Crap Jokes


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!"

"Why?" asked the brain. The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to
start something."

Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto.

A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears."

Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.

Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's? In Iraq.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I'll Get me coat ;D
I think my jokes i put in the jokes rude and crude bit qualify to be in here,as theyre total crap!!!!

Why didnt the skeleton go to the dance??
Cos he had no body to go with!!

How do you make a snooker table laugh??
Put your hands in its pockets and tickle its balls!!

Thats all my poor brain can think of right now!!!,but ill come up with some more  ;D


This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order
supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.
The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina',
So realistic you can't tell the difference!"
The guy orders one.  Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the
box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks,
so he decides to blow it up.  Once inflated he gets really
turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.
Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out
to the guy.
A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like
Tina' blow up doll you sent me?  I cannot tell you how happy I am."
Supplier, "That's great!"
Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."
Supplier, "Realistic then?"
Guy, "So realistic...I got syphilis." :-[ :-[

A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the
Sahara desert never having seen a woman.  They finally decide
to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend
some time with a woman and tell them all about it.
After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed.
The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his
great escapades.
"And on the third day..." he began.
Everyone hollers, "No!  No!  Start with the first day!"
"And on the third day," the private continues, "she asked
me to stop so she could go to the bathroom."  ;D ;D

A Little Spider Story
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot, stomped
them flat and said,

"Well, we're not having THAT sort of sh1t in our garden."

;D ;D ;D

Somebody elses work but I'll take the credit


An Irishman walking down the street sees a sign in the window of a shop, the sign reads, " Suits £10, Shirts £2"
So he thinks that's great, I could buy a load, take them back to Dublin and make a fortune.

So he goes into the shop and says to the assistant " I'll take all your stock"

The assistant asks "Are you Irish by any chance??"

Paddy replies " Dat's right, how did you know??"
The assistant says " Cause this is a Dry Cleaners!!"                                                                                                                                                                  Permission to laugh Sir??                
A bloke goes into a bar with a meat and potato pie on his head.  He's asks the barman for a pint of lager and is served straight away.  As the barman is giving him his change he looks at the customer's head and says "Excuse me mate, but did you know that you've got a meat and potato pie on your head?"  The bloke replies "Yes of course I do, it's Tuesday".  The barman, feeling very confused, said "No it's not, it's Thursday" and the bloke replied "Bloody hell I must look like a complete w****r!"   ;D

Sorry, that's the best I can do........................oh I've just thought of another

What goes stiff after 3 strokes?
Princess Margaret   :eek:
Private "Sir? If I said you were an idiot, what would you do?"
Officer "I would jail you for insubordination"
Private "Sir? If I thought you were an idiot, what would you do?"
Officer "Well, I couldn't do much about that at all"
Private "Sir? I think you're an idiot"
The RSM decided to leave the Army after 22 years and goes out and buys a small farm. Upon leaving the Sergeants mess he receives a present of a talking rooster to keep him company on his farm...

Early the first morning he hears the rooster marching the chickens up and down the yard outside his bedroom window....He rushes down screaming at the rooster that he doesn't want to hear about the army life he left...The rooster agrees

The next morning he hears the rooster marching the chickens up and down the yard outside his bedroom window....He rushes down screaming at the rooster that he doesn't want to hear about the army life he left and if he does he will slot the rooster...The rooster agrees once more

On the third day he hears a wild clucking and noise coming from the hen house....he grabs a shotgun and runs to the hen house.

He looks inside expecting a fox but all he sees is the rooster ripping feathers out of the wings of the chickens screaming at the top of it's voice.

An Englishman, Jock and Irishman have just passed SAS Selection training in Breacon.

The O/C approaches them and says......well done there chaps just one last thing to prove your metal and continuation of training you will have to carry out the following task.

He approaches the Englishman and whispers 'right here's an SLR with a fully charged magazine now go into the house round the corner your wife and kids are there...go and put a bullet through their heads'

The Englishman immediately refuses and is sent to the Platform.

The same question is asked to the Jock...he swigs a bottle of bells mulls it over and cries 'I just cannee do that!!!'

When he approaches paddy he immediately accepts and charges off to the house....the O/C looks on.

A few moment passes before all you can here is screaming. The O/C immediately runs into the house to find Paddy stabbing his wife and kids with a knife.


During the tense days at the height of the Battle of Britain, some desk navigator at the War Office decided that it was imperative to boost the morale of the pilots. It was decided that the best way to do this was for the pilots to meet some of the young ladies among the British Aristocracy in a social setting. To ensure that some of the young hellions among the pilots didn't get carried away, a Wing Commander would be present to protect the finer sensibilities of the debutantes from any excesses of enthusiasm.

The first such event duly came about, and among the participants  selected was Paddy, a young Irish pilot. A bit shy at first, he quickly thawed with a few belts of Irish whisky and an admiring circle of young ladies, and before long he was regaling them with the details of his latest sortie against the Luftwaffe. The Wing Commander casually strolled over and pricked up his ears just as Paddy said, "And there I was, with barely enough fuel to make it back to the airfield, when I suddenly spotted these three Fokkers diving down at me out of the sun..."

The Wing Commander swooped in at once. This was exactly the sort of thing that could be misunderstood by the pampered and protected young debutantes, and the last thing he wanted was a complaint to Air Vice-Marshal Dowding about foul-mouthed pilots. "Excuse me a moment please, Paddy." he interrupted, and turned the audience. "Let me explain, ladies that the Fokker is among the Luftwaffe's finest aircraft, and both their fighters and bombers have given us a great deal of trouble in combat. Thank you Paddy, you can carry on with your story now."

Paddy shook his head soberly. "Yes Wing Commander, sure and you can say the Fokker is a very fine fighting machine, and no one will deny it. However, these three Fokkers I'm talking about were all Messerschmidts..."
There are three RSM's sitting in a pub after an exercise debating who's troops are the bravest. They decide to meet the next day on the parade ground with there best soldier and see who's the best.

When they turn up the American RSM starts by telling them he found a  way to prove it, he tells his soldier to climb the 30 foot flag pole jump off saluting singing the national anthem. The soldier then does exactly as he is told, he brakes both his arms. there says the American that's bravery. The German RSM say's that rubbish and gets his soldier to climb the 35 foot flag pole and jump off and salute while singing  the national anthem. this he does and breaks both his arms and one of his legs. there says the German that's bravery. Rubbish says the British RSM, he then turns to his soldier and says I want you to climb that 40 foot flag pole jump off and salute while singing the national anthem.

The soldier turns back to him and say's **** off. the RSM turns back to the others and say's now that gentlemen is bravery.
Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The Marine says, "You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't know."

The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.

The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The Marine says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

Bad CO

>1) I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long
>2) (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
>3) Nice legs... What time do they open?
>4) Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
>5) You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
>6) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
>7) I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
>8) I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?
>9) I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
>10) Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
>11) I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
>12) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
>13) You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
>14) I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
>15) If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
>16) (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.
>17) You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
>18) You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
>19) Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
>20) My name is ( )...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
>21) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
>22) Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
>23) I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
>24) Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
>25) Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them
Q. Why doesn't Michael Barrymore have ashtrays?

A. Cos he puts his fägs out in the pool  ;D


Q. What does a 300lb gerbil do?

A.  Puts gäy people up its arrse!  ;D
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a
picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and
sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten
miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.
'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener.'

'I didn't bring it' says Roy.' I thought you packed it.
Mick gets worried, he turns to Andy, 'Did you bring
the bottle opener?'.

Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten
miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy
beg Roy to go back for it.

But he refuses as he says they will eat all the
sandwiches. After two hours and after they have sworn
on their tortoise lives that they
will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20
days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy
are starving, but a promise is a

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise
is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out
a sandwich each, and just as they are about to take a
bite, Roy pops up from behind a
rock and shouts.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Bad CO

Orange Willy
A man walks into the doctors....
Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."
Doc - "What??"
Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of
stress; do you suffer from stress?
Man - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I had a nightmare job, a tosser for a boss, I worked 80 hours
week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary and
I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"
Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me
down every chance she gets"
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch porn videos and eat Wotsits"
Woman,standing naked in front of bedroom mirror, says to husband;-
"I look horrible, fat and ugly.....can you pay me a compliment?"

Husband replies...
"Well, your eyesight's fcuking spot on, then...."

:twisted: :twisted:

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