Crap Courses at Work

I was on a course at work recently that was quite good. This is unusual, because lots of courses are crap in my opinion, so even the half-decent ones really stand out.

I'll admit, however, to being something of a course whore. This is because (A) I'm not at work (B) I often bump into an old mate I can natter to at the back during the Powerpoint Torture Session and (C) the tea and biscuits are usually pretty good.

The only downfalls are, to my mind, (A) Trainers (where do they go for the Training Lobotomy that turns them into politically-correct David Brent characters? It must be a very sinister place) and (B) the Health and Safety lecture at the start ("guess what wnaker, I can see the fire escape. It's got fcuking FIRE ESCAPE written on it in big red letters").

The other mystery is what I shall call "Veg's Razor" which states that:

For every sexy course opportunity offered there shall be at least a dozen crap ones that are mandatory.

So, for example, you might go on a course where you blow car doors off with a shotgun, or go on the skidpan in a very fast car or learn how to smash doors in with battering rams. These are very rare indeed. OTOH, I have actually attended, and have on my training record "The Heavy Lifting Course" which teaches you, er, how to lift heavy things. There are lots of courses like this (report writing, Human Rights training, a plethora of suicide-inducing IT system guff).

I'm sure we've all done our fair share of crap courses, the heavy lifting one being for me the nadir of meaningful training.

What were yours? You can boast about the sexy ones too, if you like.

lol well said that man.. I have been on a ladder course that was wnak, however when I was managing a wine merchants they sent me on a course to learn the finery's of your Claret and Cabernet Sauvignon etc... 5 days of being sh!tfaced getting paid for it and coming home with more samples than I could shake a stick at.
The best course I ever did was Demolition Safety Officer when I was in the TA. It consisted of blowing things up. If you're not already a sapper, that's got to be as good as it gets.

The worst one was probably Accounting for Non-public Funds. Coma-inducing.
Vasco said:
The best course I ever did was Demolition Safety Officer when I was in the TA. It consisted of blowing things up. If you're not already a sapper, that's got to be as good as it gets.
I did a day's "Booby-Trap" training with a terrifyingly psychopathic Para-Engineer Cpl during a two week FIBUA package.

"Wha' you need to remembah" he said (this is an attempt to type Geordie), "is tha' a booby-trap is just a practical jerke played on one squaddie by a anuvva squaddie!"

He proceeded to teach us some tricks, some of which I still remember, that I wouldn't dare post on the internet. Terrifying, but excellent training!

Best course was the Team Medic course in NI, just for the last couple of days with people running round 'missing' arms and squirting 'blood' round.

Most pointless course was Trend (Teleprinter) Maintenance - although even that had the upside of loads of time off to watch World Cup 2002, and an instructor who clearly had no idea what he was doing and knocked us off if we kept asking the same question, to avoid answering it.
just rememberered another mind numbing course.. Vengful computer operators course just before a tour of NI... oh my fecking got it was sh!t... Doing vehicle checks etc.... I thought ... just the ticket man! job in the ops room no patrols... how wrong was I?, I didnt even see a compooter after that day
Best course - RYA powerboat, subsidised by the Army (to the tune of about £220), thank you very much.

Worst course - You know what? I can't even remember! I think I've subconciously 'forgotten' as it was so soul destroying...
the worst course the army runs for mind numbingly boringness is sumed up in one word HAZMAT
I had to read a training manual and sign to confirm my understanding of said manual before being allowed to use the technical equipment in our office... a ficking step ladder!
balldrick said:
the worst course the army runs for mind numbingly boringness is sumed up in one word HAZMAT
Hey! I did that one in the TA. It was sold to me as a course that would help my career in civvy street, but when I pointed out to them that I didn't want to drive a big lorry full of dangerous chemicals about for a living they just looked at me blankly.

Supply Chain computer system - 'Global'...... Officers Overview Course..........

3 days of pure hell at the School of Log and we only got to turn the computers on during the morning of the final day....... 8O

I still have nightmares about it to this day.

i did my first hazmat course at waterbeach it was sold to me that it would help my civi job how i wondered as i worked at the time for a printers as a machine operator the two oldest wo2`s in nato running it were barking but they would give you the other modules the army dont pay for if asked nicely and for a small fee i didnt take them up on there kind offer as it was a sunday afternoon and i wanted to go home not sit more multiple guees tests and it was not relavant to my civi job
when that one ran out it was you are in a transport regt you need to keep your hazmat up to date but i am a rad op says i you still need to do it says the spsi of the time 5 days bored rigid at grantham i lost the will to live after the first five minutes
the second worst course i have ever done is the ta mt managment course also at grantham if you were a b1 driver it was pointless 7 days looking at jsp341 makes you drink £430 pounds worth of beer
Looks like we're all agreed for once - the hazmat/hazchem course is the most boring one produced yet - i had the misfortune to do mine at St. Athan and they managed to spin it out for 4 1/2 days (I think - was brain dead within the first session).
Best course was probably learning to jump - for fun i might add - out of a perfectly serviceable 'plane at Bad Lippspringe in '75 - good walt course as well.
Any Equal Ops course. You ask a question and they ignore it.
One of the best courses I've been on is one of the few mandatory ones that everyone in the RN has to do - the 5 day BSSC (Basic Sea Survival Course). There is some classroom stuff, but a lot of that is showing you what happens when things go very wrong at sea. A lot of it though is racing arounf in Fearnought (fire resisitant) suits in full Breathing Apparatus, fighting fires with water or foam, doing Damage Repair in a huge, 3 storey high structure mounted on hydraulic jacks to simulate sea conditons, and swimming around in lakes doing liferaft drill. With the right group of people in can be a real laugh.

Last year I did the 1 day course, which is all I'm required to do these days, and its basically only the liferaft bit but got to use the new escape shoots as well. What was potentially better was that there were a whole load of 18 year olds from Chichester College on it as well. I though it'd be a laugh, especially as most of them were girls. The lads were OK, but most of the lasses were a complete shower of shite. Didn't want to go down the shoots in case they spoiled there makeup, too afraid to jump off the 10 foot platform into the lake, didn't want to get there hair wet etc - maybe I'm too used to Forces lasses who'll just get on with it.
I was fortunate to attend a French military para course in the south of France.

Day one consisted of an hour getting familiarised with the equipment and the various differences between British and French words of command in the aircraft.

This was followed by an extended NAAFI break in the mess whereupon our French instructor produced his hospitality visa card. Copious amounts of lager with peach cordial were consumed as only British squaddies can.

Days two, three, four etc, were spent jumping from 1500ft in clear blue skies with fantastic views of the Pyrenees (and peachy lager burps circulating in the slipstream).

A truly harsh course which, if I was forced, would attend every week for the rest of my natural life.

Worst course, anything in Blandford.
Deleted to get rid of accidental double posting.
Waited ages for the page to load, and when it did I found that Stab Tiffy had beaten me to it. Equal Ops was definitely the worst course I've ever been on (well, the worst course that didn't involve being beasted).

A full day of being preached at with the express purpose of making me feel permanently guilty.
Did the "Soldier in the community" course when I was in Germany. A week in an old SS Officers mess with a bunch of Padre's talking about porn and drinking and getting silver service at meal times. They had an "honesty" shop selling bibles and stuff. Stole a few black clerical shirts and dog collars. Kept me in fancy dress costumes for years...
I did unit first Aid instructors course at topcliff in '87, sheer death by View foil. Even the instructors bored themselves, or were they just boring cnuts anyway. Closely followed by ISO 9002 Auditor, No lets no go there, Avoid at all costs, Run by a right w@nker. Apart from been on company expenses, it was and always will be turd!
Best, Method of Instruction at Beconsfield, Army school of De-thicking. Good piss up and dead easy!!!

Oh I got a shag, she was a bit of a munter, Who cares??


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