course "stereotypes"

Discussion in 'NOW That's What I Call ARRSE 1' started by shortfuse, Jan 21, 2005.

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  1. having just completed the ballbreaker that is
    "first aid in the workplace , 2 day refresher" and seeing the assortment of people on it , i feel the need to run through them , not as names , but as the same old "types" that have been on every course i've ever been on.

    1. the flapper.
    this is the person who constantly has their nose in the manual , asks 700 questions an hour , of which 699 are irrelevent , but takes notes on EVERY answer "just in case it's on the test" and is nearly in tears on the day of said test , needing constant reassurance that they wont get the sack if they (she) fails.

    2.the "two sh*ts"
    the opening question from the instructor on the course was
    "has anyone actually done any first aid since their course?"
    well 2 sh*ts nearly jumped off his chair to get in all the people he'd saved since his last course , then as we went through the course , for EVERY subject , 2 sh*ts (a london bus driver) had had someone on his bus suffering with it.
    "so this bloke gets on the bus with a railing through his head .....and on fire"


    3.the "know - all"
    deliberately asks questions he/she knows the answers to , to make themselves look clever , then elaborates on the instructors answer and nods sagely as if to say "i already knew that".
    on this particular course , the know all was a teacher , and it was f*cking hysterical watching the cnut put his hand up to ask questions.

    4.the walt.
    this one is particularly funny , as it's invariably an ex squaddie , i love to sit back and listen how for every given subject he's done something similair "over the water" and always ask if tourniquets are back in , like someone in your office is suddenly going to lose a leg , and occasionaly slips into the thousand yard stare as they show a video about some doris slipping off a step ladder , because it reminds him of his bezzer , who took a round for him.

    5. the joker.
    funny for the first 5 minutes , then his brand of "fnarr fnarr" humour reaally gets on everyones t*ts and he doesn't realise that everyone is actually laughing AT the c-unt , not with him.

    6.the f*ckwit
    how this dope actually passed the course , let alone got on the refresher is beyond everyone , including the instructors , doesn't appear to have the first grasp of breathing for themselves , let alone a casualty , and is master of the bone question.
    "so would you try and resuscitate if say....their head had been ripped off?"
    said with a completely straight face , and no hint of humour.

    can anyone elaborate on this list ? there must be more.
     
  2. X-Inf

    X-Inf War Hero Book Reviewer

    So which one were you? :wink:
     
    • Like Like x 2
  3. Spot on, Nail on the head.

    Laughed so hard.

    Sorry to say - i am "Two Sh1ts", but in a good way. always seems to be there when someone is injured. (never "saved a life" but certainly helped make comfortable until ambulance arrives)

    i will go quietly now.

    Rincewind
     
  4. 7. the perv:

    Uses every oppurtunity he gets to cop a quick feel of the ladies on the course (laying them down on the floor, CPR (nice with big tats :)!, the kiss of life etc etc)
     
    • Like Like x 1
  5. The course idiot:
    If you havent realised at the end of a course who the course idiot is, then its YOU! :D
     
  6. bollocks ..... that's me pinged then.

    the best one with "the walt" is to drop in you were in aswell just before you leave , and watch his face drop a mile as you chuckle to yourself and walk out.
     
  7. The 'I Have the DS solution' w*nker. On a course last year I had there was a guy who professed to having all the answers for the coursework. It later transpired (the longer the course went the more we realised he was talking bollox) that he had attended and FAILED the said course on 3 separate occassions posting a massive high score of 40%. Bizarley enough there were some on the course who still though he had something useful to say! He scraped a pass - I think the instructors wanted rid of him.
     
  8. The 'Aussie Sexist'

    The one that needs to ask his female colleague answers to fcuking EVERYTHING and then proceeds to use said info as if his own work to condesend her in public.

    ...more commonly known in the workplace at 'the tw@t'
     
  9. 6.the f*ckwit
    how this dope actually passed the course , let alone got on the refresher is beyond everyone , including the instructors , doesn't appear to have the first grasp of breathing for themselves , let alone a casualty , and is master of the bone question.
    "so would you try and resuscitate if say....their head had been ripped off?"
    said with a completely straight face , and no hint of humour.

    Normally passes the course (In the Mil) Because he's the same cap badge as the instructor.

    Not bitter, and didn't see this on my DMI's at Bovy a couple of years ago.

    Didn't matter in the end as 6 Months later he lost his licence for Drink Driving and luckily from what I gathered had to try and teach a course.
     
  10. busted. does this mean i can't talk about my 'nam experiences on my two weeks comms courses anymore?
     
  11. 8. The Gurkha - doesn't speak any language anything like English and doesn't understand a single word that is said on the course. He is found during lunch break trying to get the 'Resusci-Annie' to fellate him. On the plus side, he is always immaculately turned out and first there at the start of each lesson. When he demonstrates EAR, he might as well be reading pages 162-173 of the Katmandu telephone directory. Passes course with an average grade.
     
  12. J_D

    J_D LE

    The "Anya"

    the gob sh1te who has a brain yet is too lazy to use it. Will bite at anything and likes to wind people up. Has a firey temper and a dodgy london accent.
    Will make typo's and let people take p1ss out of them. Tends to have ginger/auburn hair but doesn't give s sh1te to what people think of them.
     
  13. Sorry Anya, we've already got "The Fu@kwit"
     
  14. 9. The ex-instructor-who's-having-to-redo-the-course-for-some-bureaucratic-reason.

    This feisty character is immediately spotted by the instructor, especially in cases when the instructor is a numpty. At the first sign that the ex- is going to correct the instructor for saying something totally wrong, he makes some pathetic comment to the ex-, who quickly learns to just shut up & get on with it. Passes with almost a perfect score, much to the chagrin of the instructor.
     
  15. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator

    10. The Minger

    Wears the same clothes for the duration of the course, covered in stains of indeterminate origin. Has lank hair and a fine covering of dandruff on shoulders, acne with buboe-like spots and fingernails which would support a significant potato crop. The mouth, when opened, reveals a row of rotting stumps and breath that can strip paint at 30m.

    Always the first to volunteer to be the demo casualty, or if not chosen for this role, to be the first-aider.

    Usually has an obscure job in local government, and 'lives alone since mother passed on'.

    Always gets the seat next to mine. :?