Cringers

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by Cyclic, Mar 23, 2012.

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  1. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

    My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

    I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

    I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

    I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

    Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .” Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

    Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

    I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

    A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

    The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

    When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing

    Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

    Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

    A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked

    Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service
     
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  2. cheers
     
  3. Tim Vine walt. Good stuff.
     
  4. Brake fluid gag raised a belly-laugh. Got any more?
     
  5. Best of Tommy Cooper?

    THe police arrested a man for drinking battery acid. A man has now been charged.
     
  6. Paddy is on a flight to New York when the Captain makes an announcement over the tannoy and says "Ladies and Gentleman, Today we have made the fastest crossing ever from London to New York in a 747.

    Paddy says " Is that a record sir ?"

    The Captain replies " No that was me speaking"
     
  7. I mainly have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see me without a boner, make me a fucking sandwich.


    Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
     
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  8. Good drills, had me laughing.
     
  9. Ha class...'Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.' - Milton Jones.

    This is probably misquoted but who's this from?
    'I like to go to the park and watch all the children running and jumping. They don't know I'm just using blanks'.
     
  10. My money's on Jerry Sadowitz
     
  11. Sorry for any duplicates but it's a copy & paste job

    1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
    don't start anything!"

    3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve
    food in here!"

    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A
    beer please, and one for the road!"

    6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
    wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

    7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
    taste funny to you?"

    8. "Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The green, green grass of home...'"
    "Hmmmm," replies the doctor, "Sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome." "Doc, is
    it common?" "It's not unusual!!!"

    9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
    Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
    you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

    10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
    look at either.

    11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
    The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes. I'm
    positive...."

    12. Deja Moo --- the feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
    any.

    14. I went to an all-night seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.

    15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
    fire to get warm, the kayak sank. This proves once and for all that you
    can't have your kayak and heat it too!!!

    17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

    18. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replies, "Of course not - I've cut off your arms!"

    19. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No bet, the steaks are too high."

    20. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Hop-Sing-Lee. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.

    21. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet because the dog's eyes were crossed. The vet picks up the dog and examines his eyes. Finally the vet says, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down." The owner asks, "WHY? Just because his eyes are crossed?" The vet replied, "No, because he's really heavy."
     
  12. Just heard there's a cure for dyslexia. This is music to my arse
     
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  13. Nope
     
  14. Please join us in our hopes as the wife's mother stands by death's door at this time. I'd do anything to pull her through.We'd been fearing the worst and my darkest fears were sadly confirmed this afternoon. The hospital said she'll be fine in a couple of days.

    You need to feel handsome and successful? Go drink in fcukin Wetherspoons
     
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