery!), singing, dancing and even (god help me) learning to ride the old man's brother's motorbike!!

    (Caveat: your post was rather long and I'm not sure if the "crisis" is experienced by you or your friend ;-) but best wishes to you anyway.
     
  8. OP, well said. It seems you're concerned with passing 40, so let me assure you it's definitely downhill after 60.

    The good news is that young women are happy in your company after 60 as you pose no threat, thus you're free to take smiley young things out and noone bats an eyelid.

    If, like me, you've survived heart attacks and strokes, you have valid excuses never to wear a tie again, people understand when you drop stuff or fall over for no reason, and nobody expects you to graft like a 20 year old.

    It's inbuilt obsolescence, it's going to happen anyway, so sit back and enjoy the ride.
     
  9. Actually, Although the description was about me the post was asking questions for my buddy who turned 40, he is now 42 and the lucky bastard is shagging a 29 yr old. I on the other hand just tapped 59 last week and still trying to tap the 57 yr old Milf who sleeps next to me :)